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Ridiculous coming out with my univeristy colleagues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Sognatore, May 19, 2013.

  1. Sognatore

    Regular Member

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    A few people
    Good morning, guys.

    I feel really weird. Yesterday night I was with some of my university colleagues walking in the city centre.
    I have a flatmate here in Rome and they give her the nickname of "the nymphomaniac"... I don't think I need to tell you why.
    At one point some of them asked me about her and precisely they wanted to know why I don't take advantage of this situation. Since this already happened in some other occasions I lost my patience and I finally said (without thinking about it): «I'm gay, that's why». They just said: «That makes sense», and then they began to talk about something else as I hadn't said anything.

    Now I feel weird for different reasons:
    - I think I have lost the opportunity to come out in a reasonable way... It was the first time I did it and, you know, I would have appreciated if, at least, they told me anything, but they didn't react at all (it was just like I had said: "Tomorrow is sunny", "Oh, sounds good!").
    - I'm not sure everyone heard what I said, so now I don't even know who I came out to.
    - I wasn't ready to come out yet, and now I don't want all the Physics department of the university to know it (especially because there's my sister working there and, for reasons I'm not going to explain, I don't want her to know), but I don't think I have the courage to resume the subject in some other occasions.

    For the first time in my life I felt different around them. One second after I told it I realised they all were engaged, some of them were even thinking to their future marriage (maybe just to have a laugh, but anyway...).

    Everyone says that coming out is a liberation, but I really feel worse than before. :frowning2:
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    You're experiencing what Brené Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover." It happens when you make yourself vulnerable to another person (as you did by coming out, sharing something very personal) and then, the next day, going "Oh shit! What did I do?"

    The fact that you said it outright indicates that, unconsciously, you probably *are* ready to start coming out. And the fact that you said it with such nonchalance, and they responded with such nonchalance indicates that, to them at least, it's a non-issue.

    At the college level, things are less gossipy than in high school, so it's less likely that it will spread like wildfire throughout the whole department, but it is possible that it will come up and be shared in casual conversation. And there really isn't anything you can do about it, other than just do your best to relax and let it happen.

    I agree that coming out in a situation like this *can* be terrifying, and Dr. Brown talks about vulnerability hangovers as being really, really difficult, even when one has done a ton of shame work. But they do pass, and ultimately, coming out, and letting go of this shame you're holding onto about who you are, is a really good thing and you will end up feeling much better in the long run. I think the only reason it didn't feel liberating was because you weren't really quite ready, consciously, for it to happen. But I think the long-term effect will be one of liberation.

    You might find Dr. Brown's TED talk helpful, as she speaks directly to the "vulnerability hangover" issue:

    [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]
     
  3. Lexington

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    Coming out isn't like a wedding - it doesn't have to be an "event". It's simply something to get on the other side of. You wanted your friends to know you were gay. They now know. Mission accomplished. :slight_smile:

    If you would rather not have this information spread around just yet, tell them. "I'm not sure I want everybody to know this just yet, so I'd rather you didn't tell anybody else for the time being."

    Lex
     
  4. Rice and Pepper

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    Are you sure they didn't consider it a spontaneous joke to change the subject? "Because I am gay, so stop annoying me with this stupid conversation."? I hope what I said isn't stupid, but I feel they didn't quite get the message. Maybe you'll have to have another talk with them on the issue...