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I fell out of the closet.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by runaway, May 25, 2013.

  1. runaway

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    This story is going to be quite long but very interesting. I hope you enjoy :slight_smile:

    It goes with the overused expression "I've always knew".
    But not with me, I knew I was gay when I was 14. Ever since I saw meatspin i never went back LOL!
    While I was young, I would play computer games such as maple story, and other mmorpgs where I could meet other gay guys and have long distance online relationships. I was extremely stupid back then I've learnt A LOT from those experiences.
    I've always been a believer in "the one", where there is someone out there who is perfectly engineered and designed for you. So I've always told my self to wait. So for 18 years I saved my first kiss, and everything for this one person.

    It all started on tumblr when I this guy inboxed me and we started talking. He was quite attractive but obviously as a closetted gay guy I was extremely paranoid who I told or who knew about my secret. Back then only my closest friends knew.
    So we were inboxing each other and he asked me "Do you like boys?"
    And being someone who loves to give unsolicited advice, I basically told him to stop putting him self out there and wait for the right guy.
    That didn't end too well.. we argued and had a massive argument and that was that.
    However I moved on, didn't really see it as such a big deal since it was just some stranger from the internet.
    On my birthday however, I went out to celebrate it with my friends and with the traditional candles and cake, I wish that I would find a guy who would love me forever and I could spend eternity with.
    That same night, the idea of messaging that guy who i had a fight with just popped into my head so i figured why the hell not, it's my birthday.
    So I asked him how he was and we started really getting to know each other. We then exchanged skype address and every day for 6 months we would talk non stop. Asking each other how our day was and his personality was just so beautiful. Every time I logged into my skype I would scroll to see if he was online, and if he was he would beat me to start a conversation.
    The first time we met in real life was at a concert, which was ironically bought with money that was received as a birthday present.
    So we met at a train station and it was a little quiet at first but when we sat in our carriage, I couldn't take my eyes off him for some reason. He was as beautiful in person as he was in his photos.
    We talked, and clicked. But that this point of our friendship he was seeing someone else.
    That was fine for me because I kind of friend zoned him at the time? And we just considered ourselves two gay guys who are just really close friends.
    We would continue to talk non stop, meet up to eat at restaurants, he would also invite me over to his house where he would cook for me (he is an AMAZING CHEF), and we would play husbands and wives (even though he was seeing someone). His relationship was was like a roller coaster where they have up and down moments.

    Then one morning I woke up and my heart began to ache and I knew from that moment everything was just about to get fking difficult. You know that feeling where you fall for someone where youre not suppose to? Yup. Even though I had feelings I would try to fight them off and think about things which I dislike about him but even I did this, the feelings never left. So eventually I began to distance my self from him, one because he was taken and I just wanted these feels to be gone. He knew what was happening straight away and told me to stop doing what I was doing and invited me over to his house for a sleep over.
    As usual he would cook me my favorite meals and I would pretend to be his wife by hugging him from behind (but this time I really wished it was real) while he was cooking. It really did feel like a dream come true but if only he felt the same way.
    That night we had a movie marathon as well as talk about his relationship, and by this time it pretty much ended but wasn't confirmed?
    So I was like, why dont you just text the guy and ask him if it's over or not.
    So he did just that, and I guess he got his confirmation.
    Then after he finished reading the texts, he began to tear up and eventually cry and it just made me feel so terrible.
    I just wiped away his tears and told him everything will be okay. After that was over, we went to sleep, and I asked him if he was still upset, he told me he was so then i proceeded to ask if he wanted to climb into my bed?
    He didn't answer and just slipped under my covers. This experience was just one of the experiences I will keep forever in my memory.
    We both were staring at each other and i was just wiping his cheek with my thumb and stroke his hair.
    Eventually we both passed out but I kept waking up every 30 minutes because I was in a situation where I have never been before. I was a completely virgin all over and a boy in my bed was like absolute heaven. I decided that I was not going to sleep so I grew a pair and decided to make a move, might as well as he wasn't taken any more right?
    So I would move inch by inch in 5 minute intervals, sliding my arm under his head, moving my feet in between his to the point by the end of it we were just cuddling. I then proceeded to put my face right next to his to the point I could feel his breath on my lips. I moved a little bit closer to the point where our lips were about to touch and then to my surprised he kissed me.
    It was like one of those moments where you only see in movies and that night things escalated from then on... and that was pretty much my first experience. And I can tell you hands down that waiting 18 years was definitely worth it.

    So from then on we began to date, and I was so happy and excited about my first relationship that I told my closest cousin (worst idea ever).
    I considered her one of my best friends at the time and we were extremely close. I helped her recover from anorexia and we would just tell each other everything.
    She was fine with the news and she just kept asking me questions about him and eventually telling me that I should hold on tight to him or else she'll steal him away. So i took it everything was going well. Oh i have to mention that I grew up in a STRICT christian home, and only a single mother to raise me and I do believe in god but not everything in the bible.
    7-8 months into my relationship, 1 month of school left until graduation, my other cousin called me up and was like "I need to talk to you... are you alone?"
    And I told her "yup, what's up?"
    She then told me that my very close cousin that I told spilled the beans about me because "she had a calling from god to tell someone"
    So yup, my cousin told her mum (my aunt), who told my other aunt (the daughter rang me, i love her she's so nice), and eventually she would tell my mum.
    So then I was put in a situation where i was NO WAY near ready to come out, and I already had so much stress from school, final exams coming up and this ontop of everything was just too much.
    I knew I eventually had do it anyways so I took the courage and wrote an email to my mum telling her everything.
    That afternoon when she came on, she came into my room and told me that she supported me and that she loves me no matter what, however she was not okay with the fact I was dating a guy.
    She gave me a hug and we had a full 2 hour discussion about everything.
    I honestly thought to my self, WOW. That was easy and this weight just came right off, but it was all a lie.
    Ever since that day my mum would continuously come into my room in 30 minute intervals to check who I was talking to, and things just went down hill from there. We would start to argue at least everyday about the same topic. She would send emails to me telling me to "change" and send me testimonial videos about ex-gay christians.
    And the fighting just got worse and worse, and I would ask her "You said you would support me, what youre doing now is not supporting me"
    and you know what her response was? "Im supporting you by making you straight"
    She would continue to tell me and blame me for everything that was happening and I just couldn't stay in that environment any more. I became extremely depress to the point of suicide, and I would just think to myself that if i killed myself everything would be so much easier and that I would have to deal with the shit thats gets thrown into my face. The reason I didn't end my life was for him. I knew it would of been selfish of me to leave such a burden so I decided I just need to suck it up.
    It got worse though...
    Eventually my mum would bring in a PRIEST/PASTOR from church yup. Im not even joking, to explain to me about homosexuality and I would just leave the living room and lock myself in my room.
    On top of that, I would ask her to watch a video which explains that the bible doesn't say homosexuality is wrong and 5 minutes into the video she would just close it and tell me how stupid I was.
    On top of that she would tell me that she would kill her self because she had a gay son and just the constant hate that came out of her mouth was too much. She then would continue to black mail me, telling me that if i didn't go to church, if i didn't do as she asked, she would contact my boyfriend's parents and expose both of us.
    The weird thing is, even though jesus was getting shoved down my throat that entire time, i got closer and closer to him and I was just trying to hold on what little that I had left.
    School was over and i officially graduated and the pressure was still too much so I didn't touch my phone for a month, whenever i went on facebook I would look at the amount of notifications i had and click "x". And the only person I would talk to was my boyfriend.
    I would have small moments where I would just burst out in tears because of everything was too much.
    I spoke to my cousin (the one who outed me), and asked her why she did it. She said she did it for god and I was just so done. My mum also promised me that I could travel overseas and put university on hold for a year and apply for the music industry (because its my dream).
    But you guessed it, she took it back. My boyfriend had to attend the army though because it was compulsory for him so I couldn't see him for 2 months.
    University was going to start next month and my mum and my sister went overseas for a holiday and I told them i didn't want to go.
    So you know what I did? I bought a plane ticket and flew to where he was. My mum was furious of course but I just couldn't live at home anymore.
    I lived with him for 3 months before I left to another country just to explore and be adventurous.
    Those 3 months however were so magical and we lived together, slept in the same bed and it was like "husbands and wives" except it was real.
    My mum however, is still in denial. I just eventually told her that I've been "cured' because I can't deal with her anymore. And that my boyfriend and I broke up and were just only friends now.
    Of course shes extremely happy because she thinks everything is going her way.
    Well I guess I'm back in the closet now LOL, where I'll continue to stay until the day I die.
    But one thing which I've taken out from all of this, is that the first boy that I dated will be my last.
    Oh my gosh I love him so damn much!
    So i hope you guys enjoyed that.. that was my short version of my coming out story!
    Of course a lot more happened, and I left out a lot of details because I didn't want to write a novel. So yup :sleep:
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    Wow, that was long. lol

    Though personally, I believe you owe more to yourself than to stay in the closet for the foreseeable future. While I agree that dealing with losses of family connections can be very painful, living your mother's lie will plausibly put a greater burden on your quality of life.

    Oh, And Welcome to EC! ^_^
     
  3. Rexmond

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    Wow. You've really inspired me, and I can't wait for my first kiss with a guy, it's going to be so amazing. Wonderful story how you and your partner met. It's just a shame that you have to lie to your mother about it.
     
  4. freedom200

    freedom200 Guest

    to be honest, i stopped reading after the third paragraph..... sorry :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but good for you, ur out :slight_smile: enjoy the rest of your life
     
  5. destiny99

    destiny99 Guest

    Well, first off, welcome to EC! Secondly, you deserve much better than to live your entire life in the closet. You deserve to be with people you truly love. Your story is awesome. I honestly hope everything will get better for you.
     
  6. Colton

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    Well, first of all; Hi, my name's Colton! Welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    Your story is amazing, and I hope for the best! It's sad to hear about how negatively your mom is taking it, but I personally don't think that lying to her about the situation will really help. I know it will help you for now, but in the long run, the truth is always better than having to hold on to a lie. And remember, you always have your boyfriend and us here on EC if you ever need somebody to talk to. :slight_smile:
     
  7. runaway

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    Thanks guys for the lovely comments and the welcoming :slight_smile:
    Yes sorry it was really long.. LOL
    Yeh I guess its a shame i'm back in the closet but to be honest I don't mind. I'm extremely optimistic and I came out of this still with all my limbs and im just so greatful for everything I have and the friends that were there supporting me, and now i'll have ec!
    So yeh :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 03:39 PM ----------

    omg LOL!! Sorry about the length but I'm not out anymore, you had to continue it to understand why but it's okay!!
     
  8. UndercoverGypsy

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    Well, shit. That's one hell of a story! I have to say though, do you really think that your mother deserves to have you in her life if she's like that? Everyone has their own solution, but I would be pissed as hell at her.

    Congrats on finding a guy, and welcome to EC! Oh, and lol at the Meatspin joke.
     
  9. runaway

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    LOL thanks!
    That's true, my boyfriend has the exact feeling, where why should you still be nice to her if she treats you like absolute shit.
    But i'm quite traditional and i'm very soft when it comes to people?
    Even though someone has done absolute shit to me and has put me in a situation where it was just terrible, i would forgive them straight away.
    And as for my mum, i just feel that she raised me and that i should be greatful that i even have a mum and I should still treat her the best that I could. Because she still is my mum, you know? I don't know :/ :bang:
     
  10. UndercoverGypsy

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    Fair enough. If it works for you, then congrats!
     
  11. rg93

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    Hahaha, that was the worst reply ever :lol: That awkward moment when he in fact isn't out. :grin:

    Runaway, that was an awesome story. I love it. :slight_smile: It's really sad and unfortunate about her, but don't let your mother bring you down and don't bring yourself down for having to lie to her... People say that honesty is the best way to go about things, but in our world where we are outlaws in love, there's no such thing as black and white when it comes to close-minded people who believe what they want to and nothing else. And you're making her happy, too. I suppose. Keep that in mind!

    Your cousin was right about one thing, though. Hold on tight to him, because he sounds like a real keeper. :thumbsup:
     
  12. Bobbybobby99

    Bobbybobby99 Guest

    This is why I hate Christianity. Not Christians, but christianity.

    Bobbyism isn't disgrimatory :frowning2: