Where do I start?

I started to notice guys when I was 13, 1976....jr high. Not exactly a time when you had the option of just going with it. Where I grew up, if anyone even though you were gay, many beatings would follow, by groups of people. So I kept my mouth shut and head down. Now days people would figure it out, someone who never dated in high school, might be gay. At 19 I got a girl pregnant, and married her. I felt trapped, and not able to go live the life I wanted to live. Now I know people say don't marry for the kid, but we did, and it did turn out ok, 14 years after the "I Do's" the divorce was started. I waited til my son could say "I wanna live with dad" then set things in motion.

Single father, huge mortgage, no help from the ex, still no time to be who I was. I buried it deeper, and it got easier to hide it away. I felt like I wasted so much time.
The "I can't come out now, I have my son to raise" and "I will not put him through what people would say to him in our small town" more hiding it, more unhappyness.

College comes, and one day my son, then 20, comes to me and says he wants to move out, and move onto campus with his friends.......I was becoming an empty nest'er at 39.

It was time for me to live my life. I sold my house, quit my job, took a year and 1/2 off and set off across the country to (don't laugh) find myself. 40 comes along and everything changed in my life, I excepted who I was, and what I wanted, came to grips with the fact I was gay. I felt much better, but still didn't tell anyone.

I settled in a small town in Montana, and started making gay friends, yes Montana has gay men, just very spread out. Still this fear of losing friends pestered me, so I kept this all inside me. I feared, foolishly mind you, that my son would.might reject me, even tho I knew deep down this would not happen, it still was there, and that's a huge fear.

I lied to me friends/family, always covering it up. 2 weeks ago when I was headed out for a date, I got a phone call from a dear friend, we talked and she asked where I was headed, and I lied, told her work related stuff. I felt like crap, 49 years old and still in this rut. Soon as I hung up, I cried, I was done with covering it up, done with lying to people about it, acting like I was interested in girls, to cover.

My date really inspired me, such a great guy, he has changed my life, I saw that it was ok to be who you are, and if people can't deal with that, it's their issue not mine. I think about this all week. Friday the 17th rolls around, and I tell one of my friends I am gay, hands shaking as I typed it out, that pause before pushing send, then that waiting for the reply......seemed like forever. But......yes he was very surprised, and totally supportive of me, and was proud I could tell him. So I told another very dear friend, she is like a daughter to me, this was a very important one to tell. I txted her to call me, she does and I spill the beans, she too is very surprised, as even else was in the end. But she too totally supports me, in my corner 100%. I then tell my oldest friend, growing up he was like a father to me, he takes it well, then I start to feel this love and support from my friends, and it gets addicting, and I start telling more.

I know telling my friends, sooner or later my son will find out, I can't have him hear it 2nd hand, that would just be wrong. So I call him, feeling like I am about to vomit as his phone rings, we have some small talk, and I just tell myself to tell him, so I did, he listens and says "Dad, thanks for telling me, I love you and all that you are, your my father and best friend, I will love you always" Tears running down my face, and feeling free, seems odd for the parent to be telling the child he is gay.

I knew then I was free, free to finally be who I am, and not have to hide it. One week and a day so far, and I have never felt better in my life.

All the fears I had about being rejected didn't happen, this fear held me back for so many years. Fear is a horrible thing.

I haven't told people at work, it's work and they don't need to know my private life anyway, but if they ever ask, I will not lie about it, those days are over.

The fear of being caught, and having to explain things is gone, such a weight off the shoulders.

Trust in your real friends to support you, this was my time to come out, I hope anyone struggling with this like I did, can find the courage to take the steps I have, it is wonderful.

Also I want to add, when that NBA player came out, and everyone cheered him, here is what I heard the loudest, was the people saying "big deal" "why is this news" and "so what". That really clicked a button in my head, people don't care if your gay anymore, is what I heard. That really helped me make this choice, now.

Thats my story.

Lakota