Hey guys! I very recently came out to two of my best friends and my mum. My one friend was very cool with it, she already had another gay friend so it wasn't new territory for her. She's been very supportive and also suggested introducing me to her friend so i can get to know more people in person, but i feel really weird about it( like a parent taking his kid to the kidengarden and saying " hey everybody,this is john. You'll all be friends now,ok?"), am i crazy? probably... My other friend has been a little weird. She doesn't have a problem with it it's just that she's droped some comments here and there that are easy to salvage but still... She's also been very shaken and thinking about it, leading to her and her boyfriend not talking since i told her. She was a bit cross with him because she needed time to think,he took it badly and they were practicaly not talking for a week.(yay that's good for my consense!). So i'm scared it's too much or her to handle on her own,but i also don't wanna tell anyone else right now either...:///// My mum.... The most annoying thing was that she thought i was kidding and that i also had to make sure...! I told her i was pretty sure and she suggested i get into a relationship with a girl first,again, to make sure! And i told her that as she didn't have to be in a relationship with a woman to make sure she's not a lesbian, i too don't need something like that... Another thing she told me was to not tell anyone else. Not my dad not anyone because they wouldn't be ready to deal with something like that... She said she would try to prepare my dad so that he will be ready...some time. Also she told me that my friends wouldn't be able to cope with it. That they are very young and immature to be able to deal with it as they should. That they would talk behind my back or even stop talking to me etc etc... What confused me was that she was talking from experience. She's had more that 3 close friends in her life who have had to take all that,the isolation, the beating(literal) , the looks... I was also very shocked when she told me that her best friend's sister was gay and that her friend not only didn't want to admit it(her sister has been living with her "friend" for over 10 years now) she even told her daughter(the first friend i mentioned) that either of them wanted to get married and decided to live together.... She seamed pretty sure that i shound't tell anybody but i still wouldn't want to lie to everyone,t just be myself. You know?? What should i do? Thanks for reading this far btw)) (p.s. i don't live in my hometown anymore and don't plan on coming back because of my carreer )
Your mom's reaction isn't entirely surprising, especially if she's had friends to whom those things happened to. She's just really worried based on her own experience. One thing she needs to remember though, is that support for LGBT is at it's highest it's ever been worldwide, and the US is no exception (assuming you live in the US). She is right however, that there is still a lot of homophobia and violence (which has increased has a response to increased support for LGBT). You don't have to listen to her in regards to not telling your friends. If you think that your friends are accepting enough that they'll still like you even if you're gay, I'd say go for it if that's what you want to do. I don't know about your father, perhaps it'd be best to let your mother prepare your father, although I disagree with the notion that one has to be "ready to deal with something like that", but I don't know how your father feels about homosexuality, so you could always check with your mother if you're worried. Either way, congratulation on coming out!
Do you think your mother is recommending that you don't tell your father out of concern for herself, or for you? Sometimes parents say 'they couldn't deal with it', when what they really mean is 'I couldn't deal with them knowing, because I'm still uncomfortable with it myself'. I can't say which it is without being there, but it does seem as though your mother has some discomfort around it, given that she suggested you try dating a girl first. Either way, you can tell people when you are ready. Definitely hear out what your mom has to say and take it into consideration, but in the end when you tell your dad or friends is entirely up to you. Do it when it feels right for you.
My dad is a bit neutral about the whole thing. He was raised in a conservative environment and lives in a small and conservative town but he is intelligent enough to know that "gay is ok",if i may. In theory he is fine with it... Although, he might feel awkward because of all the things i mentioned and he might react weird... But since i won't be living with them from now on i could wait until i get in a better point in my life or until a get into a relationship or sth...I dunno I really don't know...I feel like he should know but it won't make much difference... But,if i see that him not knowing is being a problem for me i will tell him....:/ And thnx btw)) even if i'm not entirely out yet it's good to know some people know.... and from now on i'll be able to tell new people i meet and also meet other gay people! It's a great start anyway! ---------- Post added 2nd Jun 2013 at 07:02 PM ---------- my mum just REEEEEALLY doesn't want me to be gay because of all her personal experience with people she knew... But i still don't get why my dad "is not ready to know yet".... it just sounds stupid to me but i she's uncomfortable with him knowing or if she imagines he'll be devastated or sth, i could wait i guess... Concerning my frineds, i don't know what to do............ I wouldn't want to lie to them or not be able to be myself around them but it's a big risk if that means they'll be talking about me all over town if i tell them.... But still, they could be very mature about it,only talk about it amongst themselves them and not publish the news on the newspaper! I can be fairly sure they'll react well but in the long-term they could do some damage...:/ I wouldn't want my mum to be right and have to wait
hey... i'm starting to feel that the reason my mum insists that i get with a girl is not because of her bi friends but because she can't accept it... i'm starting to get second thoughts about telling her.... i really though she would be supportive but she just makes me feel bad by pressuring me to date a girl.... i just wanna leave again and go back to my university....!
if you tell your friends, this will get out. word about this kind of stuff spreads. but that's a GOOD thing. the reason you want to come out is so that you can stop worrying about who knows and who doesn't know. it's such a release. unless you're financial situation in university is dependent on you staying in the closet to certain people, I say let it out, let word spread. tell your dad, he'll probably get over it. your mom will too. it sounds like your mom is in denial, she is hoping that she can force you to keep this a secret for just a little while longer so she can maintain her illusions. it's selfish of her. come out, you'll feel better!
yeah that's what i was starting to think about my mum too. she's really persistant that i get with a girl. she thinks that i'll like it and change my mind. That to me is so very hurtful... And she doesn't even realize it. she keeps on saying it like she's right. But all i hear is "i can't accept you", "you should change" .And that just kills me. I knew about all her friends and i thought she would be accepting but it's the opposite. I knew she was a bit prejudice and narrow-minded sometimes but i couldn't imagine she would have so much trouble accepting it. she would always say "i'll always love you no matter what" etc etc etc... My dad on the other side was always more distant.... But i do want to come out to my friends this summer... My mum didn't change that, she just made me understand that she doesn't want me to....
depending on where you live, you could encourage your mom to attend a pflag meeting, ti meet other parents of gay people, who can help her through this. if that's not an option in your area, there are a lot of good books you could buy for her. doing something like that will show your mother that you are serious about helping her accept this, and not about getting back into to the closet. I do want to say though that you shouldn't be too hard on your mom. This is hard for her. Give her time
If you can get your mum to look at this web site For Parents Of A Gay Child | How To Come Out | Gay Sons | Lesbian Daughters it may help. It might also help you to better see things from a parents perspective.
It's not that i can't understand how difficult it must be for her(having a gay child in this close family and community must be very inconvenient) it's just that i was expecting her to be way cooler than she is, i was expecting some support(because of all her experiences and all). I was just very shocked when i saw her reaction. You hear other people telling their parents who are completely ignorant on the matter and don't know anyone gay and they just accept their kids with open arms. It's not even that she's against homosexuality or something,i could deal with that i could explain things to her and make her understand(probably,maybe). My problem is that she wants to sweep the whole thing under a rug. Could she not be as cool with homosexuality as i thought she was or that SHE left herself to think? Maybe.... "If you get with a girl you might like it and change your mind and not be gay, and God forbid if you tell anyone" (not exact quote) It's not that i even told her i was bi and i wasn't unsure about it either. I'm thinking of not mentioning the matter for some time and if she brings up her idea about me getting a girlfriend i think i should take it more seriously and sit her down and explain i'm not gonna change in the foreseeable future... I think the only way that i can take her feelings about this into consideration is if i make it apparent to her that it's not something that can change or an idea that got in my head... Thanks for all your comments))
