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Coming out to myself...and parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Hagelslag, Jun 10, 2013.

  1. Hagelslag

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2013
    Messages:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have been lurking around this forum for a while now, just reading up. But I guess it's time to post my own coming out story, I'm sorry for the length...it just feels good to get out of my system. English is not my native language so I'm sure there will be a few spelling errors or random Dutch words.

    For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to women. Of course, when I was younger I didn't think of it as attraction. But until age 13 all the people I became a fan of were women. It's important to note that our main "household view" was quite liberal. I remember at 8 years old a tv presenter coming out, and me asking my dad what "gay" meant. He told me the facts: sometimes men fall in love with men, and women fall in love with women. This doesn't sound like the build-up to a long story, I know. My mother held different views. She wasn't really against gays, but she thought it was gross. When my dad explained "gay" to me, I was convinced I was a lesbian because I liked this female tv person. I asked him, when he gave me a bath like he did every night. He told me I was just a fan of hers, and since at that age I was convinced my dad knew everything (he really is a smart man and on hard facts I will still trust him blindly), I was reassured.

    But the idea lingered. In school, up until age 12, I felt like an odd kid, because my interests were different from most of them. However, I always had a few good friends and could make conversation with everybody. I was never bullied, in part maybe because kids were scared of my mother, who is a quite dominant woman. When I went to high school the feeling remained, but I had more real friends spread out over different social groups so I got along with almost everyone. I was still a little odd: nerdy, tv obsessed, not interested in clothes or make-up or girly things in the least. My mom dressed me and I was fine with that. Having two older brothers she liked to dress me up. When I was little she wanted me to wear dresses and skirts (that she made herself, I didn't get here fine motor skills unfortunately), but I didn't like the way the felt. I was a bit boyish. Not a tomboy per se, but I just didn't know what to do with girly things. She made me wear these shiny shoes to school one day and I played in the sand wearing them. That wasn't even conscious rebellion either, I just didn't understand it would ruin the shoes :grin:. In my teens she dressed me in jeans and T-shirts and sweaters. Not very girly looking.

    Around me, friends started to notice boys. I played field hockey, which is kind of an upperclass sport here. I felt out of place here as well. The kids didn't go to my school and they looked down upon my school. My dad is a doctor but we weren't really upperclass and I went to a school located in a part of the city with lower social economic status. The girls at hockey were boy crazy. This is the first place I noticed I really noticed I was different in this regard. I didn't find the boys from the boy teams interesting at all, but I thought it had something to do with me not knowing them at all because I went to a different school. In high school I was a bit more shielded I guess. My friends were quite late discovering boys. But I did feel I was different. Now I guess this is as good a place in the story as any to explain my mother is a very dominant woman with black and white views (not unchangable though, but a hurdle for a kid). She was also quite moody and this caused a lot of tension at home. My way of dealing with this was just staying my room and not avoid conflict as much as possible. I always did my homework (something my brothers had a lot of conflicts over), didn't make an issue of going out and adhered by the rules. My room was a safe place where I watched tv and collected pictures of my fandoms. We had an internet connection pretty early on so that helped as well. My clostest friends came over regularly, the other ones I only ever saw at school and some of the parties later on when I was a bit older. I didn't drink until I was allowed to either. Uhuh. Quite a boring girl. My mother has never explicitly said she would not accept me if I were gay, she had never made threats about what she would do if I was gay. But I knew it would be cause for conflict, so I avoided it. I say this but I should add that by age 16 I had not realised I was different from my peers regarding sexual attraction. What I remember though is from about age 10 on, a fear of being thought of as a lesbian. This was really a fear of mine, although nobody EVER called me a lesbian. Ever. And honestly, looking at pictures, people could have :').

    I was a late bloomer and I didn't have crushes on real live people until I was about 17. Relationships didn't interest me at all. However, at 14 I kinda liked Tom Cruise. And at 15 I could sort of see myself with a boy romantically. What I remember most of this is the sense of relief; there was nothing wrong with me. At 17 I had a crush on a boy in my class. The crush lasted a few years even until my college years. But: my fandoms were actually girlcrushes. I won't mention all of the, it's quite the list haha! Most defining was the X-files. I really liked David Duchovny. I was even quite active in the fandom back then. All my classmates knew of my obsession. But my dayplanner wasn't just filled with his pictures (and other male actors), but also with pictures of Gillian Anderson and some other female actresses I literally snuck in. Yeah...snuck in.... My dayplanner became a little 'famous' in my class. I used to plaster it with pictures every year and in the first week of school after the summer all my friends would write in it. While doing it I made sure there weren't too many women in there. And if they were, they were in cast photos. Mind you, at this age I still hadn't figured anything out. I had a crush on a boy, so all was well.
    My mother did make the occasional comment about why I was always so busy with these actresses, in a disapproving tone of voice (this is badly translated from Dutch, I can't find a proper way to say it in English and I want to continue typing).

    The realisation finally came during my college years. I lived on my own, had a nice set of friends around me. I had had crushes on guys, but always held my distance. And why did I always doubt my sexuality so much in between crushes? So not every woman looks at women the way I do? And why was I always so intrigued by gay women whenever we met them...? Riding on my bike, 22 years old, I know exactly where in this city I realised: wait, what? I like both, I'm not gay I'm bisexual! And right after that: okay good, nobody needs to know.

    Fast forward 3 years: a bar with my male friend who I was in love with, but who had a girlfriend at the time. I don't remember the context, but I told him I could easily fall in love with a woman and that I was bisexual. No biggie. A few years ago one of my college friends came out as bi. We were the only singles in our little college group so we hung out a lot. My mother had lots of comments about that. I don't remember exact comments, but I vividly remember walking around in a store and her implicating hanging out with gay people would make you gay. She asked my brother if I was a lesbian, which resulted in a huge discussion. My brother said he didn't know, but what did it matter? Would she reject me? It got very heated. My brother didn't tell me about it until a few months later when both of us got into a huge fight with here over something else. In the aftermath I referenced the discussion. She was hurt my brother would tell me something that happened between them. I hinted to also being able to fall in love with woman, but prefering men (which I knew wasn't true).
    But I still didn't have the need to tell the world. Until I read an interview with Gillian Anderson last year, about how she had been with a woman. And I was angry. Not really directed at her. I texted a friend, who told me "Sweetie, didn't we already know this about her [the answer is yes, this was the second article about it], do you want to talk?". And that moment was the moment I decided I wasn't going to hide this anymore. I told my friends and one brother in phases. No bad reactions from anybody. I don't remember half of those conversations. I messaged a girl I met that was interested in me a year before that, but I had pretented to be straight. I told I lied, that I knew I was lying but that I wasn't ready back then, and I just wanted here to know the truth because I remember lying so blatantly to her. She was lovely about it.

    My parents were the last hurdle. I had not figured out how to tell them. I did have some conversations with friends about it, who did have good advice. Last december my partents commented that it had been a while since I had been home. I hadn't realised that, but it had been while indeed. I thought nothing of it, until I hung up the phone. I realised why. My thoughts had been occupied by something I didn't feel I could share. I figured this was good a time as any to do it....so I called home again. I explained my mother that I hadn't realised it, but I thought this was the reason I hadn't been home in a few months. That I had realised I was bisexual and had been coming out to people and accepting (more getting used to) it myself. She reacted better than expected. She claimed the reason my latest relationship with a guy didn't work out were because of this. I told here it had absolutely nothing to do with it. She said relationships between women were easier (as if some easy way out) and I had to tell her twice I wasn't a lesbian. My dad didn't care. He joked I had more chances to get into a relationship now.

    Two days later, early in the morning, my dad calls me from his cell phone (my parents only use their cell phones on holiday). He told me my mom had been crying for two days straight. That he couldn't get her to do anything, and that I should probably talk to her. She felt we had a really bad relationship and was very hurt she was the last one to hear about it. He also gave me the best advice he has ever given me: tell her you are a different person than she is!!! Emphasize that!
    I went to work, cancelled everything in my planner for the day, talked to one of my coworkers about the situation and went home. As you can probably tell by now there is a little more to the relationship between me and my mom. I have left as much of it out of this text as possible because I want to focus on me and not her.

    I called my mom. She was very sad. She was hurt I told her over the phone, that everybody already knew. In the rest of the conversation she told me all the other things she didn't like about me: I'm not ambitious enough, I never tell her anything, she is always the one who has to adapt in our relationship. I picked the ones I got hurt by the most. I couldn't debunk every single one, it was just too much. I tried to emphasize how I never adhered to the expectations she had of me as a girl, but that those expectations are her problem and not mine. That we talk about a lot of things but no, I do not tell her everything. I told her she is not an easy woman to talk to about certain issues, because she has a very strict way of thinking about how things should be done. And that I do things my way, and that way often differs from hers. I explained to her why over the phone: I hadn't thought about how to come out to them, this was an oppertunity, and also: my choice how to do this. The entire converstation was about her. Not about me. I think my message once again confirmed I'm not the daughter she expected/wanted (this had been an issue before, she had even said I wasn't a real daughter in the past), and that causes grief. She couldn't disqualify my being bisexual, so she did in every other way she could. It was very, very painfull. I feel the need to explain I really don't do anything weird about neglecting her as a mother. I just don't do what she thinks a daughter should do.

    For 4 months she didn't talk about the subject again. I made sure I came home regularly and made sure not to tap into her fears to much (she has had a very difficult childhood, I'm a psychologist and so is one of my brothers, it's pretty clear where this all comes from). After about 3,5 months she was visiting me and she commented something cute on my video game (Skyrim, weren't there any nice women to marry for my character, who married a smith). A few weeks ago we were talking when I would come home again and the subject of a gay party came up. I told her I wanted to go because it has been 2 years I'd been to one. She then asked if I had accepted myself yet. And a conversation sparked. She has a lot of strange ideas about bisexuality and remains convinced this is why my last relationship failed. I explained to her it had nothing to do with it, and that I had no reason to lie about his. I don't think it will ever be an easy subject for her. I'm not sure what will happen if I actually have a girlfriend...We'll see.

    I realise my sexuality might be a bit unclear now to whoever is reading this. I have no idea if I have a preference for men or women. I don't really care either. I've never properly fallen in love with a woman, because of so much suppression (I don't fall in love easily anyway), but I'm pretty sure that can happen now :slight_smile:.

    Sorry for the extremely long text....
     
  2. GayTeen

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Nice job on accepting who you are! I have yet to come out to family or friends but I 'came out' online. You can see that here! :eusa_clap