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what a week

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by yahooooo, Apr 25, 2008.

  1. yahooooo

    yahooooo Guest

    well.... incase you haven't read the other thread i made in this section... i finally came out to my really close friend on sunday and have been having some difficulties with talking to her about it...

    basically she doesn't mind me being gay as long as we never talk about it and pretend eveything is the same as before i told her:tears: :eusa_liar .. i suppose at least she still wants to be friends but i dont think she realises that we cant stay in this denial stage for ever!! as far as shes concerned she wants me to feel better because i told her.. but im not allowed to mention it to her because it makes her feel uncomfortable :icon_sad:

    so i was feeling really confused and sort of upset about this and this girl in my form happened to see me at a really bad emotional time and i sort of told her what was up, but without mentioning i was gay.. just the whole friend wont talk to me, shes acting fake around me and being in denial about a problem but that wont make it go away ect.. ect...

    anyway today she came to talk to me again and we were chatting then she said she thinks she knows what the problem was .. so maybe stupidly i asked her what she thought it was and she goes... phoebe... are you gay?? and i admitted i was :eusa_doh: .

    i dont mind this at all because i kind of want to start coming out to more people... the only this is she was so unsubtle and said this really loudly in the school locker room with loads of people around (all the plastics as well!!! :eusa_doh: )and now im freaking out that someone has heard and its going to get out...

    the other annoying thing is that im not really friends with this girl i told, she just caught me at a bad time and i didnt feel like denying it... but i have this horrid feeling thats she is going to try and be really friendly with me now and will "be there to talk to" .. but i REALLY dont want to talk about it with her!!!

    oh well... i suppose thats one more person that knows(!) but still the one person i really wish would accept me still refuses to talk about it... sorry its so long long im just really nervous people are goin to find out without me telling them and i could do with some reasurance :icon_redf plus i wish my mate would try and understand...
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    I'm sorry to hear that things have gone the way they have...

    Remember that you're friend needs some time to get used to this. I'm sure they won't EVER want to talk about it... they just don't feel comfortable now. It will get better. As for the other person that you told, they seemed to take it fairly well - i.e. they didn't freak out about it - so I'd consider that a success as well.

    I'm not sure what I would do if someone came right out and asked me if I was gay. I guess I'd say yes. But I'd carry on to say that I'd prefer to be able to share that with people myself, rather than having them pass it on...

    Good luck.
     
  3. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    Hey, I'm really sorry that things have been going the way they have (*hug*). I think that with your friend - the one you came out to - it's a combination of immaturity, and never having been in that situation before. I think that she clearly needs to have some time to figure out that there is absolutely no reason for her to be uncomfortable, and that a good friend would let their friend discuss their sexuality.

    I was initially very annoyed and angry on your behalf at your friend, but on a little reflection have mellowed a bit due to her age, and her clear inexperience in interacting with LGBT friends. All of us on here have to reach maturity a little earlier than many others, I think, and an unfortunate side effect of this is that we cannot expect our peers to relate to us in precisely the ways that we would like. Excuses for her aside, however, this is really not the best reaction - although not the worst - and I'm really sorry that she's just basically failing (and refusing) to deal with the situation.

    I hope with time that she will come round - I think that for the time it might be wise to leave it a little. My concern is that if you push the issue with her, this will annoy her, and then she will associate you only with your sexuality - ie that whenever she sees you, it's all you talk about. This kind of goes against my previous advice (sorry!), but whereas before I thought it might just be that she wasn't sure how to broach the subject, or was even unsure as to whether you wanted to, I think that she is now showing clear signs of just refusing to deal, and so you have to change tack. Others might advise very differently, but I would make sure your dissatisfaction with her disinclination to talk about it with you, and then I would lay off for a while.

    As for the intended coming out. First of all lots of huge (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) as this is a difficult and perhaps uncomfortable situation, as you don't know how it will pan out. You're correct in that you now don't have any control over the information. Overall, this may turn in your favour, as you may find others willing to talk to you, or even, when this friend of yours realises that nobody else has a problem (and I hope they don't), she will get over herself and be willing to talk to you about it.

    But I would not regret replying "yes" when asked outright if you are gay. Rather, in spite of the consequences which you are worried about, I would congratulate you (!) (!) as I think that it is a sign that a very large part of you just wants done with the closet already, whatever people think, and that when asked directly, you will not try and lock yourself in by denying it. So congrats (!), although I am sorry that you now feel concerned about your lack of control of the situation.

    But on this point there is little I can advise, I don't think, until it becomes clear how far, if at all, this knowledge spreads. Hopefully not far and fast, although it would mean that you were out! So maybe I should say - if the information does leak, that it does in a sensitive and supportive, rather than malicious and gossipy way.

    But I'm sorry that your friend is so unsupportive - whilst she's not being overtly negative and insulting you or anything, I don't know if she realises that her reaction is itself a judgement. But I hope that she comes round, or that if she doesn't, someone else (who you like, and would like to talk to), is happy to talk about things with you.

    Sorry that this is a very long post, and not containing much advice, but I hope it helps even a little :icon_bigg