So, i have came here every now and again, reading stuff, and, as advice from a friend, i have decided to post my mess of a coming out story. Now, currently, i am 14, and i am just about to start year 10 So, it all started mid year 7 maybe? i cant remember Like any other teenager, i looked at porn. At first it was of female, but they, i don't know/remember why, but i started to look at naked men. I didn't really think much of it, i just kinda ignored it. Then, up until year 9, people kept asking me if i was gay. I don't know if it was obvious or just a rumor, but, it was really annoying, cos, i suppose i assumed i was straight.... like, i wasn't sure that i was gay, i hadn't really thought of it. There where time when i might say to myself, "Hey, you look at gay porn, so, you are gay" but, i don't think i actually meant it. One time i remember quite well, was, in year... 8. It was just me and two of my friends (male, i didn't have female friends then). And, one of them said something like "Which one of those girls (*points to girls*) do you think is the best looking/hottest/ etc..." and, well, i found my self a bit awkward then. i just randomly choose one, and moved on. Like, i suppose i didn'tthink that they where 'hot'. Like, i could tell if they were good looking... but... yeah. I suppose, i didn'tpay much attention to the girls as the other guys did So this kinda went on for maybe a year. Every now and again i would question my self, tell me self that i was gay. Then, at the beginning of year 9, i started to picture/imagine some of the guys with no tops on.... I started to get more sure of my self being gay. Also, there was this guy ( at the current time) that was in year 5, and was like 4/3 years younger that me that caught my bus. I was quite attracted to him, and, being his age, he was ummmm.... fun? Like, i could tickle him and 'play' friendly with him (within the confines of a bus seat). I found him quite attractive, and, i suppose it might have had lust for him. To make things more complicated/weirder, he was also one of my brothers friends. Coming Out So, it was about half way through term 1 (1 8th through the whole year (!) ) when i suppose that i kinda came out to my self as being gay. I kinda thought it through on the bus trip to school (bout 30mins) and i decided to tell people. I told two of my friends during electronics, by passing a note. I told 2 others next period in History. (When i came out to them, i told them not to tell ANYONE) Then was recess. It was kinda awkward, cos for of my 'friends' knew, and the others didn't. Next was Animation. I told Jacob, one of my closest/best friend then and, well, he didn'ttake it to well After that, last period of the day (maths), Jacob told a few people OR someone over heard him talking about it to another friend of mine who i came out to. Someone came up to me at bus lines and asked me if i was gay. I was shocked, and i said no. One thing lead to another, and the pretty much everyone knew. With-in a week, people that i had never met (mostly in my year or lower) came up to me and asked me if i was gay. At first, i spose i kinda liked it, i was getting heaps of attention. I always said yes. After a bit it really started to annoy me. I kinda ignored them or said yes, just in like a annoyed kinda way. Then, there were these guys in my year, that, well, i suppose they might have acted homophobic. They would say nasty things, make rude gestures, and just do stupid/dumb things to offend me, like, covering their ass with there bags etc etc (as if i'd EVER consider likening them, let alone doing them) The whole random-people-asking-me-if-i-was-gay kinda settled down after a couple of months, but, the homophobic actions still carried on, much to my dislike. Someone asked me if i had a boyfriend, and i said no, then, for some reason one day i just said yes. When people asked who, i didn't tell them. Then, i told them that his name started with 'V', and he was in year 6. I was actually referring to my friend from the bus, who was in year 5. Everyone found out who it was. Two of my 'friends' raided my phone and found out who it was, but i kept denying it. Anyway, i made up a fake BF, then we kinda broke up. yep. My friend from the bus stopped talking to me. I am now over him, and i have been for a while Maybe here-ish my Mum found out about me being gay. I didn't tell her, but she found out from one of her co-workers, who's son goes to my school Half way through the year, i started talking to Morgan. She was, and still is really nice. Everyone said that i had turned straight cos i was talking to a girl (hello, i am gay) but yeah. We eventually came really close friend. We would hug, she would sit on my lap. We kissed each other on the cheek. We said we loved each other on a regular basis. But, i wasn't in love with her or anything like that, we were just close friends. Time passed, event happened. At the beginning of term 4 (just 3 months ago), i sat with Morgans friends before school and at recess and lunch. Nearly of all of them at that group where in year 10, and female. So, over time, Morgans friends became my friends and vice versa. Morgan and i kinda would go a bit cold, then we would be really close again etc etc. I really like my new friends. They where way more accepted and supportive of me being gay. With my old friends, i couldn't really me gay, they wouldn't let me i suppose. They wernt really accepted of it all. But my new friends totally are. I could say if someone is hot or not, and, with girls around me, they could agree/disagree with me. I have the biggest crush on someone, who i think is totally hot (but hes straight :icon_cry: (straight till proven gay?)). He is the first guy that i like... i just feel good when i see/think of him. He is the first guy i have had real lust for. So, i suppose, now, i am 99% sure i'm gay. Like, before, i kinda rushed my self into it, and i didn't think about it at all. But now that ive got my new friends, my real friends, i am able to be gay, if you understand me... anyway, thats my story
So, i wanted to make some edits, but i cant anymore... When my Mum found out i was gay from one of her co-workers, she kinda half denied it. She said "You arnt gay. You might think you are gay, but your not. So then if an issue came up which i talked to my Mum about (i rarely talked to her). She would always correct me if i said i was gay with "You think you are gay" ect. About half way through term 4 last year (year 9), whist i was waiting for my bus, this kid came up behind me and got me on the back of the neck with a 'paper wasp' (just a big of paper folder over and flung using a rubber band). This hurt soooo much, both physically and emotionally. I felt like crying, but i held it in. When the bus came, i went and sat on my seat (it was a much better bus then last time) and i just broke down in tears. There was no one next to me, but i had a friend in front and behind my seat. They saw that i was crying and asked me whats wrong. I didn't tell them what happened, but i just said i was sick of people discriminating against me because im gay. Later, i talked to the principal of the school and he was charged my the police. Conclusion I wish i didn't come out when i did. I made a complete mess of it, and i didn't really think it through. But i think it might have been being 'gay' for most of the year that kinda made me gay at the end of the year, when i sat with my new friends. Being with these friends has been the best thing that has happened to me all year, if not ever. So, if they are reading this, Thanks alot guys!(!) If i could, i suppose i would take back me coming out and tell all my friends now, and only them, so the whole school dosnt find out. But, if i diddnt come out then, maybe i wouldtve met these friends. Who knows.
