My Research Paper

wow i'm impressed!!
this is really good!! i really like it. is it like a school assignment or something??
i found few grammatical errors so make sure u double check, but otherwise, it looks great! good job!

 

graduate?? wait, aren't u in highschool?? wait where do you live?? i'm confused.
cuz ur age says 16, and i'm 16 too, and i'm junior in HS...

 

oh, ok. i was just confused when u said u needed to graduate...i thought u lived in a diff country or something where kids graduate highschool when they're 16...lol sorry i can be really stupid sometimes, silly me XD

 

What message are you trying to convey? My main beef with this paper is that I'm not sure of it's purpose, are you trying to convince someone that homosexuals should have equal rights, are you trying to inform them about issues related to equal rights of homosexuals, or are you trying to get the reader to do something about equal rights? And there are some grammatical things that need addressed. Sorry if I sound cold, and just an ass, but I really am trying to help. If you want more help let me know, I've done several papers, at a college level, pertaining to this very subject.

 

Hey Brandford. You have some pretty good ideas down on paper so far, and I think an essay like this will score you big points, because it screams maturity and wider thinking. I think what jbb is trying to say is that you need a bit more of a structure to your essay. The most important parts are your introduction and conclusion...because those are the parts that most people remember. I cant say Im an expert on the eloquence of english language...more of a science girl myself!

I think if your topic is on freedom, then you should start by defining what freedom is. Is freedom different depending on where in the world you are? Then structure your argument into points, elaborating on each one. I think mentioning the suicide rate is good but your 30% statistic is confusing. Only because you havent mentioned what the estimated homosexuality rate in teenagers is. Not sure if I'm explaining myself....say for example 30% of teenagers were gay...well then of course 30% of suicides will be gay people....70% straight (I apologise to people who work on the kinsey scale, i was just simplifying it).

Also I think you should look at the in roads that have been made by the LBGT community (i know its hard to think about it after prop 8!!). But for example up until the 80s homosexuality was still a mental disorder in DSM3, and you could be sectioned for psychiatric treatment. So you could discuss that...and also the fact that in some countries homosexualty is punishable by death (Nigeria, Iran, Sudan.....and more).

I think you should talk about human beings as a diverse species, and that every individual is unique.

Anyway I'm sure thats just a load of drivel but hope I've been a bit helpful???Good luck with the essay.xxxxxxx

 

Why would there be a thin line between love and hate? Love and hate are two relatively defined regions separated from each other by abundant scales of measurement of affinity to an object, either abstract or concrete. There is absolutely no line!

 

In conclusion, you essay is very good. I is written quite well for a high school student. And the point is clearly made and supported.
So congratulations!
And I really enjoy reading your latter paragraphs which to some degree highlight the fact that homosexuals are stripped of their constitutional rights. They are the creators of and the heirs to this nation, this republic. They build and maintain democracy, but they are not allowed to further their career, pursue their righteous dream, just because of the lingering connection between church, its blind and outdated faith, and the majority. Will this nation be the star of democracy, will this nation be the poster-child of freedom and will this nation be the symbol of the ruling hand of justice to its utmost? It depends on whether they can commit to their ideology, their true way of life, it relies on whether they can make a breakthrough to future or be relinquished in shame by their mistake with a horrible past which they call "tradition."

 

Overall, I like the idea, but you've got a long way to go. A couple of things you'll want to keep in mind. First off, check your grammar, I noticed a sentence fragment early in the first paragraph, and those are bad.

Most importantly, if this is a research paper, you're gonna have to show your research. A lot of what you're saying isn't common knowledge, and that means you're gonna need to cite. Anyone can make a claim in a paper, in order to make yourself believable you need to cite credible sources.

Reading your paper, one doesn't have to believe you when you say "Some famous homosexuals are Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Michelangelo, and Leonardo Da Vinci." However if you say "Some famous homosexuals are Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Michelangelo, and Leonardo Da Vinci (Mr. Famous Historian)" it becomes more credible.

It needs more work obviously, but it's a good work in progress. Good luck =D.

I realize now I may be applying college standards to a high school paper. It may not be necessary to cite, however, I'd check with your teacher.

 

A lot of high-schoolers don't know to cite, so I was just making sure =P.

 

I sucked at English, so i can't help on that level, but this line seemed weird. i think that needs to be changed to 'he is'

 

You really need to pick one in order for the paper to be effective, if your doing all three it's going to be a really long paper. As far as grammatical stuff, I'll copy an paste a copy tomorrow sometime in the afternoon, it's 4:30 am and I've been on the road the past 7 hours, I need some sleep, sorry .

 

This paper needs a lot of work. It's biggest problem is that it lacks purpose. The reader will get the sense that you are pro-gay rights, but he will not know why, or why he should be. You need to start, right off the bat, by stating to the reader what you hope to have accomplished by the end, and how. Don't be ashamed, talk straight to the reader.

Here's some other things:
-Your title is kind of vague. What kind of Freedom?
-"faggots" and "fags" are redundant. Use "Faggots" and "queers" instead
-You tell the reader to imagine a "teenage boy..." who hides from his sexuality. You should finish this thought experiment by telling the reader the boy actually attends this school, unknown to the rest. Without this, the whole "imagine" thing goes nowhere.
-You need to tell the reader why greater acceptance would reduce the suicide rate more clearly
-When a historian or reputable souce says something good, say who is saying it, preferably quoting him or her
-You don't back up many of your charged statements like "Disallowing same-sex marriage is the equivalent to disallowing people of different races or social classes to marriage."
-Your paper could be so much longer and encompass much more research than it it does. The most effective length of a paper like this is 1,500 words or more. The more sources, the better, but make sure they're reputable.
-Lastly, always read your paper back orally afterwards several times, to check whether your sentences flow well and your grammar is correct.

I don't want to sound like I'm being cold or heartless; I really want you to get the best grade possible! We need more essays about this subject in public schools.