10 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Started My Transition

Exactly two years ago, I sat apprehensively in the reception area of the public health clinic in San Francisco's Castro neighborhood, waiting for my name to be called. If all went according to plan, I would leave that evening with my first prescriptions for estradiol and spironolactone -- day 1 on hormones. I had just come from work, and because only a handful of my colleagues knew about my transition, I was still presenting as a boy (albeit an androgynous one wearing gold eye shadow). I remember looking around the room at the other trans girls sitting nearby. I couldn't wait to be just like them -- to have people see me as my true gender and to finally start feeling comfortable in my body.

It was hard to believe that I had been closeted only two months earlier, and yet here I was, about to embrace the part of myself that I had been ashamed of for nearly all my life. I was ready. Since coming out, I had pored through several radical gender books, watched transition videos on YouTube and researched the hormones I was about to take. I knew what to expect in the weeks and months ahead.

Two years and 4,860 pills later, I now realize how little I actually understood back then. There were so many aspects of transitioning and being treated like a woman in society that I was totally unprepared for. And today I'd like to share 10 lessons that I wish I had known in February 2011.

(Note: This advice is based on my own personal experience as a queer, femme, white, upper-middle-class trans girl with "passing privilege," so some of it might not be applicable to you.)

Continue Reading: Annika Penelope: 10 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Started My Transition

This article is so true. I did go to therapy before starting transition, but the beauty culture really hit me hard. I mean, I wasn't completely ignorant about it, but it just felt like it was "over there." I never paid attention to it, but you can't ignore it when you're living as a woman because it's always in your face.

Also, I didn't realize how much privilege I had as a middle-class white person who was viewed as male until transitioning too--which I think I've talked about on this forum before.

I count myself lucky that my insurance is really good about helping trans people. It may not cover gender confirmation surgery, but it did cover my therapy sessions and my hormones. I pay nothing for hormones: no co-pay, nothing. Same for going to see my gender doctor.

When I started transitioning, it was all about being me. It was about becoming a better version of myself. The hormones were just icing on the cake. It was about making goal to always act a certain way. People tell me things like "you're so brave" and "I wish I could be as strong as you." Honestly? I'm still a coward. That scared little girl that stayed in the closet until 26 is still inside of me.

But I'm committed to doing what I think is right, despite my fear. To act like the better person I want to be, hoping that one day I'll be that woman. I've had the privilege of mentoring young trans girls and I gotta say, I admire that woman I pretend to be just as much as they do. Truth is, though, I became that woman the moment I decided to be her in spite of my fear. It was never an act, I just didn't want to admit to myself that I had grown. That would have been too positive.

That's what I wish I had known before I started transition. That every other trans person else is just as afraid as me. That's why they need help. My help, your help, anyone's help who cares.