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The Velvet Rage

Discussion in 'Entertainment and Technology' started by piano71, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. piano71

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    Well, I finally got my hands on a copy of this book (the 2012 second edition) and read it. It was interesting. It took me about 3-4 hours (in two sessions) to get through the entire book.

    The author, Alan Downs, says that in his work as a psychotherapist, he's seen that gay men usually go through three stages in life:
    1) Being consumed in shame over being gay (in the closet / not out even to yourself phase)
    2) Coming out, but over-compensating to suppress the shame (out, but preoccupied with body image, superficial displays of success and wealth, etc.)
    3) Giving up the over-compensation and living authentically

    I personally don't think the stages are a clear-cut progression. If I had to place myself on this continuum, I'd think I'm somewhere in the later part of stage 2, but too afraid to break through into stage 3.

    The book goes into a lot of detail about common cognitive distortions and relationship problems that gay guys can have.

    More thoughts later ... but has anyone else on here read the book? What were your thoughts?
     
  2. piano71

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    Here's a summary of recommended principles for making life choices from "The Velvet Rage":

    Life choices:
    1. Make decisions as if the man you want to become were in the same situation.
    2. Make choices that contribute to, rather than detract from, your inner peace.
    3. Avoid reacting when experiencing an intense emotion. Remove yourself from the situation until you are clear-headed enough to react thoughtfully.
    4. Favor your own contentment rather than the approval of others.

    I need to do some work on #2 and #4...
     
  3. GayDadStr8Marig

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    I also read and got a lot out of this book. While the whole "fabulous gay life" aspect never applied to me, I can certainly identify with how living in denial, closeted, disconnected, and out of integrity with myself led to a lot of the problems in my relationships -- particularly leading to marriage to my wife -- and even impacted my relationship with my children.

    I definitely need to work on these. Fortunately I have a lot of good friends here at EC and some special friends out here in the real world who help keep me grounded and pointed in the right direction. :slight_smile: