So I've been writing since I was 5, but that doesn't mean I'm really any good. I'm pretty doubtful when calling my own little poems 'poetry' because they feel so.. idiotic and underdeveloped? I don't know, I have issues. But anyway, this is a really short one which was written something like a year and a half ago (so excuse any grammatical error I overlooked whilst writing it). _______ Your mouth, your incredibly mesmerizing crooked smile: a stretch of lips over teeth and I melt. Your voice - low, rough; reassuring me that you're mine and I'm yours - calms me down. Your touch, the gentle way the tips of your fingers trace invisible highways on my skin. You're enchanting me with every step you take to your end.
Since English is not my native language, I can't judge whether it's underdeveloped or not. I see that you use a lot of enjambments, which is matter of taste (I do think it suits this poem quite well). Those're my honest thoughts. (*hug*)
Don't worry about grammar in poetry. As long as its meaning is understood, the rest falls under "artistic license" meaning "do whatever you damn well please." I never remember names of people who give advice like this, but what I have tried to take to heart in my own poetry is to go easy on the adjectives. Words like gentle, mesmerizing, and rough all tell the reader exactly how to feel about the ideas given. Poems tend to be a lot more evocative if you can generate these feelings without giving them outright like this, but instead describing them indirectly. My favorite part of yours was when you said "the tips of your fingers trace invisible highways on my skin." I'm not sure I fully get the "highway" part lol, but its your strongest visual by far. I can picture his fingers gently moving across you, sending sensations all over. Definitely look to that when you write more.
Thanks! English isn't my native language, either I worry about grammar because it's not my native language and I love English and don't want to make any mistakes. Thank you so much for your criticism! I do admit to using many adjectives when writing, and I think that it's partly because that's the style of my writing, but mainly because it's still not my native language and I find it easier to rely on simple adjectives to get the message across. I do try to reduce my use of them when I write (and I'll definitely try harder now thanks to you) because I like to challenge myself, but it is harder than describing things in Hebrew with little to no adjectives. As to the line you liked - the "highway" thing is a reference to characters I love from my favourite TV show since the main characters travel a lot by car and it gave me this idea - and yeah I'm aware it's vague... I haven't been writing a lot lately since I don't really have the time now, but hopefully I'll come back to it soon enough (*hug*)
and yeah I'm aware it's vague... I think it's great when poems gives us food for thought, so being "vague" is quite a good thing in my opinion. (*hug*) Can't wait to read more. :icon_bigg
I like it I like how it repeats but with different words and if you want to read a great poem search Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori
My advice wasn't to say never use adjectives either, just don't come to rely on them so much. And your English is beautiful btw What is your first language?
I love poetry and knowing and loving poetry I can say this: IT IS PERFECT Poetry is an interesting art form because it can't be edited too much or it loses what it is in its essence, I like your work writing about a subject isn't my thing unless I'm writing a macabre story and feel it's better suited to a poem rather than a short story. Keep at it, hell maybe one day I'll buy one of your poetry books.
Oh, thanks so much!! Thank you; especially for the rec, I'll definitely check it out. Yeah, that's what I'll be aiming to do now whenever I write. Thank you!! My first language is Hebrew :icon_bigg Wow, thanks a lot!! Haha I doubt it but still, you made me very happy (*hug*)
