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PageXButch (Fictional Gay Couple Short Story)

Discussion in 'Entertainment and Technology' started by Taly, Jun 3, 2015.

  1. Taly

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    So yeah, I'm pretty much a writer. (As much as a 16 year old is :grin:) And I wrote this short story about a fictional gay-male couple I thought about.

    Wanted to show it to the LGBT community(you guys on EC)... So... Yeah :3

    Here's the story: (Mind you, I'm very much like one of these characters in the story; PROVIDED that I was actually in their position.)



    **************

    The day was as young as them, the fall leaves danced around in the clearing around them. Page and Butch enjoyed their morning at the park; they sat on the bench in a soothing silence. The sun bleached Page’s hair into a lighter color of blonde.

    “Hold my hand.” Butch grunted as he gripped onto Page’s hand and pulled him close to his side.

    Feeling a wave of warmth and security, Page gazed up at Butch’s stoic expression, admiring the sunlight shine on his tanned face, and short dark brown hair and tight beard. The park suited Page’s peaceful mood… hopefully it would calm Butch as well. Nevertheless, Page rested his head onto Butch’s shoulder, slightly infatuated with him wearing a loose, black tank top.

    “I’m really thankful…” Page began, “y-you know, inviting me to spend the day with you.” Page giggled as he locked his arm with Butch’s; whereas, Page appeared really fragile with his lean build, next to Butch’s big and stocky build.

    A smile formed on Butch’s face, “Good, have you found any inspiration for art at his park?”

    “Well, in a sense… I have.” Page blushed looking down, but taking peaks back up at Butch when he turned away.

    “Don’t be going shy on me,” Butch’s hazel eyes softened as he held Page’s chin up to him with his finger, “I like you, so let’s give this a try.” His face becomes taut for a slight moment as he shifts onto his side.

    “You’ve said you work out a lot, in the gym?” Page made a slight gasp at Butch’s engagement, “You should relax some, especially if you’re hurting in several places.”

    Butch lets out a bark of laughter, “Bah, I’ve been through far worse than this. Don’t worry about me, kid.” Butch winks at Page.

    Page laughs as well, “Alright, just don’t get killed in the process. Besides, I’m only 3 years younger than you.”

    “Trust me, 23 and 20 are a lot in difference.” Butch flexes his arms for a minute as Page leaned on him. “They’re both ages where you either feel very lost, or much found.”
    Two black birds flying around in the sky caught Page’s attention; he shifted in on the bench, finding comfort while snuggling up with his aqua hoodie to acknowledge the sight. “Those birds are very interesting, aren’t they? I wonder which if they feel lost or found…”

    Butch looks at the birds for a moment and then stands up, and Page pulls himself up with him. Butch points toward a café on the other side of the street. “Let’s go get something to eat.”

    Of course, Page followed along with Butch and was conscious to how dominate Butch behaved. Whenever they weren’t holding hands, Butch had his arms or hand behind or around Page, slightly pushing and guiding him in the direction where he wanted to go, showing a sense of politeness while he asserted himself without going overboard. Page didn’t mind this; he liked the gestures and not being the decisive one. However, he did feel a ping of a burden; he wondered what he meant to Butch, and Butch’s assertiveness made Page wonder how he contributed to the two of them as a pair in comparison. In any case, Page dismissed those feelings for now, and enjoyed sitting next to Butch in the café as they placed in their orders.

    Page wasn’t very hungry; all he got was lemonade, whereas Butch ordered tea and a croissant. Page leaned forward and stared at the modern-day designs that filled the café walls. “I really like the scenery here, the neutral colors, and the lighting. This could be where I would go to write some stuff. You know… if I had a laptop.”

    “I’d be waiting here, sipping on my tea ready to read what you write.” Butch cracked out a kink in his neck.

    “Hah, thanks.” Page brushed his hair with his hand, “And I’d sit out in the stands in a stadium somewhere while you go win yourself a gold medal.”

    “Yeah, that’s what would happen.” Butch’s deep voice thickened as he drank his tea more, Page was surprised and thrilled to see how relaxed Butch was.

    Moments passed as they drank and ate in silence; but the silence wasn’t awkward or nowhere near boring. Both of them kept casting looks at each other, often times when the other turned away.

    Butch spoke up once again, “You know, you’re pretty cute. I like that lavender type lipstick you have on. It’s a bit mysterious.”

    Page’s face turn into another shade of red as he put his finger on his lip and realized that he forgot to wipe away the make-up that he sometimes wore for play. “I don’t normally go out like this, I’m glad you like it. It’s more of a violet color, it’s my favorite.”

    “Ya know what my favorite color is? Jungle green.” Butch finishes his croissant and drinks and leans in to meet Page’s gaze. “Second favorite would probably be black.”

    “Black is one of my favorites,” Page proceeded to speak more freely now, “The color inspires me to write, sketch, and make my art sometimes….”

    “Kind of like those two black birds you pointed out?” Butch put his elbows and arms on the table, showing his interest.

    Page almost went into a fit of laughter, “That’s exactly what I was going to say.” Page calmed down as he stared into Butch’s image for a moment.

    Butch pulled himself up from his seat and folded his arms, “Are you ready to go someplace else?”

    Page grinned, “What do you have in mind?”

    “Don’t worry, we can walk there.” Butch smiled as the two of them two of them paid for their orders and exited the café. Page was beginning to like and trust Butch; it made him a lot more secure in him letting Butch lead the way.

    It took almost half an hour to travel a few city blocks, but ultimately Butch stopped almost abruptly in front of a manor-like house. Page peered up, seeing that the manor was almost connected to several other houses, and there were what appeared to be centers of communication.

    “What is this place?” Page was almost intimidated to see all of the buildings, and questioned what Butch was on about.

    “This is my home,” Butch stated, “Or well, part of it. This place is where a lot of low to middle income people stay. It’s not the sketchy part of the city but it isn’t providence… There are some LGBTQA+ centers around here. I thought you’d like to come with me to my room in one of these buildings.”

    Temptation gnawed at Page, he took another smaller leap of faith in trusting Butch again. “Alright, lead the way.”

    A friendly, yet suggestive expression washed over Butch’s face as he put his arm around Page, and Page only laid his head on his bare shoulder once again. Butch led Page to his room, taking several moments due to the big complexes. There was high activity around the area, and both of them had to pass hallways and then go on an elevator to go on the level where Butch’s room was, which was on the second floor. Then they finally got to the room.

    Page’s eyes widen, seeing how the room was almost completely short, but tidied up. There was a window wall that had a door in it, leading to a balcony to look down. There was a small bathroom with all of its necessities. There were 2 doors on opposite sides of the apartment room, the left side was where a 2-person bed was, and the right was where a smaller kitchen was.

    “How do you like it?” Butch smirked as he grumbled, giving Page a racy glare.

    “It’s really nice and well-structured,” Page sits and cuddles up on the couch, “So, what do you do for a living exactly, Butch?”

    “Well aside from sometimes working around the gym,” Butch burped, of which Page oddly found endearing, “I basically work as an LGBT counselor and I’m one of the main coordinators for LGBT events that go down around this part of the city.”

    Admiration filled Page, “That is really wonderful. How come I didn’t know about this LGBT community before?” Page peered down, almost a little sad.

    “We are low-key around parts of the city,” Butch casually plopped down on the couch almost cuddling with Page as well, “At least you know about it now.”

    There was a moment of silence; Page began to find Butch’s attraction mentally and physically to be almost overwhelming. Dismissing any thoughts that threatened his worth, Page closed his eyes for a moment.

    Butch wrapped his arms around Page, becoming the big spoon, “Its fall, and it’s still a bit warm outside. Are you going to continue to wear that hoodie all the time?”

    When Butch brought it up, Page realized how hot he was. He took his hoodie off and a blue t-shirt was revealed. It looked faded and worn-down. Butch’s face and posture returned to becoming stoic and strong once again, but he showed small signs that he liked Page taking off his hoodie.

    They cuddled for a few minutes, “Hey, Butch…” Page gazed up at him, “What exactly made you ask me out?”

    “Aye…” Butch shrugged as returned eye contact, “I just found you living on the sketchy and dark side of town, and you didn’t seem to have a lot of connections with people, or places to go. After talking to you a few times and then realizing that you are a young artist struggling to survive…”

    “Oh…” Page commented and laid closer to him, “How did you guess that I was gay?”

    “Some of the posts that writers put up around the city,” Butch continued, “A lot of the low-income and ‘homeless’ people in the city are LGBT people under the age of 30… I began seeing the beautiful artwork you’d post around the cities… Some had symbols of LGBT…”

    Page felt a ping of emotion, he almost hid his face under Butch’s beard and neck, “You pieced together that I was disowned by my family…?”

    “Not entirely, but I knew something was up…” Sympathy filled Butch’s face, “Where is your family?”

    Page shifted almost underneath Butch at this point, “They abandoned me… And left.”

    Butch held Page tightly, “You’re better… You deserve better…”

    Page almost wanted to decline but understood the truth, “I know I do…” Page held onto Butch as they cuddled on the couch.

    Moments pass by; Page lightly presses his lips up against Butch’s neck.

    “What about you?” Page inquired.

    “Same with me,” Butch replied, “…Except… I had already known 3 other LGBT people at that point…. So I had almost always had someone to turn to…. I’m sorry you didn’t have that.”

    Page lightly kissed Butch’s beard underneath his chin out of a sense of lust, “Don’t be sorry.”

    Somber, and somewhat passion minutes fly by… Both of them were silent, and yet again; it wasn’t awkward in the slightest.

    Butch grunted, “So, did you find inspiration from what we looked at today? I have a laptop here, as well for you to write.”

    Page smiled, “Yeah… I want to write and submit a short story about two birds… Both of them fly in a circle… Trying to be found in their lost path. But they circle and chase each other because they feel as though they found something that’d put their life back onto a better track again.”

    “Just like those birds you pointed out in the park today.” Butch connected two and two together.

    “Yeah…” Page whispers and makes a long pause, “Kind of like us.”

    Butch patted Page’s back, “Yeah… We’re just lovebirds in this crazy flight that we call life.”

    “I just thought that too…” Page snickered as he gazed up at Butch, “Maybe there’s a poet in you as well.”

    Butch laughed, “Maybe… But I’m going to remain on top.” Both of them chuckled again, “I mean… You can live with me… Since you don’t really have anywhere to go… The community is nice here.”

    Page opens his mouth, “But where will I slee-“ Butch lightly puts one of his fingers over Page’s mouth.


    “The bed can hold 2 people, can’t it?” Butch gave a nonchalant stare.

    Page giggled and felt unbelievably attracted to Butch once again, and then he finally makes up his mind on where he was going to sleep for that night, and hopefully for a lot of nights to come.

    “I believe the bed can.” Page states, making perfect eye contact with Butch, “I believe it can.”

    “Good, because I’m sleepy as hell.” Butch grunted as he stood up from the couch, “You coming with me?”

    Page didn’t blush anymore; he began to feel a sense of not only safety, happiness, and a lack of humility; of which he found felt appealing at this point. Still maintaining somewhat of a coy image, he slowly stands up in and walks with Butch toward his bed in the other room.

    And with their first actual date coming to a success, both of them lie down next to each other, and take their first nap side-by-side.

    *********************

    I'm going to just cut this off since it's a good and completed ending.

    What do you guys think of it!? :O Thoughts? Want to see more? Be honest! I'm open to any and all criticism and comments/compliments! ;3
     
    #1 Taly, Jun 3, 2015
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  2. Kaiser

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    I haven't actually gone over this aggressively, but one part stood out to me immediately:

    That sounds too machine-like, and not very... well... casual. I know people have actually said, and do say, all those letters, but most folks, if it isn't for something formal, tend to use a more casual approach.

    But from what I've glanced, your formatting seems on point. So, that's a huge plus! Some folks don't believe in paragraphs or spacing, so thank you.
     
  3. The Wallflower

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    Beautiful! I love them both! I love your writing! I love it all!

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  4. Taly

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    @Kaiser

    Yeah, you have a point on the letters and I actually agree with you there; I was unsure on whether to keep it in that sentence.

    However, I didn't want ANYONE on this site (or anyone in general) to feel left out if I didn't put all the letters there(I only did it once to push the point across). Plus, Butch had a technical relation to the centers, so it made sense.

    In any case, thanks for your input. :slight_smile:

    @The Wallflower

    LOL, thank you. :grin: (*hug*)
     
  5. Kaiser

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    You mean well, and that's kind of you, but don't fall into the trap of making a story that doesn't offend. There's a difference in being flat out hateful and being, well, realistic. The best characters tend to get a rise from people, and to do this, you have to be more reflective of the world at large.

    Your writing style, so far, is easy to read. Some folks come off as... harsh, and technical, and it really sucks the life out of you. As you grow as a writer, try not to lose that simplicity, because it makes a work more universally readable.

    Your dialogue, so far, is fine. I am noticing something though, Butch appears to be your mouthpiece to "explain" things to people, which is fine, but it could use a little polishing to make it more subtle. I always tended to dislike it when an author, puts a character in something, as it insults my intelligence. Not saying you did this with any malicious intent, but he reminds me of that, especially when he's speaking.

    I like some of your choices of words, like "bark of laughter", that was clever.
     
  6. Taly

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    @Kaiser

    Ah, I don't mean to insult anyone's intelliegence(I know you aren't saying that though.)

    But yeah, I can see some polishing that could be done to be a bit more subtle, thanks for your advice about the realism and characters that get a rise out of people; I haven't really thought of that before.

    Overall, would you say you like or dislike the story? :3 (A personal opinion on the story)
     
  7. Justinian20

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    I love your story. the whole story made me smile. I also giggled when Butch said The bed can hold 2 people, can't it
     
  8. Yosia

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    It's good. It's quite well written too in my opinion.
     
  9. guitar

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    Very well written. Needs more editing & sprucing up, but you're well on your way. For 16, it's quite good. Your dialogue is a definite strong suit.

    This piece actually reminded me of my favorite novel The Lesser Blessed. Well done :slight_smile:
     
  10. Argentwing

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    It was cute. Essentially what guitar said right there ^^ very decent for 16 and extremely well put-together considering how my writing was 9 years ago :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I noticed you tend to over-describe things though. This passage in particular:

    ...is overwhelmed with adjectives. I get the desire to paint a clear picture, but you can do so without detailing everything. The real art comes in picking key details to describe and letting the reader's imagination do the rest.

    Definitely keep creating like you have and never stop learning about writing. As with most everything, there is so much more to doing it very well than most people realize; the more you know, the more tools and techniques you have to make beautiful pieces. :grin:
     
  11. Taly

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    @Justinian20

    I'm glad you liked it. :slight_smile:

    LOL, I wasn't entirely meaning to be comedic with the "2 people bed" dialogue line as much as I was trying to make it seems suggestive. XD But looking back, I find how it was a bit funny. ;P

    @Yosia

    Thank you :grin: <3

    @guitar

    Yeah, I find I do need to change some grammar and put things in a better place; I was a rushing to post this a bit, but thanks for your input.

    Also thanks for the 16 year old good writing comment. X3 I find that when I write dialogue people tend to really like it. o:

    @Argentwing

    Ah, I can see where I went overboard with describing. It's just that the idea that this was a short story about a relationship, I wanted to give a clear image on the appearance. Mostly for audience appeal in imagining it. But I believe leaving it alone would be just as fine, as you are saying. XP

    Thanks for ze input. :3

    @General Question for Everyone

    What about my dialogue is good? Is there anything I could work on with it?
     
  12. Gen

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    Very well done. Truly, because believe me when I say that I have sugarcoated my honest opinion on a member's work many times. Let's be honest.

    First, I am going to challenge Kaiser's criticism. Making sure to include every aspect of that acronym would be odd for the average individual, but given that this person works as a counselor at an LGBTQIA+ center they could very easy default on the inclusive acronym out of habit.

    The descriptions are definitely the strongest part of the story. You can definitely feel your voice coming through the text.

    There are a few things that I would consider with the dialogue. Dialogue is difficult in short stories because readers have little time to connect with characters and, therefore, tend to have trouble reading their words as natural and realistic rather than robotic. Take advantage of the fact that you are writing in third person. You can inform the readers of the background through the descriptions rather than the dialogue.

    But short stories are some of the hardest forms of fiction to do justice and convey meaning. So, good for you. :slight_smile:
     
  13. HuskyPup

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    Very touching!

    I liked the imagery in the park, especially the black birds. I'd enjoy seeing more of more of the park's atmosphere woven into the narrative. (As well as the surrounding city) I thought the dialog was a strong suit, as well. Though I think I'd use a different verb than 'grunted', as it makes Butch seem, well, almost too Butch =p

    As for the discussion surrounding the line starting with, "There are some LGBTQA+ centers around here....", my suggestion would be to make this singular, as in most places, there is just one center, or maybe a couple. It also makes it seem more personal for Butch to be directing him to one center in particular.

    So my suggestion is:

    "There's a LGBTQA+ center around here. I thought you’d like to see it, maybe come with me to my room there."

    This seems a bit more natural sounding, and helps move the plot along in more specific terms.

    ~

    Those are my main suggestions. As has been said, short stories are hard, and this is very nicely done, and has a very sweet feel to it, without being overly mushy and sentimental, which is a hard thing to do.

    Nice work, and hope to see more!
     
  14. Taly

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    @Gen

    Interesting advice on the dialogue. :slight_smile: I believe you honestly like the work. X3

    But overall yes, it is a bit difficult maintaining dialogue with description AND telling a story when it's quite short and in the context as this one. I tried to make this somewhat fast-paced, and flow off the top of my head through half the time I wrote it, it seems to blend so far. :slight_smile:

    Thanks for your thoughts :3

    @HuskyPup

    lol, I can see where you think the word choice of "grunt" was a little odd. I intentionally tried to make Butch pretty masculine. ;P It was in contrast to Page... Plus, I'm personally like Page (if I was in Page's position), and I'm attracted to more masculine men, so I built Butch off the idea of what Page(I) was into.

    Also, since every person who's interested in men could at least find 1 trait in these two that they liked, since they both symbolized some differences in each other, but some relevant similarities as well.

    Yeah, I could have worded what Butch said differently, in my head I pictured a smalls section of the city to be where a lot of the LGBT community was, versus where Butch was in. But I could have made that a bit more simple.

    Thanks for your input Husky :grin:
     
  15. Kaiser

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    Argentwing, Gen and HuskyPup have covered anything else I could have said.

    After thinking about it, Gen's right. It does make sense for Butch to use the long acronym, but not in the way you wrote it, which goes into HuskyPup's comments. I'd say this is the balance I was looking for.

    When you get a chance to do some tweaking, share again. I'd love to see a compare and contrast.
     
  16. Taly

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    @Kaiser

    I'm going to tweak it a bit later - repost it here(since for some reason, I can't re-edit the first post), and then create a blog with the edited version in it. :slight_smile:
     
  17. Sek

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    I enjoyed reading the story, it was interesting to see the dynamic between the two unfolding. It flowed pretty well as a whole. I liked some of the imagery you included, particularly about the two black birds flying in a circle in the sky as a reference to how we live our lives. But I feel like you could've gone even deeper, as vultures are known to circle above dead prey - perhaps this could be a reference to our emotions keeping us from moving on from a lost cause, like a relationship ending. I don't know if this is what you intended but it came across to me as just meaning they were in love:

    "But they circle and chase each other because they feel as though they found something that’d put their life back onto a better track again."

    I'm feeling inspired to write something of my own now! :grin:
     
    #17 Sek, Jun 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2015
  18. Taly

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    @Sek

    Yay, I've inspired someone. :grin:

    I didn't really think about the vultures connection, that is interesting that you brought it up. X3 Assuming I write and post more of these, then I'm not planning on ButchXPage splitting up much at all. XP
     
  19. lovecraft

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    This piece was so well written! I think you really captured an interesting a realistic dynamic between the two, that's definitely not easy to do! :grin:
     
  20. Taly

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    @lovecraft

    Yep! And the dynamic was created based off SOME of my main persona aspects being projected into one of them. *cough* Page *cough*

    And then I visualized a possible ideal mate for myself(Page), and thus *cough* Butch *cough* was born. :slight_smile:

    Writers do tend to put a bit of themselves on each page. :wink: