I didn't know where to post this

You are relatable and I feel somewhat the same sometimes. I got into a long term relationship knowing I felt odd as a boy and that I might possibly not always be the right man for my significant other because, well, I'm not so much a man. But now as I start to look into who I am after years of having that "shell" around me I have started to realize that I'm not 100% straight, which doesn't nullify my marriage or my love, but it means that, with this person whom has already vowed to spend her life with me, I am starting to uncover all of this uncertainty about myself and to express or understand what I feel. And while it feels nice to uncover my true desires instead of simply hating my body or telling myself nobody will like me if I'm out, I am not only self-hating for not coming out to more people than a few select, EXTREMELY close individuals in my life, I am also affecting my own relationship. By being honest I'm destroying confidence in myself from her and by not opening up to my feminine side or, more accurately my non-male side, I am shutting down my own ability to explore love and and to be myself, free from depression and self-loathing.
But I can't just tell her "I'm gay, I love you but I'm love with you," because I have to say "you're the love of my life, and I will always need you, but some part of me is not the man you married. I'm not just attracted to you, but to tons of people. And, yeah, I do hate my body. I do want to change the man you seem to find attractive and sexy because, while I recognize myself as being attractive (even to myself-that's an odd conversation) I don't feel like me. Please don't leave."

And therein she becomes trapped, I become less trustworthy, I put stress on her, I can't explore my feelings the same way that other people do, and even now, with two boys, I am expected to play a male role in my family, and I just can't. Because I'm not just some emotional man with an open mind, I'm not a man at all to myself. In fact, the hobbies I have that are most manly (metal and woodworking) are actually mostly only fun to me for the same reason sewing is to other people. I have a chance to give to those whom I love. My guy friends, girl friends, wife, kids, family.

So I don't just hate myself for not being simple, but because I made a family and I'm slowly tearing down the expectations I was meant to fulfill and I can't just say "hey, I'm gay, I need to go live my life, and our kids can have THREE fathers instead of, well, one mother and an "it."

And who wants to be married to an it?



But life was already complex before you got here. And people will love you for who you are. There has never been a hatred of people for loving other people, only an ill-conceived notion that homosexuality was, physically, unnatural or a sin.
This is no longer considered true. People are starting to see that.
You are no more a problem than you were before. You've always been you, just like Shane Dawson, and just like me. You never changed, you just realized that you had mislabeled your goods (if you get my metaphor). People still bought them, and they'll keep buying them if they truly like what you've got going on.
Thankfully, I have found a soulmate. She does still love me, because she didn't love the idea of me, she loved ME for who I am. And the new label may confuse her, or change her expectations of me. But.
There's nothing new. I feel the same, if not happier, recognizing myself for me. Shane Dawson didn't change, he just allowed himself to accept himself instead of rejecting himself. He didn't APPEAR. People rarely just FLIP to being a new person.

I hope that helps.
I understand if it doesn't much. I remind myself of it a lot but it doesn't stop the tears for long. I just hope it helps.(*hug*)