Writing Critique? Constructive Criticism??

I hear you about not being able to find anybody to give constructive criticism. I do a bit of writing myself and I hate that nobody is willing to tell me what to improve on, so let me see what I can do. Look for the parts marked in bold red.

Right here, I would consider putting a comma instead of a dash.

And right here I'd remove the comma. It kind of detracts a bit from the drama. I read that line in my head and there's just an awkward pause where that comma is. It reads a lot better without it there.

Here, I'd consider changing that comma to a period or removing the second "I tried".

I've noticed a bit of a trend here of commas being used where it would be better off without one, or not used where it would read better. After the word "percussion" I would consider adding a comma.

Seriously, though, awkward comma use is the only fault I've seen in this piece thus far.

I'd remove those commas, as well. Again, they create awkward pauses right when the drama is built up the most.

All in all, a well-written piece. The awkward commas were the only thing that I could really point out as being "off" in any way. Keep at it.

(I didn't edit the teaser because you didn't specify that you wanted that one edited.)

 

I'll try to help. My forte isn't in mystery and all, but I'll try my best, based on the books I tend to read.

For starters, is the paragraph as it is? No other paragraphs to pause the entire thing? I'm not well versed in story writing-I'm trying, but I'm a fanfic author, and I noticed that fics have generally shorter paragraphs. Parts when the anticipation is building-the ticking sounds-I feel that they should have been another paragraph.

The ticking of his pocket watch was a most terrifying sound to hear - yet oddly mesmerizing. I think you could have merged the two sentences. The ticking of his pocket watch was a most terrifying-yet oddly mesmerizing-sound to hear.

I tried to run, I tried, really I did. But the sound! The first part, when the victim is trying to prove to the reader that he did try to run, I found the repetition unnecessary. Although you try to stress the idea of running, the exclamation of the sound holding him back makes the pace quicken, and the repeated stress of trying to run slows it down, so you have an overly quick pace, followed by a fast increase, before it drops totally to let him being caught sink in. Instead, I tried to run-really, I did-but the sound! I feel is a a build-up to the drop of him being caught.

I also found your excess use of exclamation marks a little off putting. The part where it goes Louder, louder, louder! it sounds...weird. I don't think you should have repeated 'louder' so many times-it makes the pace pick up too quickly, especially with the exclamation mark. Right at the next sentence, the pace drops to a halt. Personally, I would prefer these types of scenes to have a slow, calm pace. Instead of quickening and slowing the pace at intervals, a slow, steady pace would be able to build up the tension, especially if we're looking at the victim's POV.

Er, I do say I don't make much sense in this. I'm usually editing more on sentence structure and don't touch as much on writing style. This does seem interesting, though. Seems right up my lane, as to what to read. Are you going to continue to make it a story? If you are, I would love to read it, if possible. It does seem very interesting. Best of luck on it!

 

Insofar as sentence structure, you might try switching up the first few sentences. They all start with "I", and it seems to prevent the intro from flowing properly. Just a minor suggestion there. In general, though, your writing is quite exceptional. It's so suspenseful, just the one paragraph has me hooked and wanting to read more. Nice!

 

I can only offer little tidbits here, but my main ones are such:

Try to find better verbs than "is" forms: I was, he was, they were, etc. These don't express much, just mean that something in the story just exists a certain way, and we should insert it into the scene. Usually the subject is doing something. If that's really the best way to say it, don't shy away. But some sort of activity, even abstract/figurative, goes a long way.

Contrast it with your first sentence which, IMO, is a bit flat and tells you too much outright. Ordinary people have no reason to see a ticking watch as terrifying and hypnotic; this way it teases out why the narrator's situation is different.

Small nitpick, but is "overwhelmingness" a word? There has got to be a better noun form of "overwhelming" that doesn't sound so clunky. Maybe go metaphorical and say the watch is a "bladed pendulum" of orderly clicking. It's a reference to "The Pit and the Pendulum," a classic horror story that conjures up the same feelings I imagine your narrator has while watching this menacing figure come closer.

As a final note, what about your narrator him/herself? All we know is that they feel they're in trouble; we can't even be certain they are about to die. Granted death is something most people will not be able to accept in stride, but maybe give your character a bit of personality so it's believable they fear death? How'd they get into this situation? Right now it seems like the setting is a sort of dungeon or interrogation room, just the two people in darkness. I like the dialogue at the end. He said "Your Grace" meaning your main character is nobility. Is this a political move? Interesting...

Your teaser paragraph is much better I think. A lot more unique with potential for creepy goings-on. You should check out the older writing thread. Tons of good stuff on there as well.