Hello guys and gals. I'm an aspiring writer and I would like to give some excerpts of one of my stories. I don't think I can post the whole thing as the publisher i'm with may not like that much (otherwise I probably would), but I will post what I can. If you have any thoughts, questions, or feedback, feel free to post. NOTE: I hope this is the right area of the forum to post this in. Forgive me if it isn't. Chapter 1: The Move Once upon a time in a land of great turmoil, there was a man, Zilis; who fought off the armies of the evil goblins. Zilis was a warrior with amazing strength and determination. As he was fighting them, it sounded as if there was thunder and lightning, "Crack, Pow, Bam!" The armies of goblins fell at his feet and he was proclaimed champion of the Kingdom of Trill. The King gave him an audience and he knighted him. "Oh brave and powerful warrior, you have saved us from the clutches of the Sigil," he continued while holding a sword to his shoulder "We thank you." "Aiden!" "What!?" I responded as I looked up from my notebook "Quit writing for a few minutes and come help me clean up!" My mom commanded as she was messing with the vacuum "Mom, I really want to continue my writing." "Well, you'll have to continue some other time," She yelled as she turned on the vacuum cleaner "right now we have to get ready to move!" Me and my family were getting ready to move away from my home in Sacramento. We're going to Ireland to visit my grandmother and take care of her because she's very ill. And with my grandfather already passed, we're the only ones who can help. In part, I was really excited, I have never been to Ireland. At the same time I was sad to leave my best friends behind. "Aiden," my mother said with a sigh "you have a call from Ian." "Awesome, cool!" "Just remember, you don't get off the hook that easy, you still have to help!" She demanded as she pointed at me "Hey Ian, what's up?" "Nothin' much really, life is pretty boring right now." He replied "We're really gonna miss you when you leave." "So will I. I still can't believe I'm going to a different country." "Aiden, where in Ireland are you going to?" "Hmm, I don't know, I think my Mom said some place called Killarney," I responded as I glanced around for her "Why do you ask?" "No reason, guess I was just curious." He answered "Well, Ian, I'll be able to see you tomorrow before we leave," I continued "I wish I could talk to you for awhile longer, but my mother wants me to help her clean." "Okay, I'll be seeing you dude." After I was done talking with Ian on the phone I helped my mother clean the house and pack. As I was doing it, I was getting more sad by the moment. We weren't moving away forever though, I will be able to see them again sometime. But to be away from my best friends in the whole world was like torture. At dinner we don't usually sit together. I end up eating in my room most of the time, but my mom insisted we do this time. I was an only child, so it was just me, my dad, and my mom. "So, Aiden, how's your story coming?" My dad asked as he was eating. "Oh, it's doing great," I continued while acting out everything with my hands "I just had Zilis beat the Sigil and he was knighted by the king!" "That sounds great son." "I'm going to have him fight an ogre next!" "I'm sure that's going to be exciting." My dad responded while concentrating more on his plate than on what I was saying. "Mmm, Cathleen, this meatloaf is really good." "Thanks, Brian, I used a special recipe this time." she said with a smile. "Mom, dad, can I be excused?" "Why do you want to be excused Aiden?" My mom asked. "Because I really want to get back to my story." "Oh, fine," She said, "But you have to be in bed by eleven." While the warrior Zilis was being knighted, a soldier for the king told them that a huge ogre had come up to the castle. "King Thabias, I will vanquish that nasty ogre for you!" Zilis said with a loud cry "Hurry Zilis, go!" The king commanded. Zilis started marching up to the ogre with his chest puffed out and head held high. When he came to the ogre he told him "Listen, you beast, you better leave this place before you get a taste of something you'll regret!" "Hahaha, you puny little human, you're no match for me!" the ogre shouted back. "Very well then," Zilis started, "I guess your going to regret it then!" "Crack, Pow, Bam!" The ogre fell to his defeat as he yelled in anguish "NOOO, you beat me!" "That will teach you not to pick fights with us ever again" Zilis said in triumph. Zilis had saved the land and the kingdom in it, and he was forever hailed as hero and legend of the Kingdom of Trill. "The end!" I said to myself as I collapsed on my bed. I am so glad I'm done with that story. As I was laying on the bed I started thinking on how Ireland would be. I was so excited, because I have never been anywhere outside of California, besides maybe Nevada. I then started thinking about another story I should write. I was getting tired of writing about heroes and kingdoms. I want to write about something scary this time; but I have no idea of what to write about to make my story scary. "Well, anyway, it's time for me to go to sleep," I said as I tucked myself in "thinking about what to write can be such a chore." "Get up Aiden, it's time to pack a bit more before we leave," my mom said. At this point, I'm more scared how I'll fit into this new place we're going to than leaving my friends. From what my mom told me, it sounds like a cool place, but, I mean, what would I do there? After packing for a few more hours, we were finally done. We're just taking the essentials really. "Finally, we're done Aiden," my mom said. "Yeah, it's about time too, I have to get in touch with my friends!" Ian Finley and Brayan Benniton are my two best friends. We have known each other since the fourth grade. This will be the first time I won't see them for a long period of time. "Hello?" "Hey, Ian, meet me outside, and get Brayan!" I demanded "Well, okay Aiden," he said, "meet us in about ten minutes." "Okay, I'll see you then." While walking outside to meet with them, I kept thinking of the story I wanted to write. I want it to be so terrifying that I don't even want to read it. Walking through the neighborhood was always pleasant. I often like to think about things while just walking nowhere at all. I eventually came up to a house I often visited. It was owned by an Asian couple, they also had a dog. The dog was a beautiful Husky and I often visited to play with it. It came trotting up to the fence and then putting its paw up towards me. "Hey Pokey, I'm going to Ireland," I said as I began to pet it, "so you won't see me for awhile." After I was done petting him, I continued walking. Looking at the houses you would get the impression they were clones of each other with slightly different paint jobs. Yeah, it's totally a typical neighborhood. "Hey, Aiden!" "Brayan!" I yelled back as I waved. "I'm so glad...to see you...before you left." He said as he was getting out of breath. "Brayan, you okay?" "Yeah, I think I'm fine," he said as he wiped his forehead, "I practically ran all the way here." "So, I guess it's time to see you off then." Ian said as he started walking up to us. "Hello Ian," Brayan said. "Hey Aiden, how's your story about Zilis coming?" Ian asked. "It's doing good, I'm done with it though," I replied, "Zilis already beat the Sigil, and to tell you the truth, I'm tired of writing about heroes." "What do you want to write then?" Brayan asked. "I want a scary story, something good." "Well, you're going to Ireland, don't they believe in Leprechauns?" Ian asked "I don't know, maybe." "You'll find out soon enough," Ian said. "It looks like my parents are coming." With a hug for Brayan and a handshake for Ian, I was ready to leave. I was a bit hesitant to leave though, I guess I was still sad to leave them behind. I love them both and to go maybe a year without them seems unbearable. "Bye, Aiden!" Brayan shouted "I'll see you guys!" "See ya dude," Ian added. "I'll see you guys later, I promise," I said to them as I got into the car. "Hurry, Aiden, we have to make it to the plane on time!" my mom yelled. "Be good while we're gone boys," my mom said to my friends, "We'll be back." ----- There you go! I may post a bit more a little later.
I quite like the excerpt; I intend to critique soon. But, do not initiate the story with the cliché,"Once upon a time."
Lol, as cliche as it was, it was intentional. I can explain why if you're interested. ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2015 at 10:04 AM ---------- Since the first chapter is very uneventful, I included a bit more with this next post. ---- Chapter 2: Welcome to Killarney "We finally made it to Ireland," My mom said as she looked out upon the land. "Yeah, it looks great, doesn't it Aiden?" my dad asked as he hit me on the back. "Yeah, beyond anything I thought it would." Ireland looked beautiful, green as far as the eye can see. Really sunny, and the plant life was lush as well. Very picture perfect. The grass was a very deep emerald green. Bright and almost majestic, as if light from heaven itself shown off of the grass and made it glow a radiant glow. It looked like a paradise, it looked fantastic. "Come on' Aiden, we have to meet up with grandma," my mom said breaking me off from the splendor around me. "Doesn't Killarney look like heaven?" My mom and dad laughed "I don't know, it's really beautiful though," she responded. We took a rental car and drove to my grandmother's house. On the way I took the opportunity to drink in all of the sights. We went by several lakes, the water was so clear and unpolluted. It's as if I could drink from it, so crystal clear. We also went by a few buildings that were like mansions and castles. It was so very awesome. We arrived at my grandmother's house, it was nice, but it looked like a hut compared to the other buildings. "Hey, mom, dad...weren't you living here before?" I continued while looking up at them, "Why are you guys acting like everything's new to you?" "Aiden, we haven't been here since you were a child, being here reminded us of how beautiful it looks." my dad replied We made way to the door of my grandmother's house and knocked. The house looked neat but it had these weird vines along the sides. Not too much, just a little bit. As if it was slowly being pulled into the ground by nature itself, and the vines are its fingers. "Oh, hello everyone!" my grandmother said. My grandmothers name is Phiala, it means 'Irish Saint', kind of fitting since she's the one person I can't imagine doing any wrong at all. "Ooh, look at this little lad, you've grown," she said as she sized me up with her hand on my head. I laughed "Yeah, I hope so." My grandmother has a very noticable Irish accent. My parents also have a slight one as well, but nowhere near as pronounced as my grandmothers. After listening to them talk on and on about boring things, I wanted to go outside to witness all the sights first hand, but I couldn't stop thinking of my friends. Is there anyone here I can hang around with? And if there are, would I fit in? Too much is on my mind at the moment. "Oh, what's wrong Aiden?" my grandmother asked. "He probably misses his friends," my dad chimed. "Is that right, Aiden?" She asked. "Yeah, I guess," I muttered as I started to sit down on the couch. "Don't worry, you'll surely see them again," she said, "in the meantime, why don't you make some friends here? It might help you cope." "Really? There are other people my age right around here!?" I asked "Why, sure, young lad, there are some right up the street," she continued while walking to the phone "Here, I'll contact a child I know around here." "Great, that is some good news." "Aiden, I don't want you getting into any trouble around here, okay?" My mom said. "Mom, of course I'm not," I answered. "I'm just making sure, Aiden," she said, I don't want you to do anything reckless," I sat down and while I waited, I started to think on who she was going to introduce me to. I didn't know if it would be a girl, maybe a boy my age. And even on what that person would be like. Would they like me? After sitting here for some time I heard a knock on the door. I got up and took a peek around the corner to see a boy standing there talking to my grandmother. "I'm so glad you could come," she said as she hugged him, "my grandson is new to Ireland, I'm so very glad he has someone his age to get to know." "It's quite alright, Lady Phiala," The boy said, "your family is also my own." I then came out from the corner and smiled a bit, then waved. "Aiden, this is Carlow, he is sixteen years old too," she said, "you should love each others company, I needn't worry." "Okay, thanks grandma." "Aiden, I have to do something with your parents, so I'll leave you two alone," she said as she walked away. Just by looking at him, I could tell I would like Carlow. He has a serene look to him. He has topaz colored hair, he's about the same height as me, he's also a slender guy. He had deep hazel eyes. "Hello," He greeted. "Hey," I said back. "It's a very nice day today, Aiden, would you like to spend some time outside?" Carlow asked "Sure, let's go." "Lady Phiala told me you are from America," He continued "What's it like there?" "Well, it's not anywhere as nice looking as where you live, not a chance," I said, "atleast, not the state where I'm from." "Wow, really?" "Yup, Ireland is very beautiful." "By the way, why do you call my grandmother 'Lady'?" "I say it out of respect, Lady Phiala is a very nice person," He said as he began to sit down on the grass. "Yeah, she is," I said, "how do you know her anyway?" "My family and I are somewhat poor, she helps us out sometimes," he replied, "Even if we refuse, she helps us anyway." "Wow, I didn't know she did that." "Aiden, it's almost time for dinner!" My mom yelled "Okay, I'll be right there!" "Carlow, do you want to join us!?" She asked. He went trotting over to my mother and said, "Yes, if that's alright with you and your family." "Of course, it's alright lad," my grandmother chimed "Thank you, I appreciate your generosity Lady Phiala, and her family." My grandmother laughed, "He is always so modest, he's a sweet boy," she said. During dinner we were all sitting around a nice big round table. It was very nice, it looked as if it was crafted by hand very meticulously. My mother cooked traditional Irish food for the occassion. "Mom, what's for dinner?" "Some recipes grandma showed me," She said as she pointed to them, "We have Poundies, Bangers, and Soda Bread." "This looks really good, mom!" I said as I started eating. "Cathleen, how's life in California?" my grandmother asked. "It's going good, but it's glad to be back to visit you." "Grandmother, aren't you sick?" "Yes, in a way," she said as she stopped eating, "I'm not going to lie, the sickness I have is quite serious, but I should be fine." "Good, you better be." "Aiden, aren't you into writing stories now?" my grandmother asked "Yes, and now that you mention it, I need help in finding what I'm going to write about next, I want something scary." "Ooh, something scary, we have a few legends around here you can use," she said, "such as Gnomes, Banshees, things like that." "What exactly is a Banshee?" I asked. "It's a ghost that comes in the form of a woman," she said, "It usually serves as an omen for one who is about to die." "Ah, that sounds interesting, I may use it." "Well, thank you all for the lovely dinner," Carlow started as he put his plate away in the kitchen "I must really be getting home now though." "Okay, be safe on your way home, Carlow," my grandmother said. "I'll see you tomorrow, Aiden?" "Definitely, I can't wait," I replied with a smile. Chapter 3: New Friends As I woke up, I couldn't wait to see what the day would bring me. I already made a new friend who shows a lot of respect to pretty much everybody so far. I still do miss my friends back home, but as long as I have good friends here, I shouldn't get too lonely. It was about ten in the morning and I was starving. "Mmm, look at all of this food!" "Good morning, Aiden, I made this for you and your parents," Grandma said, "it's Colcannon, Boxty, and leftover Bangers." "Mother, you know you shouldn't be doing things like this, you're sick!" Mom scolded. "Ah, Cathy, don't get so upset dear, just eat," she said with a grin. "What smells so good?" Dad said as he came in. "My mother cooked everyone breakfast," Mom said. "Hmm, aren't you sick, Phiala?" Dad asked. "Oh, just eat," she commanded. It was the best breakfast ever; Colcannon looked like mashed potatoes with cabbage and onion; Boxty were pancakes made out of potatoes and sweet milk; Bangers were like sausages. It was very good. "Aiden, slow down, quit scarfing," Mom scolded. "Yeah, and quit chewing with your mouth open," Dad chimed. "Sorry, I'm just so hungry," "Well, at least we know the young lad eats," Grandma said. "I'm done, I'm going outside." "Okay, but come back home before dusk," Mom said. As I was walking outside I saw Carlow coming towards me. He looked like he was quite happy and not as nervous as he looked yesterday. "Hello, Aiden." "Hey, Carlow." "Aiden, do you want to meet some of the guys?" "Guys?" I pondered as I looked around. "Yeah, the other guys." "Okay, it definitely wouldn't hurt to have more friends," I said, "where are they anyway?" "They're on their way," he answered. In the distance I saw three people walking up to us. One of them waved and ran over to us. "Hey, Carlow, this the new kid?" one of the guys asked. "Yeah, his name is Aiden." "Hey, Aiden, I'm Liam Neil." Liam looked fairly lanky, but I could tell he was the athletic type. Even though he was wearing an off white t-shirt, I could easily see the muscle definition in his chest and arms. He had a pale complexion which was contrasted by his mud brown hair which would droop over his forehead and hang in the back to the nape of his neck. He also had deep green eyes which seemed as if they were finely polished jewels. He seemed to have this fire about him. "Name's Brogan Connely." Brogan was somewhat chubby, but you could tell he had some muscle weight on him. His hair was a short dirty blonde, close to a buzz cut, and he had hazel eyes. He was also a bit taller than me. "Hey, I'm Galvin Grady." Galvin seemed average in size, wasn't skinny and wasn't chubby. He had bright blonde wavy hair that traveled a bit down to the back of his head and fairly blue eyes. His face was lightly peppered with freckles. Seemed the typical pretty boy of the group. "Hello, everyone," I said. "Since you're staying here for a while, how 'bout we do an initiation?" Brogan said. "What? No, you can't do that," Carlow said. "he is Lady Phiala's-" "No one's exempt from the initiation, Carlow!" Brogan snapped. "Don't worry, Aiden, it's not that bad," Galvin said. "Okay, fine, what do I have to do?" "You have to wrestle one of us into submission," Brogan answered. "Uh, really?" I asked. "Yeah, I think it'll be Liam," Brogan said. Liam started walking towards me with a slight grin on his face. "Don't worry, it'll be over quickly," he said. "Okay, ready, go!" Brogan yelled. Liam wrapped his arm around my neck and got me into a headlock, he was really strong. "Go, Liam!" Galvin shouted. I managed to wiggle free and pushed him down. While he was laying on his stomache I grabbed his arms and put them behind his back. "Yeah, go, Aiden!" Carlow yelled. As if to put handcuffs on him, I held my knee there, He started wiggling though. He managed to knock me off onto my back. He moved into a position to hold me down. I then moved my hands to grab onto his shoulders, then I moved him over onto his back and held him there. "One-Two-Three, You beat Liam!" Brogan cheered. "Aah, I'm not good at wrestlin' anyway," Liam said. "You're pretty good Aiden, good job." "Thanks Liam, you are too." "I guess you're one of us now, Aiden," Brogan said. "hey, let's do one last thing." "What'd that be?" Liam asked with a stern look. "We're goin' to the nearby Formation," Brogan answered. "Are you mental, Brogan!?" Galvin exclaimed. "No, there's nothin' goin' on in that stupid old piece of crap," Brogan snapped. "everyone says it's haunted, let's check it out." "It's haunted!?" I shouted cheerfully. "Yeah, why do you look so happy, Aiden?" Carlow asked. "If I can go to a haunted place, maybe I can get ideas for my new story!" "Well, what about the myth of the Changeling?" Liam asked. "What are...Changelings?" I asked. "Changelings are the babies of Faeries," Galvin replied. "they steal human children, especially the blonde types, and replace them with their own baby, which is a Changeling." "I heard they can talk," Liam added. "Maybe, those are just myths though, stupid myths," Brogan said. We started walking over to this Formation. As we got closer, it seemed to get creepier as it gave off a weird vibe. The "Formation" looked like what it sounds like. It is a formation of trees, and other plants, forming a dome shape by intertwining with each other like vines with hardly an opening to be found. Luckily, we were all able to squeeze through. When we got inside it was very decrepit, dingy, and it smelled. I could tell there was something foreboding about the place. I could see why people stayed away from it. This small forest was so cluttered with trees, the light from the sun couldn't even get through. "Wow, look at that!" Galvin shouted as he pointed. In the middle was some kind of platform with what looked like a Well in the middle of it. It looked very old and so very inviting when you looked at it. You wanted to open it; anyone would if they looked at it. It just seemed so mysterious. "As long as this has been here," Liam said. "we've never wanted to come inside." "That's because our parents indoctrinated us, and forbid us from comin' here," Brogan said. "Yeah, they said that this place is cursed," Galvin said. "anyone who comes here will suffer..." "Well? Go on," I said. "suffer what?" "Hm, actually, they never really say," Galvin said as he scratched his head. "come to think of it." "Now that we don't listen to that trash anymore, let's open it," Brogan said. "No way, Brogan!" Liam yelled. "You must be some mentaller to want to open this thin'." "I agree with Liam," Carlow chimed "Even though what our parents told us sounds farfetched, I still somewhat believe it could be possible they were telling the truth." As Carlow was talking he walked over to one of the walls and put his hand on it to hold himself up. When he did that the well started making noises. "Shite, Carlow, what did you-" Brogan scolded. "I didn't do anything!" Carlow snapped back. "Yeah, you did, you did something!" Brogan argued. "Guys, shhh, It's opening," I said. The Well seemed to have some kind of stone slab on it, but it opened in kind of a star pattern. It seemed like it was, well, mechanical. After it opened we all peered inside to see if we could see anything. "Do ya see anything?" Galvin asked. "No, do you, Liam?" Brogan asked. "Hm, no, it's too dark." We all started looking down through the Well-like object. It seemed to go down forever, like some bottomless pit. As we were looking in, we heard a scream that pierced our ears, it nearly petrified us. "Shite, what the hell was that!? Brogan said startled. "It's coming from the Well!" Carlow said as he started to run. "Let's get the hell out of here!" Liam yelled. We ran out of the Formation as fast as we could. It was like we were being chased by a thousand demons. As we were running our way out of it we heard what sounded like maniacal laughing coming from it. We stopped running to catch our breath in the middle of the field. "What was that!?" Brogan asked while looking back at the Formation. "I don't think anyone here knows, Brogan!" Galvin said. "It was all Carlow's damn fault!" Brogan shouted. "Leave him alone, Brogan!" I demanded as I held him back "Carlow didn't do anything wrong!" "Fine, but none of us can tell anybody what happened!" Brogan commanded. "Fine, we won't tell anyone, right!?" I suggested while looking at everyone. "Yeah, we agree," Liam complied. "Well, I'm goin' home, I'll see you guys later," Brogan said. "Okay, we better go too," Liam said as Galvin waved to us and followed suit. After they left I decided to talk to Carlow one on one. I didn't like how Brogan appeared to treat others. And as far as I have seen, Carlow is a very nice person and shouldn't be yelled at like that. "Hey, Carlow," I said. "you know it wasn't your fault right?" "I don't know, Brogan could be right." "No, he's not," I said as I placed my hand on his back. "no one knew what happened or even how it happened. Not Brogan or anyone else. Besides, Brogan wanted to open it anyway, remember?" "Yeah, I guess you're right," he said laughing. "thanks, Aiden." "No problem, you want to come for dinner tonight?" "Sure, thanks, Aiden!" While we were walking back I could have sworn I saw something next to me other than Carlow. I thought it must have been my imagination though. "Aiden, I thought I told you not to be out until dusk!" Mom scolded. "I'm sorry Mom," I replied "I was hanging out with the others." "Oh, Carlow introduced you to his friends?" Grandma asked. "Yeah, I like them all, they're really nice." "Could Carlow stay for dinner and maybe the night?" "It's alright for dinner, but he'll have to call his family about staying for the night," Grandma said. "No, it's fine, she already said I could if you invited me to, since she knew your family was coming." "You sure?" she asked "Yeah, I'm sure, Lady Phiala." "You can just call me Phiala, Carlow, you don't have to be so modest." Well, I moved from California, leaving my friends behind. I saw the splendor that is Killarney, met Carlow, who is, by the way, an awesome person. I also met Brogan, Liam and Galvin. I have no idea what to expect next. I don't know what may come of us from opening that Well either. That laugh was very spooky, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe, hopefully, it will pass.
