This is the first chapter and a paragraph of chapter 2. What do you think about the novel? Is it decent? Does it hook you? Any advice and constructive criticism? I’m not a freak The walls are enclosing in around me, suffocating, almost crushing me as if they are plotting to annihilate me; there is no escape. I am impotent. I am confined. I am disconcerted. My body trembles, thoughts come in disjointed flurries, crystal tears form streaming down my face. I jerk, peering at the clock in horror, exposing my mind to deep thought. It reads, 01:11. I immediately sit straight up, heart palpitating. I have been shaken from my trance by the blare of the caterwauls and sobbing echoing from Jane in the room next door to mine. Enquiries flood through my mind, though there is nobody present to address them. Is Jane in immediate jeopardy? Would there be anyone accompanying her? Her bellows and cries for help perturb me as the time proceeds and thereof it is evident, that the intensity of her afflictions have exceeded beyond unbearable. Disgruntled nurses impatiently order Jane to become inarticulate or else there will be consequences; the nurse’s negligence and the impertinence towards my benevolent friend obliges me to intervene. As a result, nothing beneficial has come from the intervention; nor has it alleviated Jane’s anguish or taught the nurses moral integrity and etiquette. Hereinafter, I have discerned where the pair of us has been accommodated. Though it hasn’t entirely fulfilled my concerns, it appears to give me an indication on why I and Jane are here. The guard’s perplexing sentiment pounds through my ear drums: You are all confined in this institution – segregated from mainstream society - battling individual demons. Chapter 2 A beauteous lady - despite her turgid and swampy eyes - enters my room whilst introducing herself as Raiden Nicole. Her breath-taking appearance fascinates me as I unconsciously examine her body language. I register the awkwardness between us, instantly averting my gaze. Mortification permeates my emotions. disrupting the approbation of her irresistible pulchritude.
I've got some comments, and keep in mind I'm holding nothing back. To receive harsh constructive criticism sometimes means the fastest growth as a writer. For the beginning: You start off alright, deliberately unclear about what's going on because as we find out, your protagonist is in a mental hospital. This technique is called "unreliable narrator" and it's working so far. I like the part about "crystal tears" just because it sounds really artistic. Your language in that first paragraph is less alright though, quite clunky. The walls of even the most normal room "enclose" a person because that means it fully wraps around them. What you're looking for is "closing in around me." It's a fine visual on its own and is (what I imagine to be) a common symptom of claustrophobia or general anxiety, but it might be a little cliché to have that be your hook description. The part where you say "as if they are plotting to annihilate me" hits me as sort of unnecessary. For one, you could just say "as if plotting to annihilate me" as a less verbose phrase. It's generally good practice to cut out as many fluffy words as possible while keeping the meaning of the sentence. Related to that, the one starting with "My body trembles" is a run-on, but can be easily fixed with "and" right before "crystal tears." Adverbs-- use sparingly. Your use of "immediately" here is completely inappropriate. We can infer that it's right after waking up; you don't need to say so. And one other thing I noticed about this and the other paragraphs is that your language choice is often very strange. "Is Jane in immediate jeopardy?" rather than "Is Jane in trouble?" or even "Is Jane okay?" It's sort of stilted and makes me think you looked up uncommon synonyms to common words and used those instead. I'm sorry if I'm mistaken, but is English your first language? I posted an excerpt of my own work to a writing forum and someone asked me the same thing. I was sort of offended (it is my native language), but my sentences were weird. As they say, the best writing doesn't sound like writing. Chapter 1 is also quite short by novel standards. That would be one or two pages at most. And since the action in Ch. 2 is a direct extension of what happens in 1, I'd suggest combining it. Random note: "disrupting the approbation of her irresistible pulchritude." ...I sort of know what this means, but it's insanely elevated language that confuses more than it clarifies. It's alright if you mean to characterize your protagonist as someone who thinks and talks like this, but for a regular person, have you ever heard "pulchritude" in conversation? I think not. Don't lose heart because I can't give a glowing review. I do think your story is going somewhere and has valuable content to it. It's the presentation that needs cleaning up.
(Already reviewed this in my conversation with Danni) Don't mean to nag you, but you might want to avoid posting stories in public places from now on. If you're going to try and get your work published and you have your work online, publishers will often reject it, or print it but pay you less than normal, not to mention that people could easily steal your intellectual property. Seeing as this is only a draft of the first and part of the second chapters of what I assume is going to be a full-size book, it won't hurt much - just thought I'd warn you (also, nagging people about things like this is my favorite hobby, soooo....)
