Hey guys im writing a story and id like to know what you think.

Ok so this is the prologue of my main charector Lucian and him finding out something about himself (Its a fantasy novel)

Prologue
RUN! I am scared, I cant seem to get out of here, the walls are closing in on me. I feel the pressure build up around me one more second and ill explode. AHH! I wake up in a fury and bang my head on the cage bars. “Oww!” I sigh, where am I; then It all am comes back to me. The pale people, were they the cause of this or were they my saviors. I hear footsteps coming and when the door opens in walks one of the pale people. She is gorgeous, long dark wavy hair, eyes so blue when she looks at you its as if she is piercing into your soul, freckles just below her eyes that just feels right on her, and her lips were like the lips every women wanted but not even plastic surgery could amount to this perfection. She walks with full confidence as if she knows she Is this beautiful but when she smiles down at me its full of warmth. “Hi Lucian” she says “I..uh….hi” I stutter her voice is even better than her looks its as if music is playing as she talks. “I know you have many questions” she sings “Uh yeah, um where am I?” “Uria, home of the Elenwe or what humans call high elves.” She says “Like Lord of the rings elves.” “what !?!” she says with one of the weirdest looks on her face. I guess she never watched it. “What am I doing here?” “You are my son Lucian Kristova, Prince of Uria and I am Queen Zianah Kristova, We are Elenwe.” “What, how am I an “Elenwe” I don’t have pointed ears, I am human.” “ No your elenwe and a powerful one at that.” “ When all elenwe are born they are taken to the human world so they can grow up, if they start to change and realize there powers on their eighteenth birthday then they come back to our world.” “ So, how was the Orphanage?” The orphanage, oh how I hated that place with a passion, my miserable eighteen years of life there were horrible. The accident happened and then I was here, What happened…….


Ok well thats the beginning of Lucians journey and i have another chapter about what happened at the orphanage, but i want your feedback tell me if its good or horrible i want your honest opinion. Here is another part of the story, its The lead girl charector named Kelya and it introduces you to her.


Kelya
I wound up my hair tight getting ready for the day. Yeah I guess that seems easy since I am a dark elf, the lower class, In a land were high elves rule. My name is Kelya Zeserwick and I live in Tungolo its in the southern part of Somera, I love it here even though we are the working class of this society along with the Vampires, Werewolves, Faeries, Warlocks, and then there is the amazing Elenwe or High elves. We are half breeds warlocks and high elves ancestors decided to have sex and here we are the outcome of a practice that has been banned for thousands of years, since the war between the high elves and warlocks to gain control and ever since that day the high elves have ruled with an iron fist. “hey mom.” I say as I come out of the room. Oh breakfast smells great. Its my eighteenth birthday and I get the best breakfast eggs mixed with peppers and chicken and orange juice, I know pretty simple and mundane but I love it and we never get eggs anymore.’ Kelya you ready for the Tribunal?” The Tribunal, a hell hole where you get to stand in front of know it all high elves and you get told the job you will be doing for the rest of your life. You have no say in it at all and you get a horrible necklace that classifies you of your rank and lets everyone else know you’re a trashy dark elf, so forgive me if im not enthused. ‘Yeah mom.” I sigh, oh and it gets better I have to leave Tungolo and live in Uria, to do whatever job I am assigned. “Come get your breakfast hunny.” Mom says and its just me and my mom here in Tungolo, my dad and brother were killed for stealing bread from the uria market when my mother was pregnant with me. That thought almost ruined the taste of the omelet as it touched my tongue, but man my mom can cook. Her job before she had my brother was the personal chef to the Kristovas, the royal family of Somera. Everyone loved her food, she told me so many stories about her life there and how beautiful the castle was. She met my father there he was the castle blacksmith and when my mom was pregnant with Malachi like all other underworlders she was allowed to back to her hometown and have the baby and raise it but my dad had to stay in Uria. “Hun, you’re going to be late if you don’t leave soon.” And if you late to the tribunal you get one hundred lashes for every minute late you are. “Mom, I love you” I say suddenly scared knowing I wont see her for at least a year. “ I love you to hunny, you better write.” “Of course I will” I say and with that our barriers are broke down and we start crying and hugging for what feels like forever and its still not enough time and then my mom lets go and it feals like a part of me is being ripped away. After that I set of toward the town council where the tribunal is held.


If you guys actually read all that thank you for giving it the time to look over and please i would love to hearfeedback from people good or bad its all constructive:thewave:

 

Its really good but there was some grammar errors in it.and i got a bit confused at parts, but overall i liked it.:eusa_clap

 

Hey, promise I'll get back to you on that one. Got some other stuff to do though; I'm looking forward to reading it!

 

Look for BLUE text.

 

Um. Definitely not a fan of this one. I liked the guy's much better. There's very little original ideas in this, at least to me. There's not much I haven't seen already and there's no hook that draws me into this story. The grammar seems to have gotten progressively worst, and that is hard to hear but needs to be said. As an author, it is important to use good grammar. You can use fragments, comma splices and such but you should know the why and the how. Before pursuing a career in writing, it is imperative that you learn the essentials in grammar. Verbs, pronouns, quotations, comma's, spacing, and prose are some things to look into at maybe some college classes or local programs?