Paranormal State: Ryan Buell (bisexual, autobiography excerpt)

IanGallagher · May 8, 2011

Excerpt from his autobiography:

My relation with religion was difficult. It became more difficult when I discovered that I was bisexual, attracted to both sexes, something the Church still considers a mortal sin. I've been open about my sexual orientation in confession, and with my close friends, but it hasn't been general knowledge.

The feeling was probably always there, but for the longest time I didn't know what it was. I was attracted to females, but every so often I was attracted to males. Growing up I didn't think it was unusual. In South Carolina, I still felt like a kid at eleven or twelve. I was very innocent, and didn't even know what a bisexual or homosexual was. We never talked about it, and so I never knew I was "different" or in the minority.

That changed a bit when I was thirteen and lived with my dad for a year. In the small Pennsylvania town the kids threw around terms like "fag" or "homo" and it was clear that a fag was something you didn't want to be. I knew it was derogatory, but it didn't click with my own feelings.

When my grandfather, the one I looked up to, found out a cousin of mine was gay, he refused to let him into their house. I remember my dad saying, "No son of mine will ever be gay. He'd be out the door and I'd never talk to him again." He said it loudly and proudly to the rest of the family. I remember freezing, because in my teens I began to realize that my heart and hormones didn't really discriminate a gender when it came to attraction. It was only then that I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me.

I also asked myself what kind of world are we living in where your son could be a murderer, and that's more acceptable?

Even as I reached fourteen, I didn't label myself. I just went with the flow. If I liked someone I liked someone. It was only when I started seeing things on the news that I really started to understand the social implications. I saw my fellow Christians waving "God hates fags" banners around. Then I saw the grotesque photos of Matthew Shepard, a gay teen who was beaten up and left for dead tied to a fence. I didn't understand it, and I still don't.

I'm out to my parents now. Telling them was awkward, not so much because of my orientation, but more because I had to talk about my feelings at all. My social life, romances, were never something I discussed.

As I write this, my paternal grandfather still doesn't know. Part of me still wants his respect, perhaps in part because of the sense of isolation I felt after my childhood paranormal experiences. But so many people struggle against this kind of prejudice that I've decided life is too short to hide who I am for anybody.

I'm tired of turning on the news and seeing another teenager commit suicide because they were afraid of the social implications. I'm tired of seeing third-world, backward countries like Uganda impose death penalty laws for gay people. I'm tired of American politicians turning down gay rights but then getting caught at a gay bathhouse, unbeknownst to their wives and children. Most important, I'm tired of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals being told that they're going to hell and that God hates them for who they are.

So many gays, lesbians, and bisexual people turn away from their faith because they have been told by bigots that God has already turned his back on them. I received an e-mail from a young man who told me that he was gay, and wondered if he was going to hell. "Since you deal with spirits, have you ever come across evidence that suggests that they do go to hell or they are in torment?" This broke my heart. We humans can be so cruel to one another, but the teachings of Jesus Christ are that of love and compassion. i've decided to share my sexuality and struggle over faith in hopes that others will no longer feel as though they are alone or that they can't be religious.

I don't bring it up here as a political point, though. My bisexuality brings me back, in a roundabout way, to the demonic. I had a close friend and investigator I'd been open with. At first, he seemed accepting of me, but around the same time I was dealing with the aftermath of those cases in 2005, he started telling me that I was committing a moral sin and that because of it I was detrimental to my clients.

It's my understanding that he also began warning several priests I'd looked up to about me. Apparently he told them not only about my orientation, but also that I was too accepting of other people's beliefs in things like paganism, and that I was open to psychics. Whatever the case, several priests suddenly shut their doors and stopped talking to me. When I asked them about it, I was essentially told that although I was trying to help these families, I was really the problem. I was going to hell. I was doing the devil's work just by being who I was and I was in denial about it. One of these priests even suggested I go to a sort of straight boot camp to be purged of my sickness.

At best, these priests felt I was flawed and that I had an illness that would allow the devil to attack me. Since I was refusing to accept that I was damned, since I wasn't treating bisexuality as a spiritual disease, I was, in the eyes of God, perverting and desecrating his work. They didn't seem able to tolerate any viewpoint other than their own and spent a long time trying to make me feel very guilty.

That sense of betrayal lived in the back of my mind for a very long time. It was a big part of the fallout from those demonic cases, which brought me to the dark crossroads in my life that eventually put me on a path toward Paranormal State.

Consciously, I never felt that I was serving the devil. I did worry that the drumbeat of guilt could be used against me, though. After hearing it so often, it was as if a lying voice in the back of my head said, "How can you expect God to answer your prayers for these people when you're a sinner?"

Though I knew what I believed in my heart, it took a very long time for me to fully accept they were wrong. There was even a moment when it finally dawned on me, but that wouldn't happen until we were in the middle of shooting season 1.5.

I'd invited Father James LeBar, an exorcism consultant on several films, including Constantine, to appear at UNIV-CON. After agreeing, he suddenly backed out. Surprised, I asked Lorraine Warren, who knew him, to ask what happened.

Apparently Father LeBar told her he'd been approached with disturbing information about my sexual practices and my acceptance of Paganism. When Lorraine heard that these stories had come from my former friend, she contacted him. It seemed that during that conversation, he not only revealed every confidence I'd shared with him as a friend, but also told her a series of sexually graphic lies.

I remember Lorraine calling and saying, "He told me the most horrible things about you. Are they true?"

I was shaken. I hadn't told her about my sexual orientation because I'd thought of her as an old-fashioned Catholic. She'd been married to one man for fifty years, and worked very closely with the Church. Plus, she was an icon to me and had she judged me that probably would have been it for me. I felt at that moment that I was about to lose her in my life. But I knew I couldn't lie to her.

"Lorraine, yes, I'm bisexual," I confessed. "If I was ever asked by a priest, I told them. I know you may think it's a sin, but I can't change who I am. I didn't ask to be this way..."

"Honey," she'd interrupted, "I don't care that you're bisexual. Tony (her son-in-law) doesn't care. It doesn't make you any less of a person in the eyes of God or in my eyes. I love and respect you just the same."

My eyes watered as I heard her say this. It wasn't what I was expecting to hear, least of all from someone very steep in her Catholic faith.

"I can't believe this man is going around saying these things about you," she shouted, "and to priests? That is not his place. That is between you, the father, and in confession. How dare he, as a Christian?"

At that moment, Lorraine made me realize there was no need to feel guilty about who I am. In a way, it was instant closure to a part of my life. So, I spoke with Father LeBar myself. Apparently, my sexuality hadn't been an issue for him, or my working with Pagans. It seemed the people who spoke to him about me made it sound more like I worked with devil worshippers. He told me, though, that he'd once shared a stage with Anton LaVey, the Satanist, to debate him.

I remember him saying, "Not everyone's Catholic. How are you supposed to teach others unless you work with them? You know what, I'll come to your conference. To hell with what they think!"

He did appear at UNIV-CON. Sadly, he passed away in 2008.

In the end, I learned what I should have realized all along: I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. The people who mattered most, like Lorraine, stood up for me.

So, yes, I've had a complex relationship with religion, but a funny thing happened along the way. Instead of becoming anti-religious, I found my faith. I stayed with the Church. Yes there are prejudices within it, but if I leave, what good am I doing? I don't need to leave my faith. The prejudice needs to leave my faith.

I'm not saying it's perfect. I continue to go through cycles of doubt and frustration, but I'm going to continue to do what I do, and if I influence anybody spiritually, I'll say I'm Catholic.

After Elton interview with Ryan Buell
Click to expand...

Just thought I'd post this because a lot of it hit home for me and, similarly, I just like reading about other's experiences and especially those from more public figures.

Chip · May 8, 2011

That's really remarkable. I remember seeing Paranormal U or whatever the show was called. I thought the way it was put together was really hokey, but I can dismiss that as the way the dumbass reality TV producers put it together to create drama.

It did seem like Ryan Buell was a little full of himself and overly pretentious with his approach, but reading the above makes him seem a lot more humble. Not to mention, I think it's likely he was probably dealing with a lot of uncomfortable feelings at the time the early seasons were being filmed.

His bio might be an interesting book to read.

James · May 11, 2011

Thank you for sharing this excerpt. I have always liked Ryan and his show, Paranormal State. If his autobiography is available online through Amazon I may have to pick up a copy.

lostinthought9 · May 11, 2011

Yes, thank you for sharing this with us. I watched quite a few episodes of Paranormal State, although, I'll admit I mostly watched it because Ryan was nice to look at.

Anyways, I liked the little excerpt, as well as his honesty and his writing style. I'm going to have to look into buying his bio this summer.

peytonia13 · Jan 18, 2012

Ryan from the moment i watched your show i fell in love. You inspire me not to be afraid of what people think and just to be myself. My older brother is gay and when he was younger he was very secretive of his sexuality. He never was able to be honest with himself and others until his senior year of high school. I remember hearing my mom say "thank god i have at least one straight child". When she said that my heart sank because i never thought that i was ever going to be able to be open with my only parent. After about a year i became annoyed with hearing some of my supposed friends talk down on those who were gay or bisexual, finally i came out. Some of my friends disappeared and some stood beside me. The hardest task i faced was telling my mother. I sat her down and cut right to the chase. "mom, im bisexual." all she said was "im going to pretend i didnt hear that". that answer was not acceptable. I continued to tell her about how i felt and she slowly began to understand. Now my mother and i are very close and open with one another. Thank you Ryan for taking a stand and never giving up on what you believe.

Doctor Faustus · Jan 18, 2012

Many thanks for sharing!

I'm glad Ryan seems content with his faith and the way things are, for now. I wish him well.

Bruja · Sep 7, 2013

Hi Ryan..... Im a mother of 4 guys, one of them is gay and we love him and respect him.I teach my kids to respect every aspects of life and now they are like a pineapple.
I like u more because the paranormal activity than your private life. I been a medium psychic since 8 and I found your program so interesting.
I measure people because his/hers actions no what they doing in their private life.
You need to be strong and healthy, this is the most important.

Chip · Sep 7, 2013

Just to be clear... this is a thread from 2011, originally posted by someone who read an excerpt of Ryan Buell's biography. Ryan is not a participant in this thread, or a member of EC (as far as I know.)

Paranormal State: Ryan Buell (bisexual, autobiography excerpt)

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Paranormal State: Ryan Buell (bisexual, autobiography excerpt)

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