I wrote this as a song but because I am tone deaf so I cannot sing. How does it sound as a poem? (I cut some of the lyrics out) I don't want to be too obvious But there is somthing I want the world to know There's something a little different about me That I don't want to show People notice and I deny, Even though it's bad to lie Were just like normal people Were not jealous nor are we mean All I see is rainbows But where's my pot of gold? It's sitting on the same side as I Should I inch out of this closet Risk getting torn apart? Or let myself stay inside And rot away? I feel confused And don't know what to do If it makes you mad, I'm sorry this is me Should I be embarresed About what's inside or should I let it free? The same sex is who I fancy We each make choices This is not one I really am alike I don't want to be to obvious But there is something I want to world to know There's something a little different about me That I don't want to show
Anyone? Have any advice? I know I'm not a good writer. I like poetry though, and if people seem to like this one I may try to write more.
My favourite bit is "All I see is rainbows/But where's my pot of gold?/It's sitting on the same side as I" I think it's really good. I am having the slightest trouble finding a general repetitive pattern in the poem but I thinks that's because you took some bits out. Good job!
Yeah, is doesn't really have a rhythem. When I wrote it as a song I could kind of choose the beat. I'm ot sure it really works as a poem, but thank you. I do enjoy writing.
I like the imagery it creates and I think it does a really good job of releasing what's in your heart. I'll agree on the rhythm. Like Calico mentioned, that could have to do with portions that you removed. There's also a form of poetry called free-verse that doesn't conform to the normal rhyme and rhythm of other poetry, and I think that this could fall pretty effectively into that category. Remember the most important aspect of a poem, at least in my opinion, is that it evokes emotion in both the writer and the reader. If you've succeeded in that, then I think you're entitled to think of it as a success, and I could definitely feel things when I read this. That being said, if you have the time and you're interested, I recently posted an original poem on the site too. I probably should have posted to the entertainment category, but I posted it under chit chat on the thread: Something I found because I wrote it a couple of years ago, and came across it while looking at some of the documents on my computer. As a fellow poet, I'd really appreciate your thoughts and input. Whether you take a look or not, I really enjoyed reading this and think you should keep writing
i think it needs a bit more rhythm and structure. It reads a little awkwardly, like it was thrown together in a hurry. For example, try counting the syllables of every line of this poem by stephen donaldson i'm about to paste. When there is a discernable pattern, the poem reads more like a song in your brain than without. My heart has rooms that sigh with dust (8) And ashes in the hearth. (6) They must be cleaned and blown away (8) By daylight's breath. (4) But I cannot essay the task, (8) For even dust to me is dear; (8) For dust and ashes still recall, (8) My love was here (4) "I know not how to say Farewell, (8) When Farewell is the word (6) That stays alone for me to say (8) Or will be heard. (4) But I cannot speak out that word (8) Or ever let my loved one go (8) How can I bear it that these rooms (8) Are empty so? (4) "I sit among the dust and hope (8) That dust will cover me. (6) I stir the ashes in the hearth, (8) Though cold they be. (4) I cannot bear to close the door, (8) To seal my loneliness away (8) While dust and ashes yet remain (8) Of my love's day. (4) [edit] sorry, i didn't read other replies before i made this so i didn't know it was going to be repeating others =) Still, it's a lovely poem, isn't it??
I agree with what everyone had said. It needs a bit more structure instead of a boken rant. I wish I could sing, but I am tone deaf so whenever I do, everybody tells me to stop and they get very annoyed. Maybe I should try writing a poem with more rhythem. When I finish it I will post it on the forum. Should I completely start over, or should I use some of those ideas/words?
Very good question, Mej7. When I was 13 I wrote this poem as a song. (the post has several lyrics taken out) I love singing and recorded myself singing it and found pictures of me as a kid and strung them together into a video. All with the intent of showing the video to my family when I was 17 years of age. This is how I would come out to them. I even tried to sound it out by ear on the piano so I could have an accompianment for just my voice in the video. That was about 7 monthes ago. Now when I look at the video I cry. One becuase I am tone deaf and even though I cannot tell it is bad, I know it is, and because it reminds me of my feelings toward the whole matter. Now as I think more, I have pretty much accepted that I am lesbian, and I really want to tell someone. There is no way I will wait until I'm 17. (I say that now, but I bet that I will. I don't have a plan, and bassically I am trapped. I want my friends to know, I want my family to know. However, even though I want them to know, I have nobody to tell. I don't really have friends, just good aquaintences. I can never be myself. It bugs me, but I don't know how to overcome it. Basically even though it seems like forever until I am 17, and I really want to tell someone soon, it very well could be that I wait until I am 17 or possibly older before I tell anyone.) So answering your question, yes this song was written to come out to someone, but no this song will never be used to come out to someone.
