Come one, come all, for all of those who have heard my rants about my [best] friend Alex, there is some good(?) news lying within this here post. So the other day, Sunday I believe it was, I texted Alex. I had just got back from vacation and was having a slight meltdown about stuff. Mostly it was just how I feel so distant from all my school friends anymore and that we aren't really 'friends.' I decided I was going to text Alex then and there. It was 10:30 at night, a time when he's not normally awake. I said: What ever happened to you? I didn't expect a reply at all. Pretty soon though, he responded... A: What? Me: For months now you've been seemingly nonexistent A: Because I haven't texted back? (This is part of my reasoning, but he's too dense to realize there's more.) Me: and cause you just haven't talked to me hardly at all. Even in school A: I don't really see you much Me: In school I saw you like every day A: You didn't really make an effort to talk to me either (Right here, I wanted to slap him. Just drive to his house and slap the shit out of him. He knows how I am...he shouldn't have tried to turn it on me.) Me: And when I did try, you would hardly talk to me A: Sorry I was done there. There was an exchange of yeah's and ok's and me lying that I had stuff to do in the morning and was going to sleep. I don't know how to get how pissed I am though to him! It frustrates me to no end. Everyone I know has readily recognized that he has changed drastically since he got his girlfriend. Even the people he originally ditched me for have had a good laugh in band about it. Alex isn't well liked anymore. Just how do I get it through to him? I'm tired of trying to be his friend. If he doesn't want me to be there, I'm done. Flat out, done. I'm tired of being the loyal friend who sticks around through the thick and thin because where does that get me? Nowhere.
Do you like him as a friend or something more than that? How has he changed since getting his girlfriend? It sounds like you need to make new friends.
No offense, but your friend doesn't deserve to be slapped. He deserves a good punch in the face. Your gonna meet a lot of people in your life. Some will be the vain of your existence, while others will make you glad you met them I'm sure you have other friends who are rather disconnected right now? Try and see if you can click with them. To see if the fire of friendship sparks back to life. As for your friend Alex. I've had friends like him before. They usually end up appearing again when they need something. I say .l. ^_^ .l. for being an ungrateful friend. What kind of person just ditches his friends like that..?!
Just a friend. I've crushed on some of my guy friends but never him. He's become more distant from the rest of us. Like at our school upperclassmen don't generally associate with freshmen. They're so immature and annoying. Alex used to be this way but he got a girlfriend and BAM. Every single one of his friends now is a Freshman (sophomore now). He doesn't even hardly talk to any of us in his own grade. When we would go to bowling practice in the winter he would just talk about how he couldn't wait to get out so he could go and see his girlfriend. He's just so clingy to her and its annoying. No one likes them together, to be honest. I have new friends, I've been making friends with the newbies at work and although one of them is 14 they're really cool people that genuinely fun (I think one of them is gay too). I have friends at school too. It's just him that's pissing me off. Thanks, Aster, I felt he may need a little less than a punch so I decided on a slap. I have other friends that I'm disconnected from right now but the things is, those that are a popular and do stuff all summer and don't have time for me. I work, they don't. Simple as that. There's also the fact that they live in town and I don't. That's another thing about Alex that pisses me off. He has made like no effort to hang out with me. When we have it's been my idea. He'll even be able to drive soon too. Won't happen.
It's good you're working now. It might seem boring when your friends are doing, but it will pay off when you have more responsibilities in college and later in life. You must be close to him if you posted on a forum about this. Maybe you're also a little jealous of the attention he pays to his girlfriend. It's kind of harsh to say "no one likes them together" just because they don't talk to you; people change often, for better or worse. However, the real problem is that you're letting this one friendship cloud your evaluation of other friendships that are still going well. Save your energy for those who are willing to reciprocate.
I've been working at the same job since I was 14, so working isn't really something new, nor is making new friends there. And we used to be close but as you can quite obviously guess, we've grown apart greatly. And the sad thing is that no one does, when i bring them up it's just a face of disgust. They're awkward and weird together, hell he even wanted to fuck on our band trip...that's fucked up.
Hm. You may not like this answer, but here it is anyway. Your friend has a girlfriend now and you and your friends are not as important as she is right now. You may not like it, but its actually pretty normal. He has only so much time and attention and at this particular point his girlfriend is going to dominate what he has, if for no other reason than she may be having sex with him (implied, but not clear from your post). If he has feelings for her (and vice-versa), even more so. He may even be thinking that he is spending the same amount of time with you as he did before, or at least be meaning to, but then will end up spending more time with her 'just this once'. Over and over. If/when you (or your friends) get a girlfriend/boyfriend it's quite possible you will act the same way, at least at first. Your options at this point are to either be patient and wait for the novelty to wear off (or for them to break up), talk to him and explain that he is hurting your feelings (expecting him to read between the lines or read your mind is unreasonable and a waste of time), or end the friendship. To be honest a lot of what you're saying makes it sound like you are jealous of the time and attention that he is devoting to his girlfriend that you think he should be devoting to you and/or your circle of friends. As his girlfriend, she is going to be more important to him then you and your friends are. That's just the way the world works really, and as you get older you can expect to encounter this more and more, both from your other friends as they meet people and from you when you meet someone. Todd
I haven't been that important to him even before he got his girlfriend. I understand she's more important than everyone else in theory, but I'm sorry, it's a douche move to ditch your friends completely for a girl. A completely immature one at that. If I liked a guy or a girl or had a bf/gf, I wouldn't ditch my friends just because of something involving said person. For example: my friend Mady likes this guy Sean. On Wednesday nights, Sean works with our mutual friend Alex (not this Alex, a much cooler[?] Alex) and next to this girl Thalya. When Mady gets done with work she goes to visit Alex and Sean. However Thalya gives her dirty looks. Mady still goes over. I would do what Mady does. It makes the most sense. Don't ditch your friends because of feelings. I'm honestly not jealous of the time he spends with her. At this point, I could care less whether or not he's with her. I simply don't care about him anymore. He just pisses me off. I hoped he would realize after months of him losing friends because of her, he'd realize how he was shitting his life up. I honestly fear that by the time we get to Senior year, he will be friends with no one in our grade, something that could be potentially detrimental to him.
Excuse me, but I have many friends that I sometimes don´t see for months, and don´t text or what and if we meet up, it´s like we had spoken yesterday. That is what real friendship is about. You don´t need to be in touch constantly. As long as you know you can count on them. Can you? If you´d be in trouble, would he help? And the other way round? Because that defines friendship. Not how often you are in touch. It feels a bit like you want his attention and feels hurts because you don´t get it when you want it. I won´t call that jealousy. It´s just a need. But you have to understand it´s YOUR need. If he ends up with no friends, what´s that to you? Who cares? It´s his life.
You don't sound jealous to me... I just think it's the girlfriend, and that yeah, he probably isn't even aware that he has pretty much ditched all of his friends for her. He will when they break up, that's all. And there's not much you can do.
Boyfriend, that's not me...at all. Whatsoever. First of all, Alex doesn't know the definition of 'true friendship.' In the past couple of months, I've needed a friend at certain points and whenever I needed him he was never there. When he showed up one day during production of our school's Literary Magazine, I was very busy. I had to finish typing up a long submission and then write down the order of submissions. He just goofed around and threw stuff at me and purposely annoyed me. If he was 'in trouble' sure I would help because I'm a nice person. Who knows if he would? Secondly, I don't NEED his attention. I could care less by this point. He simply doesn't seem to care about me anymore and I want him to realize that I'm done. If he wants to still be friends then he needs to do something about it. And Quaiv, while I agree with you, his ditching friends transcends last year. It started in 8th grade. He was inviting people to his beach house over the summer. Didn't even consider me. When he was having his birthday party, he told me I could come if someone couldn't make it. That's a douche move to someone who's supposedly your best friend. He was then douchey in our freshmen year got even douchier last year when he got his girlfriend. All of the people who used to be his friends now dislike him because of his girlfriend. They're too clingy and gross together and I know that if they break up he's going to try and come crawling back to everyone but find no one.
I already do, which pisses him off. Even though he does it to me. I want it to get through his thick skull that he's screwed over the best friendship he could've possibly asked for.
Hm. I'm sorry, but if you truly did not care, you would not be expending all this time and energy being angry with him or making mental notes about all the ways he bugs you or thinking about how sorry he'll be if/when he breaks up with his girlfriend, or whatever. Because if you truly did not care, then none of this would matter to you and the fact that you are able to list out all the ways he's hurt you shows that you care rather a lot. You can keep being angry and in denial about this (hmm, I'm being reminded about the stages of loss that get mentioned on EC so often) or you can accept what you're actually feeling and then move forward with figuring out what you're going to do about it. Todd
Okay, you don´t need his attention but you do want him to know that you are done. That is wanting his attention at least for that. "If he still wants to be friends..." Friendship is UNCONDITIONAL. You sound pretty demanding. Deep down, you just want him to know that you feel hurt. Well, tell him. And not through texting, but face to face. Or really let go, if you are so "done with him".
Friendship should be unconditional, being there for each other when you need them, and I understand that. Most of my friends I could go to for anything and they'd help me out. But not him. And yes, I want him to know I'm hurt. I already tried and he didn't get it. I won't see him face to face for another two weeks and then for only an hour a day on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for two weeks where we'll be playing our instruments. So no talking time. 90% of the summer he spends at his beach house in New Jersey so he's never in town. Todd, yes I still care, quite obviously. That's just who I am, I care about even the people I can't stand. I'm even nice to the people I can't stand. And all of this. It's not mental notes. They're memories and my memories are hard to get rid of. I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do about him. I have plenty of great friends at school and at work but still I can't forget about Alex.
Ok, so we've established that you care and that Alex has hurt your feelings with his behavior. The next step is to look at what you want to do about the situation. If he's such a crappy friend (and you've indicated he's a jerk who's been a jerk for years now), then why not just send a text or email ending the friendship, take him off your phone and whatever social media your on and be done with it? Or is it that what you really want is to save this friendship? Or maybe get him to admit he actually cares about your friendship, so you can then be in the position to either save the friendship or end it, but either way you are in a position of being in control of things and he's not, and has admitted vulnerability by admitting he cares? Note, I'm not faulting you if it's the latter, and if its something else entirely, please tell us what it is. But please be honest. Ans give some thought to what about him you like and that has made him your best friend. Btw does he consider you his best friend as well or is this a more one sided thing? At some points it almost sounded like your friendship was more of a wishful thinking sort of thing... Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Todd
It's definitely more the latter. I'm a major thinker in, "Save what's worked." Our friendship used to be great. I do just want him to admit that he cares about our friendship. For example, back in February it was announced that our Band was going on a three day long trip to Williamsburg, VA, so I obviousy needed a roomate. I texted Alex and he agreed to room with me. Fast forward to the last week of April and we get to our hotel. It turns out Alex wanted to sleep in the same bed with our friend Benji while I was forced to sleep in the same bed with a guy I didn't even know. It's trivial but it pissed me off and made me realize things weren't getting fixed. That aside, you wantbthe jist of how we became friends? We met in 5th grade band, we both played the same instrument. Then in 6th grade we had band together. 7th we were better friends and worked on the school paper together. 8th grade we continued to work on the paper together and had the majority of our classes together. He was funny and nice. He was the second person I came out to. We were such great friends. He does refer to me as his best friend sometimes, and I refer to him as mine. However he also calls other people that. I don't care. When I call someone else my bestfriend though...he acts all sad and shit...yeah... I guess at this point it is somewhat wishful thinking. We're nominally 'best friends' but just nominally. We haven't hung out in forever, the last time I can remember being when our sisters were studying for finals...a year and a few months ago. It's just kind of sad.
