1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Pride & Prejudice; Sexuality & Shame...Family to Blame...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rakkaus, Jul 5, 2013.

  1. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2012
    Messages:
    878
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Alright so I was already in a depressed state last month, I haven't been able to bring myself to regularly post and talk to people on here in weeks (sorry).

    But anyway, on June 30, I went to Pride in NYC. It's taken over a year since coming out to myself to even start to accept the sexuality issue, but it was so wonderful for that brief shining moment to be all around people for whom being LGBTQ was not a matter of shame or even of neutral acceptance, but of actual pride. Just walking around the city with my rainbow dog tag around my neck, I felt a sense of camaraderie every time I made eye contact with someone else wearing rainbows or otherwise just seemed gay.

    It just so happens that my parents were having a graduation party for my sister on the same day, with all of their friends and her friends there. I'm not sure exactly what they told them, but apparently at least some people there knew I had to gone to the city and seemed to figure it out, as I found out when I showed up toward the end of graduation party. I tried to remove all rainbow gear before showing up there, but I realized later that I still had my rainbow belt on. Anyway I wasn't really prepared to like suddenly come out as gay not just to my parents and all of their friends, but after the parade I was feeling proud and I thought why should I feel ashamed.

    However my mother clearly felt differently, and apparently the thought of people thinking she has a gay son was a source of great bother and embarrassment.

    So the next day I'm in my room and I hear my stepfather come up to their bedroom where my mother was, and he calls in my sister. I hear the three of them talking for like 10 minutes, I hear my sister say the words "skinny" and "disgusting", which got me suspicious that they must be talking about me. So I walk out to go to the bathroom and find out what they are all talking about, and sure enough as it turns out they had spotted me in a group shot photo taken for the local paper about our group at NYC Pride.

    My initial reaction was that it was cool that I had made it into the paper, but my emotions changed quickly to embarrassment, clearly it was not a matter of pride to them. Instead of calling me in to tell me how exciting it is, which is what I would have thought to do as a good parent, the three of them get together to gossip about how embarrassing it is. Anyway when I went in the room, my stepfather told me "you've made the paper, now your father and everyone's going to know where you were" with a sly smirk, my sister appeared to be amused, while my mother just gave me a death glare and said nothing to me.

    And my mother and I haven't really been on good terms since. We've had a few tense conversations, she's been making more and more spontaneous comments about how I need to move out of her house, always accompanied by some mocking remark about how once I move out and get away from her then I can march in as many parades as I want.

    It's my mother who has always been the biggest source of shame and embarrassment about my sexuality. I just feel really disappointed and betrayed by her. All that watching "Glee" and "Will and Grace" and "Queer Eye" didn't mean shit; apparently to her gays are just clowns for entertainment, not real human beings.

    When I first came out to her over a year ago (as bi then), I was really disappointed in the reaction. I thought she would be at least somewhat supportive and say "i'll love you no matter what" and all that, but instead she took it as some kind of joke, asked me "how do you know?" and that was it, had this smirk on her face that made me feel really degraded. I cried once she left (I was at my college dorm then).

    But nothing has changed. We've never openly talked about sexuality or anything since then. (She's very immature and insecure so we never had any "sex talk" or anything my whole life other than last year when I came out). However she routinely finds ways to make insulting jabs and make me feel disgusted and embarrassed at myself.

    She'll routinely make comments about the way I dress if she thinks it is not "masculine" enough. If I wear a scarf or carry a bag, she'll make a face at me. A few weeks ago I was wearing pink Converse and she made mocking comment about how no employer is ever going to want to hire a boy who wears pink shoes.

    We were at Macy's a couple of weeks and I was looking at this white belt that was on sale. I asked her how it looked on me, not even thinking about the idea that it could be somehow be interpreted as "gay", and she makes this smirk face looking at me like I'm crazy and looks at other people around us and is like "take that off, you're not getting a white belt", I was taken aback by her reaction, I asked her why several times, and she kept repeating the same line. Finally I figured out what her issue was: that apparently a guy wearing a white belt makes him look 'gay'. Well besides the inherent stupidity of assigning gender and sexuality to articles of clothing, so what if it makes me look gay, I AM gay. :bang:

    And my stepfather has made comments in the past about not wanting to go to a party because he knew a gay couple was going to be there, I'm sure he's elated at the idea of living with a faggot.

    In a few days they're going away to the Jersey Shore as a family vacation like they do every year. Actually we all used to go every year, but now they've all made it clear they don't want me coming, and every little thing I do or say turns into a blackmail about how I'm not coming to ruin their vacation. I was looking forward to getting out of this house and getting some air to try to get over my depression, but fine, whatever, I'll just rot in this house by myself for a week. I already feel so down and lousy, but every interaction with them just makes me feel worse about myself anyway.

    About an hour ago my brat sister (17) called me a quote "anorexic fairy". I told her to "shut up" and of course my mother tells me "don't talk to your sister that way". I'm apparently supposed to just routinely shrug off and ignore hurtful comments, but anything I say in response is proof of what a horrible son I am. I was born male, apparently that means I have to 'man up' and be tough and not have any feelings or emotions in their view. Never mind that I went to my room and cried after that last exchange, as I do pretty much every exchange with them, and cry myself to sleep every night. :cry:

    Anyway, sorry for the long novel-length rant (with a title to match at least!), all of these issues are compounded by the fact that my LGBT center is closed this week for some reason, usually I go to therapy twice a week and 3 groups to at least get me out of the house and talk to nice, accepting people about what is going on, but this week trapped in the house with all this going on since Pride has just been brutal. Alcohol and drugs make things worse, but are my only friends right now.

    Basically the sum of this whole rant is that I already hated my life when I was closeted, and now that my sexuality has become an issue, I hate it even more. I thought I couldn't get anymore depressed with all the anxiety and lack of motivation in my life, but all the smirks and snide remarks and homophobic comments from my mother and sister have really struck at the root of my psyche, I've never felt so disgusted and inferior and dehumanized. And right now I don't have anyone else to talk to about all this...:help:
     
  2. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2012
    Messages:
    878
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    And now my stepfather gets home and joins in, I'm really exhausted from screaming with them now, I'm so sick of them treating me like I have no feelings. Why the hell do they have to act like this...
     
  3. Linthras

    Linthras Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2012
    Messages:
    2,140
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Leeuwarden (FR), the Netherlands
    Bear with me as I've trouble finding the right words/way to express myself.
    I'm very sorry to hear that you're having to go through all this. From what I've seen/read from you on this site you seem to be intelligent and good person. If you feel there's any way I can help, feel free to PM me.
    Either way, you're not alone, you're not worthless, you're wonderful and unique. I and I'm sure other members of EC are here for you. (*hug*)
     
  4. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2012
    Messages:
    878
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Thanks so much! I really appreciate the words of support. Sometimes I wished all of us on here lived together in one big house.... (*hug*)


    I realize that the OP was far too long to expect people to read it, however I felt it necessary to vent, so it wasn't a complete waste.

    I've been planning to post something like this since the night of Pride when my parents started acting weird, and it's only gotten worse.


    But today, having my 17-year-old sister call me an "anorexic fairy" really pushed me over the edge.

    Even worse than that was the way my mother apparently thought it was perfectly okay and I shouldn't mind or feel hurt at all by that remark- she only interjected to tell me "don't talk to your sister that way" when I told my sister to shut up with those comments.

    And my mother just badgered me all day to go fix my sister's laptop which she broke, so I did even though I said I didn't want to see her. And they were all apparently completely oblivious as to why I was sore at my sister and didn't want to talk to her.

    Am I making too much of all this being called a damn "anorexic fairy" by my sister? I've never heard her use the word "fairy" in that way until today. To me hearing my own sister make these kinds of derogatory comments about my sexuality and weight is a big freaking deal, am I wrong? :confused:
     
  5. Amerigo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2013
    Messages:
    860
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    between land and sea
    your mother sounds like my mother, the whole looking around the store over the belt is something she'd do - as if to say, "look at this boy, this boy is my son, what have i done to have him turn out this way, i certainly didn't ask for this"...i know it's hard to want to stand up for yourself, especially when it seems like (and it's quite apparent) that those around you, those you most care about, those who's judgement is what matters the most, are not standing by you. as if it's not hard enough being lgbt in today's world, some cannot even rely on family (as is the case for me also). i hope at least, as is often advised - you "find others", that is to say, if you're family aren't treating you like a son, a brother, then surround yourself with those that do respect you. alienating yourself (something i'm wonderful at) is not a good idea. but stay strong, is all i can say. apparently it get's better, take comfort in that.
     
  6. SimpleMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indianapolis
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First of all, you are just as deserving of love and acceptance as anyone else in this world. The way your family is treating you is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

    It sounds like you home environment is toxic to your emotional well-being. What does your support network look like? Is there a friend you could stay with who can help you through this tough time? I don't know your financial situation, but getting yourself into a affirming environment as soon as possible is important. My thoughts are with you! (*hug*)
     
    #6 SimpleMan, Jul 5, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2013
  7. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2012
    Messages:
    878
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Yeah it just sucks that is such a stigma out there still, that a mother would treat her son as some of embarrassment for being gay. Sorry to hear you facing a similar situation, it sucks, we all need to be our own big queer family. (*hug*)

    The belt thing really annoyed me, because I would like to think that even if I were straight I would have the fashion sense and courage to dress however I thought looked good, regardless of whether it was "manly" enough. She also fights me over wearing clothes that she thinks are too tight or too bright in color.

    But considering I AM gay, the fact she is afraid I might look gay is just really warped and pathetic in my view.

    And I was just finally getting accustomed to accepting my sexuality; with my social anxiety and everything, it was hard enough for me to overcome my internal obstacles to get involved with the LGBT center, go to pride parades (2 last month), even go on dates with a bunch of guys I met online. But I have to be ashamed and hide all of that.

    I really don't know what my mother wants or expects from me. She asked me "how did I know" when I first came out as bi, since then she's repeatedly made statements about how I'm "confused about my sexuality and identity" and other BS.

    She acts as if I just randomly thought up the idea that I was gay/bi last year, rather than that this was a secret carried up deeply inside me since I was like 12 years old. Instead of asking herself why I never felt comfortable coming out during all that time, she pretends that I was just some normal straight masculine male until last year (she sometimes blames it up on a study abroad to Moscow last summer, saying "you've changed since you went to Russia", an utterly laughable idea). She refuses to understand that this was me all along, and the image she had of me in her head never existed.

    Now I'm 23 years old, I've never in my life to my knowledge ever given any indication whatsoever I'm interested in girls, I never went on dates with girls or anything. I've had to put up with them assuming I was straight all that time, listening to my stepfather and father make comments to me about women as if I were straight, and my mother set up awkward exchanges between me and girls, "oh, she's the same age as you, why don't you two talk" situations I've evaded each time.

    And I knew my lack of masculinity problem has always been a major issue with my father, but my mother being so backward on gender norms was a disappointment. I don't know why she ever assumed I was some manly man. I've hated sports passionately since I was in the 3rd grade or so, I would cry when I was forced to play in the Little League or go to some sports camp. Apparently my family just all deluded themselves with some fake image of me as some 'normal' boy that they wanted me to be.

    Getting back somewhat to the subject of the belt, I guess that is kind of emblematic of how sore I am at them and at the world, for stupid gender policing. Literally the only thing I care about each day is planning out my outfits for that day. I think about how I wish I could have gone into some creative field in fashion, my parents used to always talk about my sister going to FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) but an idea like that was of course never even brought up to me since I'm a guy, and I certainly wasn't going to propose something that would draw suspicion on my sexuality like that as a closeted teenager. (Good thing my nasty little homophobe sister isn't going there, I doubt she would win many friends at FIT like that)


    Yeah I do hope it gets better, but at my age, I don't know whether it can. I need to get a job and a life so I can get away from my family, at least for a while, but it's like I'm trapped in this vicious catch-22 cycle of depression and misery that holds me back from accomplishing anything. I hate even just waking up in the morning, I'll try to go back to sleep numerous times since I don't want to return to the real world.
     
  8. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes, you need to leave as soon as you can take care of yourself. Everything will get much better once your not dependent on people who constantly humiliate you. They sound like petty, spiteful people who feed off each other's venom, and you're just an easy target for them. The longer you stay, the more you start believing them and internalizing their homophobia.

    Also, you should demand they respect you if they want help like fixing a laptop.
     
  9. Linthras

    Linthras Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2012
    Messages:
    2,140
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Leeuwarden (FR), the Netherlands
    As long as you don't actually have annorexia I wouldn't worry about it.
    But don't let all this negativity make you become anorexic or bolemic.
    You're not wrong in feeling hurt, especially when the negative comments come from family members who are supposed to be supporting you. Don't let them get you down.
     
  10. HelloMyNameIs

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado, U.S.
    Gender:
    Female
    I think the fact that you are aware of your feelings is actually a sign of strength, not of weakness or of needing to "man up." From your story, you seem like a really, genuinely kind and compassionate person. A lot of people are not so in touch with themselves. :thumbsup:

    You're the one who marched in a parade, while your family is still scared of the reactions of others. This just shows that you are the bigger person. They may make you feel ashamed, but just know that there are so many people who love you for you and wouldn't want you to change a thing about yourself. :eusa_clap

    Also, people who make others feel inferior, feel inferior themselves, and they just want to bring you down with them. They're like vampires- they feed off of other peoples' happiness. Grrr!

    I'm so sorry for the depression/social anxiety- I know that it seems like it will never get better when you feel isolated. It may feel like no one wants you, or even like no one notices you. Or when the social anxiety is bad, like everyone notices you, but in a bad way. I know I've had friendships before that ended because I felt like all I ever did was embarrass myself or embarrass them, whether or not I actually did, and I ended up isolating myself again. But when you meet the right people- and I promise, they are out there, and they'll wait for you to feel okay being social, and they'll care about you as an individual and never shame you or make you feel disgusted with yourself- everything really does get better. It's not just a platitude- it REALLY DOES GET BETTER.

    All the best to you (*hug*)
     
    #10 HelloMyNameIs, Jul 6, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2013
  11. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2012
    Messages:
    878
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Yes, it is pretty toxic environment, but I feel like I'm just trapped, I don't know how to get out of it, I can't motivate myself to do anything. I wish I had just one person in real life who I could really count on and trust and hug and who would motivate me and help me to get out of this situation. Instead I just continue to wallow away in misery hating my life.

    Not having therapy or groups or anything this week really messed me up, the worst things always happen when I'm not having counseling to at least talk about it.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2013 at 12:15 AM ----------

    Well I've always been pretty skinny. Right now I'm very slightly underweight, but I don't think I have anorexia. At least, I never thought I had anorexia. But since my sister makes a comment about me being anorexic pretty much every single day, sometimes I start to believe it and act like I do, even though I really don't think I do. Apparently my family thinks the idea of a guy having anorexia is just some funny joke to laugh at, ha, ha, ha. :confused:

    But the 'fairy' comment from my sister is a new one, I've never heard her use that term in that way before. Why couldn't I at least have a normal modern teenage girl who loves the gays and wants gay best friends and all that. She and my mother used to watch the Glee show and she would make fun of Kurt (a gay character) for having a high-pitched voice. I've long suspected my sister is a closet lesbian, which would explain her outdated unbefitting homophobia when over 80% of young people in the U.S. support gay rights and all that. Just my luck I get someone in the other 20%.

    However the most offensive thing about it to me was how my mother didn't say anything or apparently think it was any big deal to make insulting comments about my weight and sexuality, two things that have caused me a lot of depression and anxiety over the years.

    It's like how the worst part of the Pride marches in Russia is not the fact that the LGBT marchers all get beat up (though that's pretty terrible), but the fact that the Russian police will literally stand around and do nothing to stop the beating and protect the LGBT people.

    The fact that none of my family even realize or care how hurtful they are to me is the worst part of it all. :icon_sad:
     
  12. Kamina

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2013
    Messages:
    318
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    I'm really sorry your family is treating you like that. (*hug*) do you think you could ask someone from the LGBTQ center for housing for a few days at least? Maybe while your family is at Jersey Shore? That way you would be out of the house at least. I definitially know how crippling comments on your appearence can be (although I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum as far as weight goes), I won't tell you to ignore them but don't take them to heart, from your pics you don't look unhealthy in anyway.

    As far as anxiety and depression go have you considered going on medication for them? I'm looking at it for my anxiety right now and I know that with therapy and other coping mechanisms it really helped my friend.

    (*hug*) don't ever think you are not worth it, you sound very intellegent and like a really awesome guy. I was never into sports either; Artsy is awesome! (Coming from a huge art geek)
     
  13. putresVigil

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2012
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    The Narcissist's Child: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers Pt 1

    Not to be the type to suggest you diagnose your own parent or parents but, from the sound of it, your mother seems more interested in how you look than how you are. Gossiping behind your back, making the mother-son relationship feel like an exercise in high school clique nonsense, and the like seem to hint at something seriously wrong with her (not you). I would suggest reading the link above (there are just over twenty or so traits listed) and see if this fits her. If so, I would suggest you be prepared to get psychological help for yourself and work to extricate yourself from that situation - there is generally no helping people who refuse to admit they even have a problem.

    I am really sorry you are going through this. It is brave of you to come out like you have, especially considering you were largely pulled out of the closet by an errant photo and an article of clothing you overlooked. You seem relatively intelligent, able to discuss your feelings freely (here, at least), and seem rather pretty (handsome) the way you are - while it is easy for me to say it, try to limit how much of their bullshit you end up internalizing (I would tell you not to internalize their bullshit at all, but they are your parents so some of it will sink in, I fear - just don't let it destroy you, if you can help it). You seem to be in therapy so that is good. Be very careful of looking for someone to hug as no individual or relationship with a guy will save you from this: I tried saving myself by throwing myself into relationships (with women, back in the closet, but same difference here) and I came across as clingy. Finding a friend who you can cuddle up to and talk with would be good but that is never as easy to find as it feels like it should be, is it? Not in my experience, at least.

    I hope you do find some alleviation though, as you seem worthy of a lot more than you even allow for yourself here.
     
    #13 putresVigil, Jul 6, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2013
  14. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2012
    Messages:
    878
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Thanks for all the words of support and advice. I'll be back to respond in more detail later, I really appreciate all the info and suggestions.:slight_smile:

    As it turns out, my mother told me my choices were to either go with them to the Jersey shore, or go spend the week with my father. I figured at least the Jersey shore I will be able to go to the beach and stuff, rather than deal with my father and his whole other set of problems. So I'm going to be my mother, sister, and stepfather for a week in one hotel room, it's going to be a weird experience. I've never felt so alienated from them as I do right now, but hopefully the beach and sea air will rejuvenate me from depression and all that. Anyway I just hope I have a wi-fi there.

    (Plus the hotel where they stay has the hottest pool boys, my favorite part of going there as a teen, though I could never tell my mother unless I wanted to get that "disgusting gay freak" look from her.:astonished:)

    So I need to pack quickly now, hopefully this trip doesn't turn into a disaster. :eek:
     
  15. Incognito10

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Coast, US.
    This is a tough situation because you live with them and can't just "get away" easily. So, I am just thinking, if you're a recent college grad, it's probably going to take some time to get to a place of your own. Do you have any relatives like aunt, uncles or anyone else who is accepting that would let you explain what is going on and allow you live or stay with them? Ultimately, is sounds very emotionally abusive to live in a house where you're being treated that way.

    I am assuming, given the tone of your household, it's not really on your mind to take your mom aside and tell her that you're really struggling with depression due to her behavior?

    Personally, I have an aunt, who is like a second mother, who had some very scathing words for me when she found out I had a boyfriend and, of course am gay. This was several years ago. I was highly hurt and just avoided her for a good year, not out of spite or anger, but I didn't know what to say or how to even interact with someone who does not "like" me because I am gay. I remember she sent a X-mas card and all I could do was just put the envelope away without opening it for a year. Eventually, she came around and realized her love was for me was more important.

    Also, when I was younger, even before I really knew what sexuality was, I would get remarks from my parents about my behavior that was perceived to be "gay." I remember being very hurt and angry that I was being judged for things that I didn't even realize (such as my interests, the way I walked or talked being perceived as "gay."). Keep working with your therapist for advice and I wish you the best.
     
  16. HopeFloats

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2013
    Messages:
    343
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    US
    The best thing you can do is get financial independence from your parents. You have to move out. Understand that they are not going to change. They will keep hurting your feelings and blaming you for having feelings. As long as you are in that house, you will be surrounded by these hateful comments. As to the belt thing, your mom probably is hoping that you're not really gay. It's her lack of acceptance. I'm so sorry. Getting out of there and starting to create an independent life will give you confidence and help that depression lift. Until then, keep taking baby steps towards independence one day at time.