So this is a long strange story. I am a 26 year old female and my boyfriend is a 27 year old male. We have been together for 5 years, but we have broken up and gotten back together a few times. Lately I have been thinking that he might be gay and unable to admit it to anyone else or maybe even unable to admit it to himself. I love him with all my heart and I want him to be happy and true to himself, but I also have love for myself and I don't want to stay in the relationship if he doesn't really want to be with me (or anyone of my gender). When we first met we hit it off right away. Things were amazing sexually. It was the best sex either of us had ever had. He had only had sex with 2 other women and his only other serious girlfriend was super christian and when they had sex it was very vanilla and then she would feel guilty afterwards. I liked to do some kinky role playing things and I am very submissive and he loved stepping in and filling the dominant role. He said I was like a sex goddess and everything about me just screamed sex. He made me feel amazing about myself and amazing in general. I have always been a very sexual person. I love trying new things. He suggested we try anal and I told him I might be into it. Until then I had thought that since women have no prostate that they must just do anal to please men and not get enjoyment out of it. But I started researching it and reading about women who loved it and really got off on it and I started to really want it, too. So we had anal. It was the first time for both of us and we both LOVED it. I preferred it to vaginal sex for a long time and anal was pretty much all we did. A couple months into dating I found out that boyfriend had been a heroin addict in the past and he admitted to me that he had gone out and bought some. I made him flush it down the toilet and was really upset. Eventually I ended up asking him to get some for me to try. The rest was history. I became really really really addicted. I went off a deep end and took it way further than he did. He has a lot of guilt about introducing me to it, but he stayed with me through rehabs and relapses and me acting like a total jerk. We have both been in opioid replacement therapy for years now. He takes suboxone and I take methadone. Both medications can affect sex drive. I can't even remember when this problem began, but he stopped wanting to have sex with me. It made me feel really hurt and rejected and when I would try to talk to him he would get defensive and angry. Lately we have sex an average of 1-2x a month. That is not enough for me, but it's more than that. He seems distant and colder toward me. I feel like I am starved from affection 95% of the time and the 5% that he is loving and sexual makes me think things could change and get better so I stay in the relationship. When we first got together he told me that he has messed around with another man in the past. They had blown each other. I was totally fine with that which surprised him because his christian ex made him feel terrible about himself when he told her. So I asked if he was bi, but he said he didn't consider himself bi. He had gay porn on his computer and the two of us watched it together and got frisky (gay porn turns me on for some reason). Fast forward 5 years. Both on medications that can mess with sex drive and having sex 1-2x a month. This has been going on for a long time, too. It's not like it's just a dry patch. He knows its a big issue for me. I feel like my sexual needs aren't being met, I don't get enough affection from him, and it makes me feel rejected and I start thinking it's because I am not good enough. It has really hurt my self esteem. He knows all of this and he thinks I am being overly dramatic and that it isn't that big of a deal. He says that he has no sex drive because of the medicine and he could go months without even thinking about sex. He says that he never even masturbates. After a long time of me nagging him, he talked to his suboxone doctor about his low sex drive. The doctor said it is a well documented fact that many people on opiates have low sex drives and that he needed to get his testosterone as long term opiate use can affect T levels. He made a bunch of excuses as ro why he didn't want to take the test So I looked through his internet history and through his phone. He has his phone set to delete history immediately so there was nothing to find there. He told him that if he ever watches porn it'll always on his phone. I looked through his pictures. He had a million pictures of his dick, but I already knew that. He'll stop during sex and take pictures of it going into my butt or my mouth or just laying on my face or whatever. Then I looked at his saved pictures file. There were pictures of us from years ago. Pictures he felt were important enough to put into a saved file. Then I saw it. It was a picture of a man standing in the mirror holding his sizable erection and taking the pic with his phone. His pc history was deleted as well, but I started typing in a url and a website came up where gay men webcam and rate each others dicks. He has a really big dick and he is very proud of it. He takes a million pictures of it and when he watches straight porn the man having a big dick is part of the criteria. I confronted him about the saved picture and the website. He said if he ever does look at porn its never on his PC anymore and that the dick rating page must have been a popup because he had no idea what it was. When I brought up the picture he got really defensive. I asked him why he had it and he said I must have saved it for some reason but I don't even remember. I told him it looked like he was sexting with someone and sending dic pics to one another and he saved it. He couldn't give a reason why he had it or where it came from. There are more little 'clues' than this, but I don't want to ramble and I fee like I have explained the gist of things. Does it sound like he is gay? Most people who hear parts of the story ask how I could even have doubts at this point. I know that people in love sometimes blind themselves from truths they don't want to recognize. I want our relationship to work, but if he is gay it wouldn't work and the relationship would turn into a prison for both of us. If you have an opinion as to whether or not you think he is gay it would be very helpful to me if you could explain your reasoning. I would also appreciate advice on what I should do. If I should talk to him what should I say, should I talk to him at all. Thanks so much for reading me rant and thanks in advance for taking the time to offer support and advice that I really need right now in my life
Hmmm. I think it's safe to say that if he had gay porn on his computer, a pic he saved of a naked guy with an erection, a history of trading blowjobs with a guy, and defensiveness when asked about it... he isn't totally straight. Additionally, a pretty significant percentage of people who have addiction problems have an underlying psychological reason why they are self-medicating, and being gay is one of the more common issues. So you add these together and it seems pretty likely there's an issue here. Has he done a lot of individual therapy during rehab? If so, and if the counselor is competent, the issue of sexuality often comes up. Also, if the two of you are in NA, and are working the steps, he should understand the important of honesty and of not doing anything to hurt those around him, so it might be sensible to work with him on the steps and see if it will help him get more comfortable with the idea of owning who he is. If he's truly bisexual and enjoys girls as much as guys then he could easily stay with you in the long term. But if he's leaning more toward guys... then you both owe it to each other to try and address it. It's never easy, but particularly since you're both focusing on sobriety, it's an important issue to address, particularly for his long-term sobriety.
Wow.. quite the story! To be honest, I don't even know if the problem here is him being gay. Are you comfortable with him sexting other people in general? First and foremost, there needs to be trust in a relationship.
We talked about things this weekend. I still don't think he is being honest with me, as more things keep coming out little by little. As I mentioned before he said he never even masturbates and just has no sex drive because of his medication (suboxone). I asked him about the pictures again and told him that it seemed to me that he was sexting an other man. He said that wasn't the case. He promised he isn't talking to anyone else or anything like that. He said that he knows better than most people what his sexuality is because he has experimented and he felt like it wasn't for him. He said that he just appreciates big dicks and he jerks off to them. I didn't know how to take that and made me feel more confused, but he kept assuring me that he isn't gay and he wants to be with me. I am so open about these things. If he told me he was bi I would be totally fine with it. I just don't like feeling like he doesn't want me and isn't attracted to me at all. Later I went to his house and I was trying on his shirts and there was one on his bed all covered in dried cum. I tried to walk away before he saw me get upset, but I couldn't. I started crying. He said he has no sex drive and never even jerks off, after the talk about the picture he admitted to doing it very rarely, and after the shirt he said he jerks off probably once every two weeks. We have sex once or twice a month if I am lucky. That night he initiated the sex and it was really hot but then he went totally soft and no matter what I tried it wouldn't get hard. He said he couldn't feel anything because of his medicine. It really upset me and just made me feel even more like he doesn't want me. In the morning we were spooning and kind of grinding and I went to give him a blow job. He tried to stop me but I just went for it and he said 'please babe, I just can't even feel anything'. This is making me feel so rejected and absolutely awful. I don't care if he wants to jerk off to dicks or men fucking or whatever else. I don't care if he wants to jerk off 5 times a day. I just want him to want to fuck me. His excuse for not wanting to fuck me was that he has no sex drive, but this proves otherwise. Why is he leading me on and dragging me through this- especially when he sees how much it is hurting me. Am I a fool? Is he lying to me? I don't know what to think. The hurt this situation causes me and the love I have for him totally cloud my mind and I don't think I can look at the situation rationally.
Pardon me for using language relevant to addiction and addicts but... addicts lie, and addicts are incredibly manipulative, and they are also extremely selfish. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. My point is, I think you know that he isn't being truthful with you. How not truthful, we don't know. But it's unlikely that he only mastubates every two weeks, unlikely that if he likes penises that he isn't attracted to the beings attracted to them, and unlikely that he simply has no sex drive due to the medication when he clearly can and does masturbate and have sex. To put it bluntly, he has no reason to be honest with you, and plenty of reasons not to. I think at this point, you have to decide what's right for you. There are clearly good things about the relationship, but there is a fundamental dishonesty, and I think that, no matter what you do, even if you threaten to leave, he's not going to be honest, he'll only be honest enough to get you to leave him alone (another addict trait... when questioned, say just enough to get the other party to shut up, and nothing more.) Perhaps that's something you can accept. But if you're growing, working out your own issues with addiction, and being honest with yourself, I think you realize that unless he can do the same... you're going to be at different places emotionally, and that usually isn't a recipe for a successful relationship.
