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I have overprotective, conservative Asian parents

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dphu, Jul 7, 2013.

  1. dphu

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    I have the typical, traditional Vietnamese parents. And it's the worst nightmare for an in-closet lesbian like me.

    • No dating till 18 (not a huge issue with me).
    • No sleepovers
    • Call whenever you get home
    • Must be proper as a female, can't be tomboyish

    I'm the first generation for my parents who were fresh off the boat from Vietnam to America. My mother's been through a lot, and I really respect her wisdom and selfless love. However, her love is smothering me of my growth to become an adult.

    I know I shouldn't blame my mom (who is the most paranoid, strict parent compared to my dad), but I now suffer social anxiety, dependency, and paranoia. She freaks out and talks about rape/murder if I were to sleepover at a friend's house. Now, I am starting to freak out whenever I am alone somewhere. I start to think every person is out to get me...

    Also, I'm feeling so pressured about my future, which is get married to a man and have kids. And I don't want any of that. I don't think I'll ever tell them I'm gay for girls, because it'll just break my mom's heart and it'll cause problems. (And make her scream with anger and slap me. And tell me I'm sinful.) My mother's extremely catholic and she believes homosexuals are the devil and are sick. She hates them, basically.

    Is there any way to break away from the tradition of Asian families? Are there other in-the-closet people out that with overprotective, traditional parents and would like to give me advice?

    Thanks for reading!
     
  2. Mystory

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    I am in the exact same situation. I am unsure how to get out of it myself- but honestly I can only see this ending in heartache for your parents in one way or another. My plan was to try moving overseas- fulfilling my lifestyle there and unfortunately becoming estranged with my parents but I don't really see that as a positive solution. I at least however, understand your predicament and our inability to simply just "walk away" or "come out to them" it would be very, very, very, very messy from what I can tell... simply just because of our culture. In any case, if you are truly desperate, then pursue further studies and just say something about becoming a doctor lol
     
  3. Zam

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    Well atleast you do not got religious parents that will try to turn you straight?
    Think positive :slight_smile:
     
  4. dphu

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    So what do you plan on doing? I also thought of going overseas and having my own lifestyle. And I had this crazy notion that there may be a gay man who was also in the same situation as me, and we'd "marry" in the eyes of my parents, but in actuality I have a girlfriend.

    Thanks for your empathy... I guess we're stuck to staying in the closet?

    Yeaaahh, but my mom is worse than turn-straight parents. My mother is the one that attacks your mind and tries to change you. And if you don't think like her or do what she wants, she looks at you with disgusts and disappointment.

    It's the worst feeling for me.

    I want to make her proud, yet I also want to do my own thing. *sigh*
     
  5. bagginses

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    I have crazy parents like that too, I'm also Asian.
    The only difference is that your a girl and I'm a guy so if my parents found out I was gay they would either resent me for life or deny it to their dying days.
    Ah yes, and they would arrange my marriage with a girl I hardly know.

    Asian parents, why are they so traditional?

    ---------- Post added 7th Jul 2013 at 11:05 PM ----------

    Not to mention they are control freaks.
     
  6. Unsurevirgin

    Unsurevirgin Guest

    Omg my life story and I come from A pakistani family but I do like men just white boys or variety lol my parents wouldn't accept variety but I doubt l'll have a faithful boy tho :/ .
     
  7. srslywtf

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    my family is white.

    my mum is just the same.

    just put as much distance between you and them as you can. They'll never see reason or back off. The hardest part is when they start to make you feel like you're mistreating them/not being a good child/etc... You need to go very slowly, just ease away.

    I'm 26, live with a friend on the other side of town, and my mum still freaks out if she tries to call me and I dont answer my phone straight away. I'm over alot of my anxiety but thanks to her I will always have some.

    It's a terrible burden I know... They don't understand how stressful it is to you. Just try to distance yourself from it.
     
  8. Straight ally

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    The solution i see in your case is : wait, be patient

    Wait till you are financially independent to dress tomboyishly, to have sleepovers etc... Or yo come out.

    Before coming out, try being succesful, acheiving things that make your parents proud, then, comeo out, maybe that way it would easier on her.

    Dont budge to marrying with a man, dont do that, it will destroy you , and because she wants you to be happy it will destroy her also, and it would damage your husband so dont marry with a man. I suppose you are not obligated to date, so, just dont date guys, and if your mom shows you a guy she wants you to meet, first pretend to be interested, meet up with him and then tell her " um no, i dont like him/he is too.../ or he does... Etc.

    Summing up: be patient, be merciful with your mom, but also be merciful with yourself and be firm with what you are and want. Is better for you being happy while your mom is consumed by her prejudices than complying with everything she expect but making yourself extremely unhappy, a husband unhappy and your parents unhappy with your unhappyness.
     
  9. Snorlax

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    I can relate to this. From my personal experience, as long that you do well at school and everything else in life, you have more leverage to negotiate with your parents. Perhaps try to change their views on homosexuality over time. Test the water and see what are their current opinions. I have seen Asian parents accepting their children (one), but - and I'm sorry for saying this - I have seen cases where parents would disown their kids due to their sexual orientation, so it can be a risk. Unfortunately, I cannot give out too many advice since I am stuck in a similar boat. Here is my story if you are interested:

    I come from an extremely traditional and conservative Asian family. In fact, my entire extended family is like that. As a background, grandparents are top-tier, and then their children - twelve of them. Each one is successful and extremely wealthy, but sadly the sibling rivalries are there, and many of them are always watching and waiting to see each other fall. Very Machiavellian, to say the least.

    I happen to be the first grandchild, and a male as well. Although I have no interest in their games, there is an expectation for me to be the most successful and highest achiever among all of us third-generations (my cousins). Ever since I was born, I have been placed into a competition against all my cousins. Of course, as this is a typical Asian family, education was the key deciding factor for us kids - at least until we graduate anyway. Long story short, many have fallen along the way but I am fortunate enough to be one of the few who remains standing. Now the pressure on me is even much greater than it has ever been.

    My parents have already put in place a transition plan for me to slowly take over control of all the family businesses when I have completed my doctorate, but I have not told them that I have no interest in entering the business world. I had to fight and out-manoeuvred them just to be able to study the course I enjoy at university, but I'm not sure I can win this next 'round'. On the other hand, my grandparents have expressed their wish of seeing me getting married and have children before they pass away, but nobody knows that I am bi but leaning more towards guys.

    I did have a similar intention as Mystory, where I'd move overseas, break the tie with my family and be able to live the life I want to live. Unfortunately, the current health status of my parents and grandparents do not look very positive, so I'm not prepared to give them a shock of a lifetime. Did I also mention that I am the only son, and only one of three grandsons in the extended family? :icon_sad:
     
  10. Mystory

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    Well Dphu, I intend to prolong my studies out as long as I can- maybe focus on becoming a successful doctor. My parents had always wanted me to become a doctor, and I'm sure any asian household would find pride in having their son or daughter become a doctor. How I see it is, eventually they will become old, and thus they will become financially dependent upon you. In becoming a doctor, not only do you make them proud, but you also give them a sound and stable future of dependence to look forward to.

    I'm taking things one step at a time however- not sure what happens after that though- perhaps then focus upon building a career? for you understandably you could say that you are too focused on your career to be thinking about a family or so. Otherwise see if you can get a scholarship to study abroad- or an internship overseas. It is the perfect excuse.

    @Snorlax- i completely understand your predicament. I live in a household with two other siblings. My brother, I suspect, is also gay (what are the fucking odds), and we have one sister who, although is heterosexual, is sadly in love with a closeted gay man whom she loves too much to let go (and vice versa). We don't see any foreseeable grandchildren on her part due to their refusal to marry.Obviously this has affected my parents significantly- as to why three "beautiful" children have thus far indicated a "refusal" to have grandchildren. Unfortunate. Not sure what to do. All I can say is that I'm glad i'm not the only one in this situation.
     
    #10 Mystory, Jul 8, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2013
  11. Snorlax

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    Mystory - it appears that we are adopting the same strategy, by taking it one step at a time and prolonging it for as long as possible. Everyone is convinced that currently I am too focused on my research (and eventually, a career) to care about dating or starting a family, but little do they know...
     
  12. dphu

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    My mom is a control freak, too. Hahah, it's just the Eastern culture and values, I suppose.

    They would definitely arrange a marriage if you aren't getting married... What are you planning on doing?

    Wow. I'll take this into consideration.

    I see my education as my only way out, therefore I will strive in my career. I will one day grow to be independent and more knowledgeable. I do want to make them proud and happy. The only way is by being successful. And I will do that.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2013 at 09:05 AM ----------

    @Snorlax
    Thanks for telling me your story. It makes me feel relieved that there are others who are in-the-closet just like me who are pressured by their own family.

    It must be very hard. God, I know my situation is not as pressured as yours, but I can say that I suffer the same expectations of my parents and family members. It's hard. And I know it's easier said than done to: do what makes you happy. It's looking at your parents'/grandparents' eyes and seeing that proudness, knowing that they are proud to call you theirs. And when disappointment is shown in their eyes, it's horrible.

    @Mystory
    That's the same way I'm going at it, too! I aim to be successful. I aim to be a dentist. I want to support them when they are elderly for raising me and loving me unconditionally. However, I hope I do not give in to my stress and sadness when they expect me to marry.

    It's strange. I feel tied up between my duties and my desires. It's so hard. I'm struggling with myself here. I want to give my parents grandkids, yet I don't want to marry. I feel that if I don't produce grandkids and have a husband that I am worthless. As of right now, I have my soulmate. She's the one for me, but I'm struggling so much right now. Who I should be and who I am. Gosh, I need therapy.
     
  13. Grrrr331

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    I'm also in the same situation. My parents are Vietnamese and basically the same as you, strict and control every moment of ma life, it's annoying. My advice to you and to myself also is what everyone is saying, wait till you can support ur self independently then come out, just in case something happens. :c
    Best o' luck
     
  14. dphu

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    You too! :frowning2: Would they arrange a marriage for you? My mother would never do that for me, though. She believes in finding the right one in Dental school or (if I go) the Navy.
     
  15. Yeah, I'm in the exact same position and that would be the most likely conclusion if I EVER do come out to my parents.

    I think you girls have it a bit easier but what's mainly keeping you from coming out to your parents is their Catholic faith. I think my solution is to wait it out a bit. Probably wait until you have a big support group and wait until you're financially capable in life.
     
  16. dphu

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    @anthonythegamer
    Yeah. I totally understand. I have only 3 people who support me right now and well, I'm going into college soon. So, only way out is through my career, which is fine with me, but it will be tedious and hard.

    I hope I figure out what I want in life. Thanks guys for replying in the thread!
     
  17. Straight ally

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    And you can even use that as a motivation!

    Oh, something i must add: do that, fight for keeping your relationship with your parents as healthy as possible, but be emotionally prepared for their reaction, find as much support as possible before coming out, create and latern family composed by good close friends and ideally a girlfriend. Elaborate a big and strong consistent network , and at the same time train your mind, train your emotions, read books, ask question to mature people, hang out with mature people, avoid negative people... All this is good even for straight people or gay people with accepting family, but in your case is not only good, is fundamental.

    Oh, and find people talk, wether face to face with people you know or with strangers at internet, of those you can find many here at ECC. For that matter, i'm more than open ears. Actually , i have been immersing myself in lgtb experiences and issues lately, i already read the first eleven pages of coming out stories posts.

    So,you can talk to me if you want :grin:

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  18. dphu

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    @Straight ally
    Yes. I will. Thank you for guiding me. I will do all that. and I will get back to you about my coming out stories. Thanks for having a compassionate and wise mind.

    My relationship with my parents are... stranger-acquintance leveled. I hope to rekindle and make our bonds stronger now that you made me see. My relationship with my mom is very hard and rocky. I hope to one day at least honor and respect my parents, but I know that I have my own desires and wants.

    You really did guide me. And you also made me aware of what I need to do. Thanks so much!
     
  19. Mystory

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    I think you should hold onto your girlfriend. She sounds like a real keeper. Hopefully you don't have to hurt her for the sake of your parents. I have however read some wonderful stories in this forum about open relationships- and if worst comes to worst, perhaps find a really good male friend... But let's hope it doesn't get to that.

    In any case, this is a wonderful thread. I actually giggled a bit upon realising how many other people were going through the exact same thing!
     
  20. dphu

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    Successful stories of open relationships. Yeah, it seems to be common. The thing is I don't want to share her with anyone else. I really believe in 2 people in a relationship. But, I totally understand what you're saying, and truth be told, her and I were actually talking about it as an idea in way, way future. It's complicated.

    But, thanks for the input. and hahah, yeah I find it really not so lonesome to have other people in similar circumstances in some way. Thanks!