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I'm gay, but I think she likes me and I might like her back! Help?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by flight, Jul 8, 2013.

  1. flight

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    This is a bit of a long read, but I would be so grateful if you just skimmed it.

    I met this girl by chance a year ago after making the decision to stay in a course I would hate. We didn't exactly hit it off. I didn't even know her name for the first three months of class. Yes I'm that bad a person with names. It was French class and she was really good. Lets call her Sally. At the end of the school year, we were friends. Nothing much. Then she tells me she's switching schools. And I say good bye, nothing of it, we shared the same interests and it was interesting to have someone that is engaged in social issues as I was. We got some good debates in.

    Flash forward a bit and we're hanging out together. We had a get together with another friend and spent the day out. Nothing much. Christmas comes, and she wants to see me again. I asked her if she could help me pick out a blazer as I needed to go to an event and my mom has horrible taste. I asked her if she wanted to bring anyone, she said no. I found this quite odd because I thought she would want to bring some other common friends along. Sounds like a date.... We spend the day going out for lunch, roaming the mall, shopping for clothes, coffee shop break.

    I kid you not she's like "Do you have muscles?" I'm pretty skinny and not muscular but not sticks and skin. She feels my arm as I'm trying on a shirt and goes "well you do." Awkward. We literally spend the whole day out together. If these are come ons I suck at figuring it out. She even bought me a Christmas gift and a card. And I got her nothing. I felt like a douche, but I don't normally do things for friends around Christmas. We're just friends, right?

    Flash forward another 3 months. I want to see her for a visit. We schedule a day. She says she really wants to see me. A day before we're supposed to meet up she cancels telling me she's busy. Okay we'll reschedule for the day after. Same thing happens. She was super apologetic. At this point I thought she was into me. And I thought I was too. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm gay, having someone into me seemed pretty awesome.
    Whether this person was a a guy or a girl. To be honest, I felt crushed since apparently canceling on a whim was a thing she felt like she could just do, without rescheduling. I know we weren't in a relationship, but she just left me on the curb 12 hours before we were supposed to meet up. I hate it when friends do that to me. Mind you she did have finals, so it wasn't the best time. Okay, forget relationship. I'm gay.

    Flash forward to now. I'm seeing her on Saturday. I told her since she came all the way out to see me, I would go and see her. I ask if she wants to bring friends. She says " who can we bring?" I lie saying I don't know who we could bring to see what her response would be. She says Idk, either. There are plenty of people we could bring. Plenty.... So it's another lunch meet up and then she wants to bring me to a park where we can talk.

    Okay, does anybody think she wants to go out with me? As in dating. Because I feel like she does. Maybe I'm just reading too far into it...

    But I'm gay!? So I can't go out with her right? But I do want to... I know I shouldn't because it would be selfish of me. I would like to have a relationship now, but I love her so much as a friend that ruining that would be horrible knowing that I'm gay. Men turn me on, women don't but she's the only person that I've actually thought about having a relationship with so far. I'm open to having a relationship with men and with women, but no one that I know is out. I would hate myself I led her on to fill that void in my heart, but knowing that I think about another gender sexually... My parents even think I'm in a relationship with her... Every time her name comes up my mom goes "Is it a date?"

    Should I ask her about what the status of our relationship is? Should I come out to her?

    Thanks in advance for any advice. You guys are awesome for at least coming by and reading my story.
     
  2. apandemisexual

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    Have you ever been in a relationship?
    Do you just want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one?
    You said you are open to having a relationship with women. Do you mean just an emotional relationship?
    Have you ever kissed a girl or guy?
     
  3. flight

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    1. Nope, this would be my first relationship.
    2. Sort of. I wouldn't want to be with just anyone for my first relationship. I do want it to be something special. Having said that I am willing to wait, but I find it sorta cool if this were to be my first. If I were to start a relationship, I would be in it for the right reasons. If this were to be my first, I would want to start one with her.
    3. It would only be an emotional relationship sadly.
    4. Nope, never kissed anyone...

    Thanks apandemisexual!
     
  4. Chip

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    If you are pretty certain you're not sexually attracted to her and are gay, you owe it to her to either tell her up front, or to not go out with her. Otherwise, she is (naturally) going to assume that you are equally attracted to her and that she's found a boyfriend.

    She will end up getting really, really hurt, and you'll end up feeling like shit.

    So if you address the issue up front (which, ideally, means either coming out to her, or, alternatively, that you just like her as a friend, or lying to her and claiming that it isn't her, that you're just not interested in dating, or some such) then it is possible you can maintain a friendship with her.

    Imagine if your roles were reversed, and you had eyes for some guy and were spending a bunch of time with him, and he seemed to like you back, but he was really straight and didn't want to tell you... you'd be pretty crushed. Please don't do that to someone else, any more than has already happened.
     
  5. flight

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    Hi Chip,

    Thanks for the advice! Totally agree with you. I don't want to hurt her. That's why I asked. I'm horrible when someone flirts with me because I just can't tell.

    To be fair, I haven't seen her since Christmas and I thought I was straight at the time. Normally I'm just really friendly with girls, so some of her actions seemed normal for me. I can't date her anyway since my parents won't let me have a relationship till after university, so it was really out of the question. Would it have been nice to be in a relationship? Yeah. Would I have done it knowing what I know? Probably not.

    I'm planning on coming out to her. I'm not going to dodge the subject because it's just going to keep spiraling. Does anybody have any advice on how I should go about doing that?

    Thanks again!