Hey everyone, I stumbled across EC today while searching for a way to set my mind and heart at ease. It seems like a great place full of wonderful people, so I thought maybe some of you could help me with my problem. I am in a relationship with a boy that lives a couple hours away from me. We met online about a year and a half ago and decided to meet up one day. Our relationship started out as a "friends with benefits" type of deal, however it slowly developed into a deep emotional bond between the two of us. I found out as we started to get deeper into our relationship that his motivation was a curiosity about being with a guy. He plays a few MMOs and role plays as a girl. He flirted with a few guys online and developed an attraction to a certain guy who he still talks to and flirts on a nearly daily basis. This online relationship eventually lead to him wanting to experiment with a real guy. Thus a while later I entered the picture, and the rest is history. Turns out the poor guy has good deal of baggage. His family by and large walks all over him. He broke up with a girlfriend who lied to him about loving him, but he still has/had feelings for her. The list goes on. The biggest one though is that he is caught between loving me and wanting to stay with me, and feeling like he "should" be straight. He wants to have a wedding and children, and feels like its his duty. I have brought up the fact that more and more those things arent out of reach for us, but that doesnt seem to calm his emotions. I cant see him ever being happy with a woman. He doesnt trust them, and hes fairly misogynistic in many ways. He does have a strong physical attraction to them (or at least says he does) which he does have for men in general, but his emotions seem to play the other way. Also he REALLY enjoys receiving anal sex. We had a heart to heart the other day and he admitted exactly how deep his conflict of loving me, but feeling like he is "supposed" to be with a woman runs. I use the quotes because its seems to be a combo of cultural/familial pressure and his desire to get married and have biological children. I have been trying not to pressure him about the future or our relationship status. Heck, just this weekend he finally admitted I am his boyfriend. I know I want to be with him for as long as he will stay, no matter how it ends. I just dont know how to help him with his dilemma, and it breaks my heart to see him upset like that. I want for him to feel good about what we are and what we do, but other than just wait I dont know what i can do. Does anyone have any advice? Leaf~
Is he out? He may also still be going through that last bit of denial; while he has acknowledged his feelings for guys, he may still be in the mindset of what is "normal" and what "isn't". Another question; does he identify as bisexual or gay? I'd say at this point in time just stick by his side and let him know you'll be there for him
Yes, indeed you need to stand by him at this point, but there has to be progress made too, it will not be fair to you if he remains paralyzed, so you may have to push him a little to make a decision, he needs to understand that it is not fair to you to string you along and that you have certain limits.
There are a lot of pictures, videos, and articles about LGBT marriage and families available online. Probably support groups and information sources on adoption and surrogacy as well. Perhaps if you showed him some of these it might make the possibility more real to him and help resolve his issues. I'd suggest doing some online research and presenting him with a selection of information that you think will be most effective. I'm traveling and can't access some links I have on my home computer, but try googling on gay marriage in Seattle. There's a really nice photoblog about 60 moments or something from the day weddings started there. Also some related links on that page. I'll be back home on Sunday. PM me or ping my wall if you can't find these and want em and I can post the links. I've posted them here before if you can make the search feature work on EC. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it. Ritor: He is definitely not out yet, and is positively mortified about telling his family that he has a boyfriend. His father at least would likely not be very supportive. He has however mentioned living together and telling his mother hes living with a special friend, but not explicitly that we are dating. He identifies as being bisexual. I think you are right in that hes still in the mind set of what is "normal" and what isnt, and the transition seems to be stressing him out quite a bit. greatwhale: I do my best to support him in his decisions and we have talked about exactly what i want out of the relationship and where I stand. I am just a bit hesitant about giving him much in the way of deadlines because I'm not sure he could handle them. He seems to be moving along slowly and getting more comfortable with me. Besides we kind of have built in deadlines where he will have to make some decisions as he graduates from college in may 2014, and has to decide what he wants from life. AKTodd: Thank you for the advice. I will try to look up some of those things and subtly show him to let the ideas filter in.
