Im Lost At A CrossRoad Dx

Warning: This will be long!!

Ok so i'm in the closet #1. Im 16 and bi. only one person knows that im bi. Lets call him Lucas.

He was my friend since kindergarden. and when we got older he got more in touchj with his father whom he doesnt live with. So he found out his father was dating and living with some girl and he would go to their house on weekends. She, his father's girlfriend, had a son and we'll call him Aaron. Aaron was my first homosexual encounter and though i specifically told him not to tell Lucas, he did anyways, later in life i found out it was a game. Aaron bet he could get me before Lucas could get my brother. and he did ! but as soon as Lucas told me he knew that i gave Aaron a hand job two days later i cut off all ties with Aaron. I was confused and i didnt even know i liked men until Aaron but when Lucas confronted and came out to me as well i denied everything and cowardly never talked to Aaron again (No more Aaron in the story :smilewave lol)

So fast forward about a half year later and i haven't talked to Lucas in about six or more months since. (Our communication was always sporadic, thats how our relationship was). I had spoke to Lucas a couple times after the whole Aaron thing but not much and never in detail about things. I pretty much denied everything anyways. But after six months of not talking he shows up at my doorstep (given he lived down the street from me) and asked to chill. of course i said yes and wanted to catch up as friends. now around that time i was just starting to try and piece my life together as any teenager thinks they should. so i was uncertain if i really was bi or not. keep in mind he admitted to me months earlier that he was bi. so we were walking around the neighborhood talking and stuff. its around winter time and we were cold so we talked about an hour then said our goodbyes and prommised to talk again the next day.

The next day comes and he comes to my house again to get me and we talk about current events, how our lives were etc. and i was up the night before thinking about telling him that i mightve been bisexual. so after an hour of talking i finally work up the courage to tell him. he obviously tells me that he figured i was and we continue with the conversation. we walk to this park area in our complex and there was this abandoned house/building thingy so we're chillen on the porch there. i bring up the fact that i think i MIGHT be bi and wanted to experiment. I dont know what got into me but i grew some majoy balls that day and i leaned in and tried to kiss him. he immediately jumped back and started to laugh, saying he wasnt ready for that and whatever. of course im embarrassed so i demand to know if he wants to help me fulfill my curiosity or not. and eventually after i cooled down he agreed.

Now i know this will sound corny and unbelievable from a teen but i swear when i kissed him that night nothing else mattered. we were making out on the deck for over and hour just kissing (of course we stopped to breathe ) lol but it was amazing. next thing i know its 11:00 and i have to get home or my mom would have my head. we didnt even realize but it was snowing and the temperature dropped and the whole way back to my house we're freezing and i didnt have a coat at the time and he did the nicest thing ever and gave me his coat.

I know this sounds too fairytale like but i swear to you its all true.
Then i offer to walk him home since he was being so nice but as we were walking onto his street my mom's car turns around the curb. i swear i through his coat back at him so quick :bang: i felt like an idiot. my mom yelled at me for staying out and all that because shes over protective but its understandable i was 14 and we had just moved into that neighborhood a year ago but whateva.

anyways so after that we hung out alot and stuff but nnothing escalated. i guess to him i was just using him to experiment but to me it was the best night of my life. i remember it all but im trying to make this short as possible. but i eventually kinda moved on and then had my first sexual experimentation with my girl best friend. we then dated for literally four days then broke up. But we're still best friends

so after months of communication and stuff we got alot closer we hung out alot and stuff and had soo much fun. the next year came by so quick and one of my other friends, we'll call him Tom. Invited me to go to the movies with him, it was around springtime 2012 i believe. Me and Tom were best friends but then he moved for like four years and moved back to my district so he wanted to hang out. I wasnt too comfortable though because he changed a bit so i suggested bringing Lucas since he was a mutual friend.We went to see Hunger Games and it was a great night of fun laughter and Taco Bell :lol: they both ended up staying over my house and since Tom took us to the mall as well he wanted to try on his new clothes. While Tom was getting dressed opportunity knocked so i took advantage of my and Lucas being alone. I asked him if he remembered the night we kissed and if he felt anything. He said maybe but i kept asking and i feel like i forced him to say yes out of pity or something. We ended up kissing again but it wasnt as special. of course i enjoyed it though.

That night we all slept on the floor together watching movies and stuff. I had homework so i ended up staying up later then them. i watched him sleep and i believe thats the night i fell in love. The next morning my mom was asking questions about their sexual orientation and i think i mightve outed myself a little when i was NCIS interrogating Lucas the night before :bang: i felt so stupid and still do lol.

We didnt talk as much after that night but when the summer came pretty much all communication with Lucas had stopped (once again!) so my life was confusing. especially because one day during the summer my family from out of state was visiting and he just showed up out of the blue! of course i told him we couldnt have much time but we talked and caught up but nothing big happened. i wanted to tell him that i had thought i fell in love with him and that i thought i was over it but everytime i see his face i fall in love all over again. but after that we didnt speak again until december !

I was on facebook looking for a friend that lived nearby to go around to houses offering to shovel their driveways for money with (snow had fallen hard the previous day). Lucas messaged me the day before and we oovooed and he told me some personal things with his family. and i've always been there for him because his family is really hard on him and pretty much abuse him and his dad doesnt see him anymore so i was always there for him. so i decided after asking everyone else to ask him, i didnt want to fall in love again cause i swore i would just get over him but when i messaged him this was the conversation

me: hey do you want to go shoveling?
L: idk maybe. idk if im going shoveling.
me: its ok im probably not going anymore anyways lol
L: i'll let you know i might want to but i just woke up. i'll message you.
me: ok lol
L: ima com ima just get in the shower quick
me: take your time lol im eating right now xD
L: f**k that i wanna see you so 20 mins or less
me: um ok.. xD

that was straight from facebook.

i asked Lucas about his last message when we were shoveling but he said it was just he wanted to catch up and stuff. :tears: i fell for him again and after we shoveled we went to my house. i was messaging this other really hot guy so the three of us messaged 3 way to each other. had soo much fun and he was right next to me the whole time while he's messaging sexual things to me and the other person. at one point we're both on my bed and i cuddle up under him. after ten minutes of cuddling he says he has to go and i ask why and he said cause he had to sh*t
:eek:
:eek:
i was soo disappointed. i thought if i had fifteen more minutes i wouldve told him how i felt but of course he left and we communicated weekly for a while and then it got distant again. not too long ago in May, i would say, Lucas was talking to some guy and told him all about me even my instagram page ! i wasnt to upset but when i asked him about it he denied evrything. around that time a good friend that the entire district knew had died and all of my district seemed depressed. I poured my heart out to Lucas and told him i was recently having trust issues and if he told me the truth then and there he would be forgiven and a bunch of dramatic stuff that when i look back on now i regret. so when i asked Lucas's "friend"/stalker if Lucas had told him about me and my instagram etc, he said yes. So i cut him off. I was upset about my friend's death and trust issues at the time i couldnt handle all that drama so i just cut him off from my life.

of course i still saw him in school and stuff but the most we've said to each other was excuse me or thank you.

Now that im re-evaluating my life im looking back and regretting most of the things ive said to Lucas and done with him :help: what should i do. I definetly love him but i doubt he feels the same. on top of that now he's going all emo and stuff and acting as if he's in the illuminate and i just feel bad everytime i see him. because he's told me plenty of times i was like the only one he could really express all his problems to and i just miss him and feel bad. idk what to do anymore with the Lucas part of my life. i was going to message him tonight saying i wanted to talk to him but it isnt that simple anymore because now he moved about 20 minutes away and i doubt he's really care what i have to say anymore.

please. if you read all this catastrophe. help me :help: :tears: :bang: :***:

 

First thank you for reading my long and crazy thread :icon_bigg

but its not that he's a mean guy its just he doesn't know how to express feelings. whenever i try to talk to him about his personal problems he would never answer the question directly or try to dodge it entirely. when i first confronted him about his feelings towards me and he seemed unsure but i pushed for a direct answer and think i might've repelled him a little.

yes he was talking to a random stranger about me. it wasnt like completely negative but he told him things that he knows that i keep private from people, even some people im close to.

im not out yet, and neither is he. he's the only person who knows about me and its hard sometimes communicating with him. especially since i also have strong feelings for him.

i regret making a big deal of the whole situation because i know he needs someone to talk to about his personal issues and i kinda just cut him off.. but maybe if he was a bit more open like you said i wouldn't be so quick to quit trying.. idk.

i messaged him telling him i wanted to talk in person and i'm waiting for a response. should i tell him everything i feel or just try to be his friend again?

---------- Post added 10th Jul 2013 at 02:55 AM ----------

Also i doubt we'll ever be in a relationship.. he's not that kind of guy but i do love him as a friend and more. Not a day has gone by that i havent thought of him and its hard just watching him become a darker person. Idk whether i should try again or its too late

 

I guess i want to tell him because I want him to know that there is someone in his life that loves him. He really has no one. His friends are all druggies and immature boys and i doubt he shares any feelings with them. I just feel bad because i know how hard his life is and i pretty much just up and left him without someone to be there for him.

I do believe he doesnt love me they way i love him but I've realized and accepted that. But if I don't tell him I really think that he'll just continue to throw his life away. Even when he and I were close and talked about him (his life and how hard it is etc) like everyday, he didn't really open all the way and continued to do things that i believe he does just to be noticed. I think by telling him how i feel would show him that im not just another one of his friends. And that i actually care.

Idk. Do i seem like i'm just being selfish and should let him live his life?

Its just i've known him since we were kids and now these days he tries to act like every other guy. But sometimes he slips up and his innocence shows and i always think of that little boy full of dreams and joy and love he once was. Idk. Maybe i'm just trying to force him to be the guy i want him to be.

To me he just doesnt seem happy. And i just want him to be the best he can but be proud and enjoy who he is. I also want him to know that he's loved. His entire family pretty much hates him and his friends are reaally nothing but drug buddies and they're just not good news (i know because i used to be friends with the same people).

Idk anymore. :bang: :tears: im completely lost and confused with the situation.

PS: Thanks for telling me the truth. I kinda see how i may be selfish and im looking at things differently now.

 

So I messaged him Wed at like 4 am this is what i wrote.

I know this is random. and I know i stopped talking to you & all that. And youre probably asleep but i need to talk to you. And in person. Are you free any time soon? Message me back when you can please. thanks.

And i think you're right. He hasnt answered and i doubt he read it but you were probably right that he just doesn't want to express his feelings. Maybe he knows thats most likely what we'll talk about and just doesn't want to. :eusa_doh: I'm so stupid. i think I'm just being too positive and seeing things the way i want to see them. Im not facing the fact that he's not who i think he is. ? Idk.