I started seeing this guy back in March (let's call him Bob) and we hit it off from just the first date. We went out for lunch that day and from then on things have just been amazing. He's been exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship and he says I'm his dream finally come true. There's quite a bit of an age difference between us seeing as how he's 47 and I'm 20 which I'm completely fine with and he said he was as well. So what's the problem? His ex (I'll call him Steve). He's recently moved to this area of Cali after growing up in Oregon his entire life and when he first got down here he met his ex and he says they instantly became best friends. They went through a full year of what he thought was them dating since they had sex, although Steve would rarely want to have sex with him, and constantly went out together. Steve was neither affectionate nor really caring much though. And as far as even letting him hug him in public he says it was a big no-no. About 2-3 months after they broke up, he met me. I do the things such as hold his hand in public, hug him constantly, and most importantly I don't hide our relationship as Steve did with him. Sure we get a few weird looks in public holding hands or when I give him a quick kiss but I've gotten him and myself comfortable with it to where now we make a game of it and try to guess which thing first caused the weird look: whether it being because he's white and I'm black, he's older and I'm younger, or the fact that we're gay. Last night though after he snapped at me a little since Steve had pissed him off earlier he gave me the dreaded line for every relationship "We need to talk" He had me laying on his chest and told me that while he loves being with me and everything that our relationship scares him. He knows that I'm basically exactly everything he's ever wanted but that he's scared since I'm quite a bit younger than him that when I hit like 30 I won't want to be around someone that's 60. I honestly wouldn't care but he doesn't seem to believe so and it doesn't look like I'm going to get the chance to prove it. He's afraid of being alone as he gets older and views his next relationship as the one he wants to be in for the rest of his life. For whatever reason, he views Steve as the safer route since they're pretty much the same age. When he told me this my heart just dropped. He went on to say that he's "not breaking up with me" but that he'd rather we don't have any intimacy whatsoever until he decides whether he wants me or Steve which to me is sorta a slap in the face because I'm done with being someone's second choice. I refused to face that in my last relationship and was lead on for two years because of it. I don't want that to happen again but I also don't want to lose Bob. I just don't know what to do.
Well, there's quite a few problems here. The first one is the difference in age - ask yourself: why does someone who's 47 years old think of a 20 year old guy as his "dream guy"? Relationships are about being able to spend time with and connect with the other person. The vast majority of 47 year olds and 20 year olds should not be able to connect on that level. You are in different stages of your life - you're basically starting to date, he wants to settle down. He's got the right idea, odds are Steve is a safer choice for him because they probably do have more in common. Similar stages in their life allow them to be more relatable. Just so we're clear, that doesn't make it anything wrong with you or what you've done, but rather an emotionally healthy 47 year old would recognize chasing after 20 year olds is not appropriate (which it sounds like he's possibly realizing). Regardless of the reason though, he still has feelings for his ex and isn't wanting to spend time with you right now. For me, it wouldn't be worth getting caught up in that drama, and you seem to agree. Are you more worried about losing Bob because you really care for him (ex. on the level of would be content with spending the rest of your life with him), or because you really like the idea of having a boyfriend? That answer may very well sort out your decision. I am sorry though, it must feel awful to seem like you're being used like that. (*hug*)
You have to respect yourself and leave him. I don't usually claim that someone must break up with someone, as I usually try to stay neutral and leave it up to them, but this relationship is bound to end badly on your end. On one hand, he truly does have a point. Even if you don't feel that you would have a problem with his aging attraction wise, there will still come a lot of ups and downs with such an age difference. He will statistically be on the last leg of his life before you even finish your forties. In regards to his ex, although it would be painful to consider, he does not want to be with him simply because of their similarity in age. There are too many single older gay men out there for someone to just settle for someone that don't already have feeling for. It doesn't sound as though he was completely over his ex when he met you, and his ex coming back into his life probably rekindled that fire. You have a long life ahead of you. Never allow yourself to settle for less than you deserve. There is no age limit on being a good guy, but you deserve a guy that can make you happy as equally for the extent of your life as his. You deserve a guy that only has you on his mind. Its better to end it now, than to waste another few months or years of your life.
I actually feel I wouldn't mind at all spending the rest of my life with him. He's a very amazing person. The reason I don't mind the age difference is because I've always been told and always viewed myself as older. Although I may only be 20, I have the mentality of probably someone pushing 40 so we actually are about to relate a lot. A lot of our hobbies are the same as well. I'm not really the average 20 year old guy and I really wouldn't mind settling down even being this young. Had my last bf not turned out to be an asshat I'd seriously have married him in a heartbeat. I don't really enjoy dating in the sense of being able to experience what it's like to be with totally different people. I want to settle down with one guy and the reason I tend to be attracted to older men is because of that. Most young guys either want a quick date or fuck while I'm looking for something long term. Extremely long term at that.
Update: Well we talked and he passed by today while I was at work which lead to me nearly crying on the sales floor. He wanted to go to lunch tomorrow but I told him that it hurts too much to see him so it'd be better if we don't see each other physically until he gets this all worked out. He says he'll have it done by Saturday so now I can only hope that it turns out good.
