I want to leave my boyfriend of 8 years

8 years is a very long time. I'd sleep on it and make sure that's what you want to do. Also I'd talk to your boyfriend and try and get his prospective.


However, if you've got your mind set, telling us is like telling a wall. You should tell him and talk with him.

just my 2c (*hug*) congratulations on beating cancer, good luck with the bf

 

What is he going through?

 

Hm. Ok. Just to sort of clarify things a bit here...

You've been together 8 yrs and during that time your bf has only bottomed for you once. Are you saying that you asked him repeatedly to bottom for you and he didn't or that you didn't indicate this was an issue and so the status quo was that he topped or something else?

When you learned you were in remission, did you tell him and all he did was come home late and offer champagne or did he not know until after he came home late?

Are you saying he's struggling with a new job and you don't want to worry about this because you want to just enjoying each day as it comes, or something else?

Are you asking for help in that you want us to talk you out of leaving him or something els?

Just trying to get a better handle on the situation.

Thanks!

Todd

 

I may be wrong, but I sense that there are some areas where you both have set patterns of communication that are less than ideal.

An 8-year relationship isn't nothing...have you considered couple's counseling?

Given the events you have gone through, it isn't surprising that he may have issues dealing with this, counseling could help put this in context, and is an opportunity to show that you care about the relationship.

In any event, it could help clarify how he feels about the relationship also, including his attitude toward the sexual issues you raised.

 

I hear you loud and clear. If he doesn't see a problem there is very little you can do...yeah, illness is one giant reset button in life, a major shift in perspective develops, and suddenly, you realize that life is too short for tolerating things that you don't need to tolerate...

 

I think you really need to reconsider breaking up, I mean, you guys have appearently been through so much, instead of just breaking up, do whatever is possible so save your relationship.

 

8 years is a long time. don't do anything you'll regret.
talk. if he doesn't want to talk, force him to.
you need to have communication, try to understand each others feelings.

no relationship is set in a happy stone. its not all about having perfect sex or smiles, its normal to go through rough patches, argue, upset each other. but part of being in a relationship is getting through it and reminding yourselves why you love eachother in the first place.

A lot of people end up jumping from one relationship to the other because the moment any problem arises they run from it rather than face it. that's not what relationships are about, its not just about being there for the good times and then leaving as soon as things get sour.
that's not love, its convenience.

i'm sure you two must really love each other to have been together for so long. (correct me if i'm wrong) your love for eachother can (hopefully) get you through this.

Unless that love is completely gone, i wouldn't recommend breaking up without at least trying to solve your problems.

goodluck and i hope it works out for the both of you.

 

Congrats on getting through the cancer!
and awesome, you are also from south africa

My advice is to talk to him about it and see what he thinks. Maybe it is best to give it a break, but the best would be to discuss and see what he wants too.

I know it won't be easy. Good luck (*hug*)

 

I wish you the best and I am so happy you have overcome such a terrible thing like Cancer is I admire you, and I thank for people like you who have the strenght for going on.

 

amen to that ^

 

It's great to hear of your good new congratulations, being in a long term relationship and 8 years in your case you would have shared so much together and have you thought that what you went through having cancer and the chemo has impacted greatly on your boyfriend ?
It could be because he cares so much for you and is still getting over the whole thing, give him chance and see what happens.
When someone is ill then it does also have a huge impact on the people around you that care so try talking about things and I hope that it works out for the both of you.

 

I don't want to criticize you but take this from a single man, you've been with him for eight years, I would kill for that. But a big issue it sounds here is communication. You're expecting a lot, you're expecting a big celebration, you're expecting him to know you don't like topping, you're expecting him to understand you but if I were him? I wouldn't understand you either because you're keeping everything bottled up and then just hashing it out on here. My grandparents have been together for almost 65 years. One thing they always told me (before my grandmother got dementia and grandfather got Parkinson's) was what kept them together was constant communication.

I mean you've maybe seen the "meme" though I'm not sure I'd call it a meme, but there are so many elderly couples quoted as saying in their day, when something was broke they fixed it instead of just tossing it out. Things have changed in many years, hence the rise of divorce. But to me, the thing being broke is what I'm seeing. Cancer caused difficulty between you. It caused him to try and be there for you while also trying to get integrated in a new job and such and then there's you having issues with him not talking or what not.

I think couples counselling could work. I mean you just acknowledged saying it won't work because according to you there's nothing wrong. But clearly there is, you've acknowledged it and you should go somewhere to talk about it. As for the sex...you just admitted you've bottomed time after time, did you ever think that maybe the reason he never bottomed despite you buying him toys and asking is perhaps because you bottomed so often, he thought you were just used to it?

As for your partner's inability to know how you feel, tell him. Did you ever think he doesn't know because you're here on EC telling us when it should be him you talk to? I mean it looks like you just joined our forum this month. You're talking to us, total strangers when you have him who's been with you for eight years. Oddly enough this reminds me so much of Desperate Housewives' couple Tom and Lynette. They took a separation (not saying I want that for you) and during it they both realized, despite Tom dating someone, they love one another. When they separated their problems looked huge because they were smack there against it. After taking time they realized who they were and realized how much they loved one another. Again not suggesting a separation because you can rekindle your love, but it may need counselling to do so.

I don't know if any of my words made sense lol but I hope it'll make you rethink your ending of the relationship. Finding someone is difficult and finding someone when you're gay is even more difficult. Don't give up something that's lasted eight years because you could regret it...