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The Exclusivity Talk, Part I

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AaronMed, Jul 13, 2013.

  1. AaronMed

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    Hey guys! Here comes another Sebastian thread.

    So we had Part I of the exclusivity talk yesterday over text after he brought it up. We've agreed that we're no longer single, but the details don't stop there.

    He started off by asking if we were to go into a relationship, would I want monogamy, polygamy, an open relationship, etc. I told him the truth - that I want something 100% monogamous. He said that he wants exactly the same thing, and we agreed that anything short of that would make us both uncomfortable. So that settles that - if we declare a relationship, it will automatically be assumed by both parties to be a monogamous one.

    He also said, though, that the idea of exclusivity freaks him out a bit. He said that that was not because he didn't want it, and he also made a point to make it really clear that this had nothing to do with me. He said that it was because one of his previous three relationships (the second one) lasted for two years and then his boyfriend broke up with him and said all sorts of awful, horrible, hurtful, mean-spirited things. He went on to say that these words landed him in a very dark place, to a point where he had to be hospitalized because he became a severe suicide risk.

    I told him that he could take my word that I would never hurt him under any circumstance because I'm not like that, which is true. He thanked me for the kind word, but said he had difficulty because that's what the other boyfriend said and he was really mean. I asked him if there was anything I could do to make him feel more at ease, and he said that we could just keep going as we have been and that'll make him more comfortable, so I said okay.

    He wants to talk about it more in person, when we have our third date, so when that happens I'll post two threads, one about my third date and the other titled The Exclusivity Talk, Part II.

    In addition to this, he made a point of saying that "whenever I say "I love you", you should know I really mean it". Am I reading too much into this, or is this actually a roundabout way of saying that he thinks he'll get to that point in the near future? At any rate, I told him that that was good to know, and that because I'm a shy person I'll probably wait until he says it first. I also said that if he says it, there's a 99.99% chance I'll say it back right away.

    Also, we've decided to keep and open line of communication between us so that if either of us has something on our minds, we can just tell the other without fear of judgement or consequence.

    And a last-minute side note: I told him that I was uncomfortable with having to initiate all physical contact and said I'd really like it if he initiated some things. I gave him an example and said I'd really like it if he held my hand. He told me he wished I had told him sooner and of course he would, so that puts my mind at ease on that respect.

    So, what do you guys think? Is there anything else I could be doing to make him more comfortable?
     
  2. BudderMC

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    Two things come to mind:

    1) This is largely personal opinion, but I don't believe in the whole "I promise I will never do anything to hurt you" thing. That's not directed at you specifically either, I mean in general. Maybe I don't believe in promises, but I feel like making such a large and widereaching declaration when you still hardly know each other and still aren't officially in a relationship is a little much. To me at least, it makes more sense to just take the relationship one day at a time rather than "forever" at a time, if you know what I mean. Focus on the love and care you have for him now, not the love and care you'll have for him 2 years down the road when he's worried he's going to lose his boyfriend again.

    Though again, that's all my personal opinion, and I expect some people would vehemently disagree with me. Might be something worth thinking about though.

    2) Stop overthinking all of this. It's great that you're invested and that you're communicating well, but that's really all you need to do. The more you worry and the more you focus on what "needs" to be done in this relationship, the less you get to enjoy it. Life is about the ride, not the destination - isn't it?
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Yeah! another Sebastian thread! :grin:

    I think it's great that you communicate so well. I understand now a little better the dynamic. The guy I recently broke up with was very hesitant to use the L word because he had been hurt several times in the past (we broke up, not because of that, but because he had crossed certain boundaries that were unacceptable to me).

    The only thing I can say is go slow (I know this is a challenge for you!) but especially now, because he is a little gun-shy, you need to really expect (and respect) that it will take him some time to come around to saying that he loves you (although he may already feel it), because once he does tell you, he will definitely mean it!

    Best of luck!

    ---------- Post added 13th Jul 2013 at 05:47 AM ----------

    Wholeheartedly agree with BudderMC on this, I tend to avoid promises that are over-sweeping. Fact is, relationships have a flipside to the coin of romance and they will inevitably involve some pain and disappointment (it's the nature of the beast).

    Of course, we have no intention of hurting the ones we love, until we get hurt...and lash out at those closest to us. Just promise each other one thing: that you'll do your best to communicate respectfully and honestly, that should be good enough...
     
  4. Ettina

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    This is a place where actions will speak way louder than words. And it will take time. Just be patient with him, and continue showing by your actions that you care about him and will not hurt him, and eventually he'll come to believe in it.
     
  5. AaronMed

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    Thanks guys, you're probably right :slight_smile:. I'll continue to let my actions speak for themselves. It's the little things - like I got him a rainbow Mickey Mouse keychain from Disney World because he loves Disney and rainbows.