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So, my mom finally knows, now she's worrying WAY too much

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, Jul 17, 2013.

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  1. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    So finally, my mom figured out I was gay, I didn't entirely tell her, she just said she knew, I hugged her and she told me that she'd love me no matter what, and there were no awkward as :***: questions, at least, at the time there weren't...

    Last night, Well, I heard her crying in the shower, I tried to listen to see what it was about, then she stopped to get out and I ran back to my room, later she got out of the bathroom and was still crying, she made a couple of excuses, then she eventually said "I'm scared for you, back when I was a kid people would get killed if they even thought somebody was gay, and there are still people like that around here" When I know for a fact, that most of the people at school wouldn't give a single :***: about it.

    Then, she started asking questions, one, about how two guys, well, you know. Another was about how gays were the first community to show AIDS, I was disgusted, she just kept making the point about how I could get killed, she wants the best for me.

    My mom also said that she didn't want me to go and tell everybody, which is funny because I told her I didn't care what anybody says, I guess she does. I guess she's ashamed of having a gay son -_-

    I told one of my friends this and he said that if she mentioned not being able to control your :***: that I should "Tell her to chill. Ask if her :***: leaks after to shut her up."

    So just a while ago, I showed my mom this game I saw months ago on the kinect that hones self-defense skills, here it is:
    Self Defense for Xbox 360 | GameStop

    Then, she later asked if I wanted to take self defense classes... which I don't really want to do.

    Tomorrow, I'm going to my therapist, and I asked my mom to come back with me. If my mom asks about the not being able to control your poop again, I won't hesitate to shout what my friend said to say at her and walk out the damn door.

    So I guess, I kinda need advise on what I should do right now....
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Jul 17, 2013
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    She's going through the stages of loss (loss of perception that you're straight.) So naturally, she's going to fear the worst, and worry... she just needs time and support. I'd print out some PFLAG brochures for her, and see if you and she can go to a PFLAG meeting together. That will do a lot for her. And perhaps your therapist can reassure her some, as well.

    She'll be OK, she's just trying to reconcile a sudden shock... even if she thought she knew, you confirming it makes it real and undeniable, and so whatever pent-up feelings are there... she now is processing.
     
    #2 Chip, Jul 17, 2013
  3. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    I've checked MANY times, there are NO PFLAG meetings nearby, or anywhere nearby except in Dallas, and my mom hates driving all the way there.
     
    #3 MtnFr3sh, Jul 17, 2013
  4. BryanM

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    Even when I told my mother, who was fully accepting, she had some pretty odd questions and things to say as well. First, she said she was scared for my well-being, didn't want someone to hurt me, etc, to which I responded I don't let negative people to get to me and I can handle myself, so she was fine. She didn't say anything about AIDS, but might have hinted at it, and then she asked me who else knew she was shocked I told so many people before her, but it was just what I was comfortable with.

    She might be going through the 5 stages of grief right now, which is what some people do. Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief

    Anyways, I don't really have much advice to give, since I'm not the best at giving advice. I hope things go well tomorrow(Or today, I guess) for you. (*hug*)
     
    #4 BryanM, Jul 18, 2013
  5. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    Thanks, it's 3:15 here, got to get up in 6 hours, I'm a nervous wreck
     
    #5 MtnFr3sh, Jul 18, 2013
  6. LD579

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    If I may add onto what Chip and Paradox15 have said: I'd suggest that you don't yell at her. Presumably you've had a while to figure this all out and become comfortable with yourself. She hasn't had that time. It sucks, but excuse at least some of her more odd behaviour, or, at the very least, try to stay calm. Things could escalate quickly if you walked out the door (Kind of disrespectful) or yelled at her (Loudness escalates stuff easily).

    Just my two cents~

    I hope you had a nice sleep, and I hope things go well for you =)
     
    #6 LD579, Jul 18, 2013
  7. Femmeme

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    I agree with the others, she's working through the stages of grief. Try to be gentle with her and calmly explain to her that the world is different now. It is different by the way, the changes I've seen during my life are staggering, but I've been paying attention she probably hasn't and thus is stuck in a very outdated view of what the world is like. Like the thing about poop, that was actually accepted as scientific fact not that long ago. We might know it as homophobic disinformation, but plenty of people my age and older DON'T.
     
    #7 Femmeme, Jul 18, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2013
  8. BiPenguin

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    She's right about the past. That is why I chickened out of going steady with a fella I liked despite us liking each other as here in Sydney(Aust) there was a big problem with bashings and the Police didn't bother with it nor with the murders.
     
    #8 BiPenguin, Jul 18, 2013
  9. Straight ally

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    Try not to fight with your mom, she is just loving you in a annoying way. A good idea is to instead write her a letter where you explain everything, and i mean everything related to being gay. Maybe you can do it in a question and answers format: you put some questions she has asked and below it the answer, that way you can help her understand e everything better. A letter has the advantage of you being able to think things calmly and giving coherent meditated answers.

    :goodluck:
     
    #9 Straight ally, Jul 18, 2013
  10. chrisV

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    i agree with everybody else, just don't yell at her. she is probably already upset, and fighting is just going to make it worse. you just have to be calm, and talk with her calmly. and no, it's highly unlikely anybody will attack you. the poop thing isn't true, and most gay people don't have aids. let her know that you're going to be fine.
     
    #10 chrisV, Jul 18, 2013
  11. MtnFr3sh

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    :help::help: _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-UPDATE-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- :help::help:


    Okay, everything went well at the therapist, that gross ass question wasn't brought up (thank god) and we talked a few things out, about her worries, I said how I wanted to take part in the fight in society, and she cried a little because she's worried for my safety.
    I also said I'd like to be more open at school.

    Well, about 20 minutes ago, we talked a bit more, she asked if I was going to want to dress gayly, in gay clothes and shit and I laughed and said no, because most of that stuff isn't my thing, then she asked what I meant by saying be more open at school, I told her that when I said that I just to be honest about it, life if somebody asked about it I could just tell them. She asked if I was going to try to start a "gay club" at school, she kinda said it condescendingly, I know she didn't mean it, but then I kinda crossed my fingers and said no.

    Then, she started getting a touch upset and said how if she was still married or if there was a guy around he would have told me to "cut that out" and "You will have a wife and kids, forget this nonsense" She said she was too soft on me and let me be myself too much...

    She kinda cried and said that she wished I wouldn't tell anybody in highschool, that that is the sort of thing you do in college, but not highschool, she then tried her all powerful guilt trip and said "You're not going to listen to me, you're just going to exactly what you want"

    I know she's going through the grief process, however, this stuff is kinda starting to get back to how she was before, kinda mean and guilt trippy, help me again, please...
     
    #11 MtnFr3sh, Jul 18, 2013
  12. Zam

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    Contro.... controling your whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
     
    #12 Zam, Jul 18, 2013
  13. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    I get it, life, but I can't just stand up to her, I live with the woman. She's always stressed out and can't really handle anything well, if I stood up to her, I'm pretty sure she'd crack. She's so stressed, she's tales about suicide where I'd get her life insurance and she'd stop hurting from RA and Lupus, and I'd be able to pay for college with it. She finally signed up for therapy for herself, but, she doesn't handle stress well at all
     
    #13 MtnFr3sh, Jul 19, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2013
  14. Chip

    Chip
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    You're definitely in a tough spot, but it sounds like she's actually doing pretty well, considering you just told her a few days ago.

    I think as long as you continue to engage with her and gently but firmly hold your boundaries, she will come around. And if she starts therapy, hopefully she'll start to realize her own boundary problems, and that should help things as well.
     
    #14 Chip, Jul 19, 2013
  15. Femmeme

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    Just remind her it's not anyone's fault and it's not anything that could have or can be changed, and then ignore her nonsense.
     
    #15 Femmeme, Jul 19, 2013
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