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I don't like her but I love her?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SohoDreamer, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. SohoDreamer

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    Location:
    Leeds, England
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    All but family
    I can only assume this is relatable. My best friend is a girl in my year who I got to know a little over a year ago, and we became close fairly quickly. In around autumn-winter, we became basically inseparable and would tell each other everything. We'd talk every day and were ultimately just completely comfortable around each other, partly due to the fact we're so similar and share many personality traits and interests.

    Things seemed so simple. Talking to her came natural to me and I'm not an especially outgoing or confident person. Normally socializing comes as an effort to me (although I've got significantly better in the past year) but with her, it was always something I wanted to do and I never doubted her mutual interest in me. I finally felt like I had a special best friend who I could truly connect to on so many levels.

    But a few months ago, something changed. Not something I could place my finger upon and I can't define a single moment within which this change occurred but it was significant and it made a sharp alteration to the pure warmth I previously associated her and I with.

    One problem was with her and boys. I suppose this is a common problem with platonic best friends of the opposite sex (or sexes who are attracted to each other). There was this one guy she had an on-off thing with for a few months. I got stupidly jealous of this guy. When she was with him, she'd start to ignore me and ditch me for him on more than one occasion. He would then hurt her unceremoniously, she'd come crying to me, he'd then decide he wanted her back and she'd go back to him without blinking an eye. Eventually he hurt her so bad that even she wouldn't go back to him but now she's embarked on a thing with a guy that can only end in tears, but she's so fucking naive and innocent to the point where it gets infuriating.

    The obvious decision would be to confront her about this, no? But it's never that simple. She never does these things in an obvious or blatant manner. It's almost impossible to describe, but she does it very subtly, in such a way that when confronted she always manages to make me feel like the bad guy. Every time without fail she does this. Just last Friday we went to a party and she got stupidly drunk and did some bad things that really irritated me and the next day I tried to talk to her about them, and yet again, I ended up feeling bad and forgiving her without solving any of the issues I had.

    We also argue more than we initially did as best friends. I feel like I get on her nerves when there was never even a flutter of a worry about that a few months ago. I feel like she prefers other people to me and there are many things she does, both in her actions and her words, that make this obvious that I'm not merely being paranoid. And yet, as I previously stated, she does everything in such a subversive manner that I can't actually confront her about it because she always has an answer and blatantly denies everything and I can't prove her wrong because she technically gives the right answers.

    I disagree with most of her decisions, she does things that are in many ways abhorrent and I don't really like the person she's become/is becoming. Despite all this, I still love her. But it's not really a pleasant love. It's kind of like an angry love. I just get jealous and spiteful and things like that. When we're alone together now, conversation doesn't come to a halt but it doesn't feel totally natural to me and I don't enjoy it so much as I used to. She's kind of cold and ambivalent towards me and yet extends her joyous warmth to others all the time and any time I try say anything she immediately makes me feel guilty.

    Does it make sense to dislike someone and love them at the same time?
     
  2. Lunarchy

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    I know what you mean. I don't think its so much as dislike and love, more as a combination of love and anger. You love her, but you are angry at her because she seems to have forsaken you as a friend.

    Seeing that you are seventeen, I can only assume that she is of a similar age, and I can only say that some teenage girls are... well mental, it's not really something to take personally. I sure had my mental days around that age, and although it was a different kind of mental, I can say safely say I was afflicted with "Teenage Girl Syndrome."

    The best thing you can do is to be there for her like you always have, don't try to confront her, teen girls often don't see things rationally, sadly, but they do take notice of kindness and support. You won't be able to force yourself upon her, the more you force yourself on her, the more she will pull away, you kind of have to let her come to you. The closer two people become, the easier it becomes to form a relationship. Don't worry about her becoming another person, sometimes people do these sort of things as a sort of journey of self discovery. Be patient, and if he truly does hurt her, be sure that it's you that she comes to ^)^
     
  3. Gen

    Gen
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    It definitely makes sense. Its a very common situation to be in with either platonic or romantic types of love. You care about them because of what you have and still feel for them, but in regards to who they actually are in the moment, you mainly despise them. I've been there before.

    Ultimately, you don't have to end the relationship, but you have to let go of a piece of it. You have to slowly teach yourself to stop being so attached to her, for the sake of your own sanity and happiness. I have found that some people tend to frustrate me more when we are extremely-close-friends rather than just friends/acquaintance, because then I don't have to deal with the negative parts of their personality all of the time.

    In reality, she might not be that bad, but going from the person that you initially began the friendship with to who she is now an definitely change the dynamics of things. I would just ease off. Don't be the first to text her. Don't be the first to invite her to hang out. Just ease off and give it some time. Personal space often brings clarity.