Warning: Whole mess of troubles coming on! The title should read: "Is maintaining my relationship with my mother important?" but I shortened it because I felt that would be too long THE STORY Well, growing up my mother was, to put it lightly, an abusive-drunk-drug addict. And let's just say that those abuses included several different categories, including one such instance with a man. Anyways, point being, she was never very motherly, and led to me running away when I was 14. Recently, however, she decided to get 'clean,' quitting drinking, going into rehab for her drug abuse, and all this and that. She even tried to patch things up with me, and "make amends with her only child." After much soul searching, and debate, I finally decided to let her back into my life, I mean, she was my mom right? I heard it was important to maintain a relationship with your mother. In 2011 I came out, and started dating my ex-girlfriend Lola. My mom, to my surprise, seemed really supportive about it, my grandfather was a loyal member of the Nazi party, and my mother wasn't exactly ashamed of him, but I'm not really going to go into that, point is, it was surprising how open she seemed to the idea. Then, recently, she showed her true colours. Telling me that this "Fad" Had gone on long enough, and that I needed to abandon these "Sinful ways" and that she would not have a "Perverted Deviant" for a daughter. What she did to me as a child was disgusting! Even therapists I visited looked disgusted when I mentioned it! and she has the AUDACITY to tell me how to live my life? People keep trying to tell me that I should re-connect with my mother, that I should somehow maintain a relationship with her after all this, but I want nothing more then to estrange myself and never talk to her again! Anyways, what do you guys think? (Sorry for the emotion there at the end, I got a little angry, had to delete half my rant just so I didn't get banned lol)
LOL, from your title, I was going to reply "She gave birth to you, so yes." However, just giving birth to a child doesn't make a woman a "mom" in the sense of a loving caregiver and role model. You should not feel obligated to spend time with her if she is making you feel uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure there are lots of gay people who have been ostracized by homophobic parents, even those who didn't do drugs or commit abuses (though, it definitely seems that homophobia often goes hand in hand with abuse/intolerance). You don't have to completely cut off communication, but you can definitely avoid physically being with her if it causes you more stress.
Yes well, I was getting rid of some of my old junk, and I found this Mother, and i was like... do I really need this? ^)^
First of all I would like to point out that it requires great courage and great sense of generosity and understanding to allow people who have treated unwell back into your life. You have my absolute adoration and admiration for that. I think you are at an age where you can decide for yourself and that you are financially independent from your mother. I think it's best that you sit down and talk with her once again and ask her why does she feel this is sinful. And if she brings up that Bible stuff and doesn't accept arguments such as the fact that it was written by flawed mortal men then you have few options. You can maintain a relationship with her but while you're around her don't talk about your relationships and your girlfriend, lover. People may see that as being being rude and unaccepting but some people who were raised differently and have a different mindset can only change so much. Or you can cut the relationship with her, it's not the best thing to do, but it is necessary for your happiness if you aren't the type who would live your life in unhappiness for the happiness and comfort of another. I'm still quite young, and I have a horrendous relationship with my father (nothing to do with my sexuality, he doesn't know nor does anyone in my family) but the way he treats me makes me throw up at times and I've never really had an issue with him going on long business trips. So I think you can relate in a way. I'm really sorry that this is all the advice I can give. Good luck.
There are thousands of ways to make excuses for people and to put yourself last on the list but it's really important that you consider how the relationship affects you. Based on the information you shared, it sounds like a toxic relationship to me. That's not to say that she could never change but it appears that at this time she is may not be quite in the place to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship. She has done terrible things to you and you don't have to feel obligated to allow her to hurt you more because she is your biological mother. You should know that this wasn't meant in a harsh way, but an honest one. Whatever you decide to do, you have my support if you need it.
You know, you guys have given me a lot to think about. I am going to cut all ties with her, until such a time that she can learn to accept me for who I am, because if she won't accept me, than why should I accept her? Thank you all very much for your advice! I really appreciate it ^)^
Wow you know I have had a similar experience with my mom except for the nazi thing ad I don't talk to her at all. I don't even really care to be honest. I don't want to give you bad advise I know people say its not good to hold anger but sometimes it's just good to point your anger at the people who have hurt you so you don't go around being angry at everyone else all the time. Also I'm a mom now and I have a very good relationship with my son he is the most important person in the world to me. I think if your mom wants you in her life she should accept you for who you are. I hate that bible crap.. It doesn't make sense to treat your child that way because of a book that was written 2000 years ago
If your mom doesn't accept you, keeps hurting you and disappointing view, if she simply brings nothing positive to you, then i say you might not need her in your life.
I agree! Besides, where does she get off calling me a sinner? Even if homosexuality was a grave sin, I'm pretty sure the sin's she has committed are considered far worse >)<
Can I just ask why you have my life? Lol My mother has never abused alcohol or drugs, she is actually more of the polar opposite, but she is one of the most verbally and psychologically abusive individuals I know. I'll still be living with her for 11 more months(Not like I'm counting or anything....), but our relationship has really always been horrid. Now its getting to the point that she doesn't try to manipulate and say hurtful things as often because she knows that I have grown to a level that I simply couldn't care less. She still bad, but not as bad. (The sexuality and expressional judgement is still largely there) Its frustrating because you get to a point where you really don't have a desire to be around them anymore, but you don't really have that final push to be able to say "F-U I'm gone.", because things are better than they were. Though that still doesn't mean that things are how they should be. I find it so much harder to have a parent, that is truthfully fairly poor, but doesn't want to let you go; rather than a parent that would completely disown you. I've had one of both and its so much harder to have to be the one to cut the ties. I don't even know what I'm going to do about our relationship once I leave.
I believe in one more chance, which you have already given. I would forget about her, but me and you are different. She abused one of the most valuable things you could offer, after yourself. A second chancemaybe reconsider her in a year, but if she is like that, she doesnt deserve a daughter like you. I dont know you but im sure you're not rude or anything like that It up to you though.
