Two years ago I met this girl on a chat site, we hit it off and dated for awhile. We then later broke up because of some family issues on her side. We are also a long distance relationship and I would like to get back together with her. I feel like I can see myself with her and I would like to give the relationship an opportunity. She feels differently, even though she says she loves and cares about me she just doesn't see how long distance relationships can last. I've tried showing her that with hard work they can work but she just remains negative about the situation. This does frustrate me to no end because to me she should have some faith in our relationship if she actually does love me. She is also pretty negative about other aspects of life which does effect me, for example, she puts herself down a lot and I am the one that has to try bringing her back up. This takes a toll on me after awhile, it is mentally and emotionally draining to have to deal with these things day in and day out. These are some of the negative aspects to our relationship. Some of the positives are we get along great, we can talk about anything and everything. We have sexual compatibility, we want the same things out of life, we love and support one another in almost every aspect of our lives. I just can't get past the constant negativity and her unwillingness to try at not only our relationship but try to better herself in life. As of right now we are friends and we do fight a lot. Most of the time we fight about her doubts and negativity. I do love this girl and I am willing to put in the work to make us work and look past the negativity but I am not sure if it's really worth it anymore. I don't know if I should stick around to prove to her we can work and I will always be around or just cut my loses and move on. If anyone can give their opinion that would be great.
To be quite frank, based on your post, I'm not really clear on why you want to get back together with her. It sounds like the post drifts into talking about the negatives about the relationship, which seem pretty concrete, and that you almost feel obligated to add some positives afterward, which all seem pretty abstract. I'm not saying you have no reason to want to be with her, or that you shouldn't feel like you want to be with her - I'm just saying that when you described your situation here, it sounded like mostly a negative one. As for the long-distance thing. Some people can handle it, and some people can't. Sometimes people react differently to them at different points in your life. But it doesn't mean she doesn't care for you - it just means that a long-distance relationship isn't right for her at this point in life. It's possible that breaking things off was very difficult for her - who knows? In any case, as she's already made her feelings known, I think you really only have two options - refuse to accept what she's chosen and get in arguments to try to convince her to get back together, or accept her choice, decide if you want to be friends with her or not, and move forward from there.
You are right, I did feel obligated to write some positives. Only because I want people to see that it isn't only a negative situation, we do have good points. As far as the not accepting it, I really haven't done that. I have tried talking to her about the negative things because she wants to. I don't bring up arguments with her, she brings them up with me. She tells me that she doesn't want a relationship but she wants one with me. She leaves me hanging all the time. One day she could want something and the next day she doesn't want it anymore. The only reason I have stuck around through all of this is because I do truly love her. I do want to be her friend. I do want to be there for her. But it's a daily challenge to do this because of all the negative things she brings up. I have even tried leaving for good and stopping all contact but when I try she tells me that she needs me and that I'm just like every other guy by leaving. Which these things tear me apart. I don't want to leave her if she needs me and I most certainly don't want her to think I'm just another guy ready to leave and use her. But she leaves me in a very hard position. I just don't know how to fix this without either hurting her or let myself continued to be hurt.
On the one hand, this is pretty normal stuff to say when you're being broken up with. But if she truly means it - if she really feels like she does need you - then, coupled with the fact that she's always bringing up arguments and vacillates a lot on whether she wants to be with you, that would be a red flag for me. It's not healthy to literally *need* someone, especially if you then treat them this way. What if - and I hope it doesn't, but what if - something were to happen to you? A car accident or something? What would she do then? You can't be responsible for her entire well-being. You can share and improve someone's life, but you can't be the sole support. And honestly, another red flag. If you genuinely feel that this is the case, then it's probably time for the relationship to be over. Now, I don't mean to sound so negative. I completely believe that you care about her very much, and that you've stuck things out *because* you care about her and want to be with her. But what's hard to see right now is that, from the sound of your posts, this is making you miserable, and there's no reason why you couldn't be happy with someone else - someone who, say, would be sure about staying with you and wouldn't feel the need to argue all the time. Notice how you put it - "hurting her, or letting yourself be hurt." I think you're more right in the second half. You can choose to not let yourself be hurt - to be healthy, and move forward with life - as can she.
I do completely agree that we both need to be happy and deserve to be. According to her I am the one that makes her happy and she doesn't want to get back with me because she feels dead inside. Which to me I would like to change that. But she won't let me. She is the one that makes me happy too but I don't know if the happy moments out weigh the bad anymore. I also feel like if I leave her and make myself happy while she hurts then I am being selfish and this causes me a lot of guilt. Enough guilt that I stay even though it might hurt me to do it, because to me her happiness means more to me than mine.
Either she's happy being with you, or she isn't. From the sound of it, she isn't. And I don't believe it's selfish to make sure that you are happy when you are incapable of making someone else happy. Actually, if anything, I'd say it's each person's job to make sure they're basically happy themselves before relying on a partner to do so. I can't tell you to leave, and I can't tell you to stay. But based on what you've described here, the situation sounds very far from ideal. I suppose I can only say that I hope you're not ready to sacrifice your own happiness for hers, especially because she appears miserable when you do so.
