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Mom using celebs who have come out...against me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Revan, Jul 20, 2013.

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  1. Revan

    Revan
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    Hi all. I wasn't sure how to title this so I went with the above topic head because I think it fits best. Please let me preface this with saying I love my mother a lot but same time she can drive me nuts with arguments like this.

    My Mom is someone who thinks status is everything. To her it's all about how people see you and it can impact everything in your life. When I first came out, she almost kicked me out because she thought it would effect how people saw her.

    Nowadays however as I'm coming out she wants me to still stay in the closet and also like many parents doesn't get the gay pride parade, saying the usual "well I don't ask for a parade so why do gay people need one".

    But that's clearly not the main topic. What is the main topic is that whenever I do something with relation to gay things, for example my getting a job as a bar back at a bar, my Mom worries pictures of me in them could be seen by the wrong people risking my job. What's more she then brings up people like Anderson Cooper and how he didn't come out until much later in life because he "knew if he came out earlier it wouldn't bode well for his career" and says how even now he doesn't shove it in peoples faces. Or she'll bring up Jenna Wolfe, one of the former anchors on the Today Show on NBC. Mom seems to think Wolfe was fired because she had revealed about her having a baby with her girlfriend. Though I'm quite sure it's actually because NBC had been after the new host and when she became available they demoted Wolfe so they could give the other person the position and also they have better chemistry. But anyway, what can I do to tell my mother to get over herself and to stop using other peoples comings out against me? I mean I don't want people being used against me when she knows nothing.

    I just am sick of this being yet ANOTHER argument between my mother and I.
     
    #1 Revan, Jul 20, 2013
  2. srslywtf

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    My mother has different issues, but I've just given up - she will never see reason. I love her and cant cut her out of my life, but I am just trying to put as much distance between me and her as I can. (not necessarily great physical distance, just being too busy to be involved)
     
    #2 srslywtf, Jul 20, 2013
  3. AKTodd

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    You could try pointing out various gay actors and such who came out and then went on to by wildly successful (Ellen Degeneres comes to mind) since she seems rather obsessed with TV people. However, unless you're planning to get into TV and Film, I'm not sure what relevance that has (and btw, TV and Film have almost as many out gay people as Theater and no one cares). You could also point out the various very wealthy and successful gay men out there (David Geffen comes to mind).

    If you are out to everyone, then any employer will likely know you are gay long before they might see any pictures of you at some event or a previous job in any case.

    Coming at this from another direction, there is the direct approach.."Mom, get over yourself. It's my life and I will live it in any manner I choose. I'm telling you this as a courtesy, not to ask your permission, because I don't need your permission. Nor am I going to argue with you about this because there is nothing to discuss. We're done now."

    Or something like that. Some people seem to have the notion that because they produced a child they get some sort of say in the child's life forever. This is simply nonsense and sometimes they need a good swift (metaphorical) kick in the head to be brought around to the proper way of thinking.

    Todd
     
    #3 AKTodd, Jul 20, 2013
  4. KyleD

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    That's what I'm afraid of in coming out to my mom. She is so religious and our relationship could be irreparably damaged if I told her.
     
    #4 KyleD, Jul 20, 2013
  5. Revan

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    I'm sorry to hear that Kyle :frowning2:

    Todd, I think my only issue really is the fact I'm living with my parents again. I mean this is the price I pay so I don't have to work a job I hate, but still I don't tell my mom off because I don't want her to go into one of her usual spazzes and tells me to leave (which trust me...she goes into a spaz and it scares the shit out of me and so I back down. Which perhaps is an even bigger issue in itself, because I realize she uses my fear to control me but yeah...)
     
    #5 Revan, Jul 20, 2013
  6. Revan

    Revan
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    Any other words, people? Help would still be appreciated. Thanks.
     
    #6 Revan, Jul 20, 2013
  7. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hmmm.... Reading through your post, I am wondering if your mom is trying to find reassurances rather than use it as something against you.

    Not taking any sides here, but maybe try putting yourself in her shoes and try to understand it from her perspective. Instead of confronting her about it, maybe say/ask: "mom, I know you are worried, and there are things that scare you. But is there something I can say to you that would help you to understand that it is okay to be gay and out, and keep my job?" ... and see how she responds.
     
    #7 Mirko, Jul 20, 2013
  8. Revan

    Revan
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    Thanks Mirko. I don't have the job yet but I'll keep this in mind when/if I do get it.
     
    #8 Revan, Jul 21, 2013
  9. TheEdend

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    Honestly, I would rather just lie to her until you are able to get a job and out of the house.

    It just seems that its not worth trying to change or convince her at this point since anything you do will be shut down easily by the threat of you being kicked out. Until you are out of her house you pretty much have to either agree with her or make her think that you agree.

    Sorry that she has the need to control you so much :/
     
    #9 TheEdend, Jul 21, 2013
  10. Revan

    Revan
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    It's okay. Dealt with it for 25 years, I just liked it perhaps a little more when I was in London and her in my hometown. At least then the fact I was further away seemed to decrease the control because it was kind of an "out of sight, out of mind" type mindset. Now that I'm back at home (well...the new home lol) for her it's like I'm here so there's more control, etc.
     
    #10 Revan, Jul 21, 2013
  11. anthonythegamer

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    Tell her about Ellen DeGeneres and Adam Lambert. Both of them are very successful in their careers.
     
    #11 anthonythegamer, Jul 21, 2013
  12. Revan

    Revan
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    Yeah true.
     
    #12 Revan, Jul 21, 2013
  13. Steam Mecha

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    I'm sorry about this Revan, I know what's like to have a mom like that, Feel free message me if you want too.
     
    #13 Steam Mecha, Jul 21, 2013
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