1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Don't even want to deal with family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by clockworkfox, Jul 21, 2013.

  1. clockworkfox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,318
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It's like 3am and I have to go to a family gathering later, and I feel terrible saying this because we'll be having cake for my grandma for her birthday and stuff, but I've been thinking a lot.

    I don't think I even want to deal with these people anymore.

    They're all so unlike me, I've always been sort of the black sheep. I feel like nobody really cares about me, and they probably wouldn't notice if I was gone. Honestly whenever I'm around them I just feel worse somehow. When I stopped eating meat they gave me crap for that. When I couldn't finish school because my school didn't have the major I wanted they gave me crap for that. When I used to dress all nugoth all the time, they gave me crap for that. When I first got a boyfriend, they gave me crap about him. When I was unemployed for eight months because I couldn't find work, you know they gave me crap for that. And now that I've started wearing guys clothes, they've been judging me harder than ever. The last time I saw my grandma, she asked me and I quote, "What the hell is wrong with you? What are you wearing? Why don't you put on a nice dress?" :tantrum: And I don't dress badly either, I think. I know how to size guys clothes, and I never default to gym shorts and graphic tees, heaven forbid. (no offense to anyone that does default to these things, they're very comfy, I just feel self-conscious in them and generally try to dress semi-casual at all times) And my cousin, oh god, she just got engaged, and I swear to f:***:k, she can do no wrong ever. I don't mean that in the sense that she's fully flawed like the rest of us but hers are always overlooked, I mean that in the sense that she literally breathes perfection, grace, and femininity in a way I have never seen before. It's. So. Annoying. Because my aunt and uncle like to rub it in, just how amazing she is, and I'm sitting here, for all these years, pretending to be a girl, trying to keep up, trying if not to feel included then at least to not draw too much judgement and scorn in my direction. And it is beyond exhausting. And I can't do it anymore.

    I can't sit around in a room full of openly (and in some cases fanatically) religious and political people when I'm not, pretending to be a girl when I'm not, feeling bad about myself because I seem to fail at every opportunity while my cousins accomplishments are oh so modestly rubbed in my face. I feel like if I say or do or suggest the wrong thing, about anything, I'll get ganged up on. I don't want to stick out any worse than I already do.

    I know that once I'm out, it's only going to get tougher. I don't want to deal with them when I come out to my parents. Hell, I don't want to deal with them right now. I just kind of want to slip off and be anywhere else. :bang:

    Sorry, I don't even know why I'm posting this, I guess I just need to vent or something. Whatever.
     
  2. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Urgh, families! Really feeling for you, having felt obliged to go to such gatherings and be someone I'm not. Is there anybody there who you get along with; do you sant to go at all? If the answer is no, then don't go. It's not compulsory and you don't need to give an elaborate reason for it. If they cannot accept you and be proud of you for who you are then why bother?

    (*hug*)
     
  3. poppy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2012
    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I get shit like this from my family all the time. Maby its time to move away. Well that's what im doing anyway.
     
  4. Landion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2013
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Suburbs of Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sometimes, if it's possible, this really is the best option. Then you can be YOU and start your life and live in a way that makes you happy, surrounded by people who love you and support you.

    I go through this with my father's side of the family - only it's a bit different. I'm gay and my sister is a lesbian. I'm perpetually single, and she's civilly united with her partner. I have a dog, my sister just had a baby last November. I came out YEARS before my sister did. My mom's side of the family treats both of us how they always have. My dad's side of the family treats me like my orientation is contagious and my sister can do no wrong in their eyes. They honestly may think that I spread my gayness to my sister... so it's not her fault.

    My answer was easy - I consider mom's side of the family, actual family and dad's side of the family are just people that I have no choice but to deal with 2-3 times a year.

    In the end, just remember that you need to do what makes you happy.
     
  5. clockworkfox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,318
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks.

    Honestly, no, there's no one in particular I want to be around at these things. I really don't connect with any of them. But I went anyway, because I felt obligated to.

    Even if I can't move away, I really just want to move OUT. But that's really not feasible right now. If I can't move out, I want to at least come out, because I can't keep holding this in. But I'm afraid of what my parents will say or do. :\

    I guess I do need to do what makes me happy, but sometimes I don't know what that is.
     
  6. Amerigo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2013
    Messages:
    860
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    between land and sea
    it's ok to dislike them, we don't choose our families
     
  7. rose94

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2013
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Midlands, England
    Do you think they'll kick you out, worse even? If you're still dependant on them then sadly it's a case of preserving your physical well-being first. (*hug*)