Hi all! I've recently started 'dating' this guy (lets call him 'A') and we've been on two 'dates', have a 3rd one planned this week. However, this is my first time dating and would like your help to see if I'm doing it right. I'm 23, in my final year of college and will graduating as a doctor in December. I'm not out to my family, and only a couple of friends know I am gay. 'A' is turning 30, is really nice and looks gorgeous - blond hair, blue eyes, and a killer smile. I met 'A' 6 months ago while volunteering. I always thought he was straight, and we have always just acted professionally around each other. However about 3 months ago, I found out he was gay and dating one of my good friends, 'B'. Their relationship wasn't going so well and halfway through June (last month), 'A' sent me a friend request through facebook and invited me to 'catch-up'. So, I went out with 'A' thinking that he probably wanted advice on how to deal with 'B'. However, during our breakfast/brunch 'catch-up', we spent about 2 hours together and I fell for him at the end. We end up agreeing to watch a movie together. A week later, we watched a movie. It was great, and I got distracted so many times thinking about him throughout the movie - shame cause the movie was pretty good too. haha. We didn't talk for 2 weeks cause 'A' went overseas. He recently came back and we started messaging each other again. He finally confessed that he was gay and liked me. In turn, I told him I was gay too, but I stupidly didn't admit I liked him. =|. Anyways, we agreed to 'catch-up' again this week. Now, here are my problems: 1) We are both overly cautious. We keep arranging 'catch-up' or 'hang-out' sessions, rather than dates. Is this normal? 2) Does he really like me? I'm the typical nerdy type, but he is a real catch. He is obviously an expert in dating/relationships, but why hasn't none of them worked out? Also, he went overseas after our 2nd date. I turned 23 then, and he didn't wish me. He definitely knew cause I had a million people wishing me on facebook. 3) I really want to kiss him. After the movie, I saw him eat a mint and was looking at me a lot. I suggested we walk around the city, and around quiet areas but we never ended up holding hands or kissing. I want to make a move on this date, but I am new to this. How do you know he wants to kiss? When is the best time? Where is the best place? 4) Sex. If we ever come to this, would I be too pushy if I insist we both get tested before having any anal/oral sex? 5) Family. I am not out to my family. I spend a lot of time with them, and they would notice if I'm distracted or making plenty of excuses to see someone. Also, if 'A' and I end up being boyfriends, how do I invite him to important events such as my graduation? My mum had once said that she hated anyone who was gay and that no one in our family was gay. 'A' knows I am not out, and he says that I should only come out once I am comfortable. But, I still do not want to leave him out of things. Hope you guys can help me work this out. Thanks!
Congratulations, I wish you the very best. 1. There's nothing wrong with that, if you are both in the closet, then maybe that's the best thing you can do and when you become more comfortable, it becomes real dates. As long as you comfortable at the pace you and your partner is going, it's fine. 2. Going overseas to work can be tiring and it's difficult for people to access facebook or something, sometimes the nation he goes to completely blocks facebook and he would have difficulties contacting you. As for your physical appearance, if you worry about him not liking you because you look nerdy and he doesn't like you purely because of physical beauty then he's probably not worth it. Everyone has flaws. 3. This I can't help you with, I still haven't kissed yet. I suggest maybe at the doorstep at your apartment or his apartment. Usually the most private places, when you say goodbye, put your arms around him and kiss away I think. And do tell me how it feels. 4. No, if you are going to be in a committed relationship, you have the right to ask your partner to check out his STD's and he has the right to ask you to do that as well. You both have the right to know each other biologically before having sex, it's safe and responsible. If he doesn't want to do it and it's against your will, you're gonna have to part ways there. 5. You can always invite him as a very close friend that you made on campus, make up a few stories about how that time you pranked a professor and he ended up drinking soya sauce in his coffee, etc... so that you can tell your mother or something. And as you are becoming more independent of your family, I suggest you become more comfortable with your sexuality and once you feel brave enough, you should tell your parents. Make sure it's during a time where everyone is calm and comfortable. Enjoy your young love for each other, may it last forever. Good luck.
Thanks for your comments! He doesn't work overseas, he was recently there for a holiday. Will keep you updated as to what happens. Can't wait, but still nervous at the same time.
Do keep in mind that I am only sixteen, I've never been in a relationship and that I still listen to horrendous and logic defying teenage pop music. Good luck.
1) Yeah, I think that's quite normal. As long as you both are comfortable with it in the initial stages any who. I imagine it wouldn't be so appropriate if say, you were still saying that after dating for 6 months. But since it's still early days, yep, definitely normal. 2) Can't answer that, but I'm sure he does. Being the nerdy type isn't a negative, and you're becoming a doctor at age 23. I imagine that says a lot of good things about you personally. 3) You kinda just feel it. You already did, but you were understandably too shy to do so. I still think that's quite normal; I'm quite shy too and I usually always wait until the other person makes the first move. 4) Hmph. I'm probably gunna get people disagreeing with me, but I think it might be abit too pushy. I would be offended if someone asked me to get tested. But on the other hand, I do understand your reservations about the subject and as your medically trained, I can imagine that makes you more weary than most. It's entirely up to you and I suggest you follow the path that you feel comfortable with. If you feel uncomfortable doing sexual things with an untested guy, that's entirely in your right and if so, ask him! 5) Family tends to surprise a lot of people. This is a huge issue that I don't think anyone could give solid in a single paragraph. But for the short term issue, maybe make up something really simple? Say your friend is having a really tough time and is leaning on you for support, so you have to keep meeting him/her and occupied in texts because of it?
I can't tell you whether he likes you or not, or things of that variety - that's for you to determine. Second hand and over the internet, not to mention through your own personal perception, makes it next to impossible for us to say. I will, however, echo Azrael and say that it's never pushy to ask your partner to get tested. In fact I'd go so far as to say that if he won't get tested, you probably shouldn't be having sex with him. I've asked it of every person I've ever dated, myself, and for what it's worth nobody has ever had a problem with it. Besides, making sure you're in good health for your partner is a good thing, even a sexy thing for some people. Also, am I wrong, or did he just get out of a relationship with your friend? Is that an issue, either with your friend or with him (i.e., only recently becoming single)? Or not so much?
Thanks for all your help! He dated my friend for a bit, but nothing ever happened from that. My friend claims he is cool with it, but he could have said that just to be nice.
