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'Owned' by my mother, but living on my own.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Koll, Jul 22, 2013.

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  1. Koll

    Koll
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    Hey EC. I really need an outlet of advice.

    I recently had a trip to the US with my boyfriend, and coming back over the border to Canada I took possession of my own passport and his; as expected.

    I got home and there was this huge fit over it. My mother ended up raging, and leaving with my passport, his healthcard and my healthcard. She thinks this is okay.

    I'm also in debt to her for a vehicle in her name, and she paid slightly more than I did. I told her I was thinking about moving to the other side of town, and driving my boyfriend to work. She gets instantly angry, telling me she didn't loan me money for a vehicle so I can drive my boyfriend to work. Don't I own this vehicle, given I have paid 5400$ into it already?

    My mother has her claws dug into me I guess. She comes to my house every other week to 'visit' and basically takes over everything. I'm getting walked on and I'm being denied the right to my own ID, because "She paid for my passport" 3 years ago.

    I feel like this is going to get really messy if I stand up for myself, because I could find myself without a vehicle and a relationship tie lost. She's very controlling and I don't know what I can do.
     
    #1 Koll, Jul 22, 2013
  2. Azrael

    Azrael
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    Hi Koll, it seems like you're in a mess.

    I think you need to tell more about your story some details are still a bit unclear to; like where do you live, what is your current situation on finance, etc...

    I think you need to sit down and ask her what's making her angry or try to sort out what exactly is making her angry with you. Then maybe set some ground rules with her.

    I don't think you are at a point where you are financially independent from your parent. I think you burst out your anger on her.

    I wish I could help you more, but some details are a bit shady.

    Anyway I hope things go well for you and your boyfriend as well as your relationship with your mother.

    Good luck.
     
    #2 Azrael, Jul 22, 2013
  3. Koll

    Koll
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    I live with my boyfriend of a year, and I'm on my own lease. I'm financially independent and have worked at this particular job for two years, grossing an income of 32k. She lives an hour North.

    Trust me. I'm not a rebellious teenager who thinks 18 is the magic number. I've been out on my own for a year and a half now. I live in Canada if that is relevant. In addition for more clarification, I am not angry. I don't seek to cause problems with my mother or our relationship; I want what is mine.

    I've been trying for about a week and a half now to reclaim my IDs. I'm afraid to get the police involved.
     
    #3 Koll, Jul 22, 2013
  4. catatonie

    catatonie
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    How did she get your IDs?
    Is the car in your name?
     
    #4 catatonie, Jul 22, 2013
  5. Koll

    Koll
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    She had my SSN and Birth Cert as I had never previously asked for them. She had my healthcard in the US and Passport for convenience reasons during the trip.

    The car is a 2011 Corolla, paid at 12,500$

    I put 5400$ into it. She loaned the rest. When the vehicle is paid, it is said to be put in my name.
     
    #5 Koll, Jul 22, 2013
  6. catatonie

    catatonie
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    What do you mean "it is said.."? Do you mean SHE said she will put it in your name, assuming it's in hers? Did she buy it?
     
    #6 catatonie, Jul 22, 2013
  7. Azrael

    Azrael
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    I think it is a waiting game now, you should pay off the car and once you are done wth that I guess you start dealing with your Birth Certificate. I think you should approach her at a time where everything is calm and well. But worst case scenario you might have to get local authorities involved but that's the worst case scenario.

    On lighter note; it's great to see someone so responsible at a young age, I strive to me like yo. :slight_smile:

    Good luck.
     
    #7 Azrael, Jul 22, 2013
  8. Koll

    Koll
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    She paid out the rest for it, as I asked her for a loan. It is said to be my vehicle.
     
    #8 Koll, Jul 22, 2013
  9. Chip

    Chip
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    you're still not clear on what "it is said" means. If she's telling you it's your vehicle, then you should go to the DMV with her, put the title in your name, and ask the DMV to record a lien in the amount of whatever you owe her on it, in her name. Then, make sure that payments to her are made in some recordable form (check is ideal, you can note on the check that it's a payment on the car). If she refuses to do that, you could probably get a regular loan on the car, given that you have equity in it for half of the value. Then you could pay her back and not have to worry.

    The bigger issue here is she has *massive* control issues.

    As far as the SSN and birth certificate and passport, I'd say ask her one more time to provide them to you, and if she refuses, simply get replacements. Birth certificate might cost $25, and social security (if in the US) is either free or $10 or something. Passport is a little more complicated, but you can declare it lost and get a dupllicate for $50. I think I'd simply do that, as it takes her control away without having a big stink about it.

    As for the car, I would buy a Club (big ugly red steel thing that goes across the steering wheel.) That makes it impossible for her to come and take it.

    And finally, sit down and have a conversation and just set boundaries. If you're independent, you can basically dictate the rules, and if she wants to continue to see you and interact with you, she'll have to honor them... just be prepared for her to do anything and everything to try to take control. But once you set the boundaries and are clear (and kind) in establishing the limits, she'll have to honor them if she wants to continue to interact with you.
     
    #9 Chip, Jul 22, 2013
  10. Femmeme

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    Can you get a bank loan to pay off the rest of the car? Getting that squared away would make things MUCH easier.

    As for your IDs, report them as lost and order new copies. She only has the power over you that you give her. I know that's hard to believe but as someone with a domineering mother I had to learn it the hard way. (*hug*)
     
    #10 Femmeme, Jul 22, 2013
  11. catatonie

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    sorry I am just trying to determine how much control your mother has over it.
    it's paid off then, between you and her, and your name is on the ownership document, so your only obligations is repaying the loan to her? If you are the legal owner, you own the car regardless of how much she paid. If you're not the legal owner, and she is, then she technically owns it, even if you are the registered owner. That's usually what happens between parents and children. Do you know which it is?

    What are you doing to pay her back for the loan? Do you give her money every month, or are you waiting to pay her the lump sum at once? Do you know exactly how much you owe her, are there documents to support it?
     
    #11 catatonie, Jul 22, 2013
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