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I'm starting to hate myself again, and its because of her....

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MtnFr3sh, Jul 22, 2013.

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  1. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
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    Since my mom found out, she's been finding ways to make me feel shitty... She doesn't mean it, I know she doesn't, but still... She's still starting to make me hate myself again.

    Last night, she got to crying again, I would give you the complete script. But my mind has it's weird way of selectively deleting parts of what happen, I wouldn't call it repressing.

    But here's what I do remember...

    So, my mom has been upset lately about things, both her finding out I'm gay and after her mother died, one on her sisters got everything, threw away everything in their old house, like my mom's graduation pictures and stuff like that, and it was sold. She's upset about that because she said it's like someone just threw her whole life in the trash.... And on top of that she figured out I was gay, combined with her having Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and going on study drugs in hopes she'd feel the slightest bit better. She breaks almost every night saying she can't go on anymore. She wishes she was dead etc.

    I remember her saying that me being gay was her fault, because when she was still pregnant and her and my father were still married, my dad was all happy that he was having a son. like "I'm having a son, a son!" then my mom said "What if he turns out to be gay?" and apparently he said "How dare you say something like that" So she blames it on something she must've done while she was pregnant, or that jinxed it and made me gay...

    One of the things she said was "I wish you wouldn't tell anybody, but it doesn't matter what I want, you just need to be happy" Then I said, okay, I wouldn't tell anybody else, but then she said, "You're already telling people!"

    Again, I only seem to remember bits and pieces when things get like this....

    She also said she doesn't understand why people make a big deal about coming out, this part, I can give a script...

    Her: Why do people make such a big deal about coming out and telling everyone? It wasn't like that at all when I was your age (She's 53, born in 1960)

    Me: Because being gay isn't the norm, and other people are likely to make a big deal of it

    Her: Then why make a big deal out of being different? Just keep things like that to yourself!

    skip about two or three more minutes

    Her: When I was your age, school was about learning, nothing social, and about trying to get laid! Or um...

    At that point, I just decided to walk out, the reason she said that is probably because she found out I joined a couple of teen social networking sites, she seems to think I was trying to think of a way to hook up with somebody...

    I know my mom is trying to understand everything still, but the way she's acting, it's starting to make me hate myself :frowning2:
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Jul 22, 2013
  2. KingdomKeyDK

    KingdomKeyDK
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    Don't hate yourself. She's just trying to take it all in. Let her be for a while and talk to her after about a week or so about this. See if she is less emotional about it. She is also probably upset because of the family matter. Don't take it out on yourself. You shouldn't hate yourself for something that really isn't your fault.
     
    #2 KingdomKeyDK, Jul 22, 2013
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Part of the picture here is that your mom has made herself into a victim. Yes, she's got a lot of issues to deal with, but it's clear from what you've written (in this thread and in others) that she's very quick to take on the victim role, and no matter what anyone says or does, she's going to hold onto that... it's the only source of power she sees available to her.

    So it's tough. The important thing is to try and remember that this is her behavior, her view of the world, and to do your best to not let her victim mindset imprint on you. You aren't in any way responsible for her feelings, her situation, her depression or unhappiness. That's all on her. It probably won't do much good to tell her that, but it might be sensible to encourage her to go to therapy, as a lot of her medical problems most likely have their basis in her victim mindset.

    The best you can do for now is to keep talking about and venting your frustration, here at EC or wherever else you can. And remind yourself that you aren't responsible for your mom's feelings, and you deserve to live your life the way you see fit.

    I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's definitely no fun, but if you keep focusing on recognizing her difficulties and struggle, and why she says the things she does (it's all part of the "victim" mindset)... then it will have less effect on you.
     
    #3 Chip, Jul 23, 2013
  4. KyleD

    KyleD
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    I agree with everything Chip has said.

     
    #4 KyleD, Jul 23, 2013
  5. Straight ally

    Straight ally
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    It would be a good idea to write her a letter where you explain here everything in detail. There you can explain things such as: why its important to come out, why people do it, how otherwise it would make it harder to find other gay guys to date, how its good to find people that supports you, how it feels bad to hide such an important part of yourself, how you would like to find people to be able to talk about this and your experiences.
     
    #5 Straight ally, Jul 23, 2013
  6. Shadowsettler

    Shadowsettler
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    Just the way she says it makes it sound like she's more worried about your safety, and that she's not being homophobic or trying to make you hate yourself, hun. \\
     
    #6 Shadowsettler, Jul 23, 2013
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