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Letting go of someone 14 years after they left?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Milhouse, Jul 22, 2013.

  1. Milhouse

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    I guess I'm posting this primarily as a vent, but I'm open to general advice as well. I don't often make threads like this, but this is a very special case for me, I suppose. I'm trying to let go of my first ever love. I'm kind of a hopeless romantic, I guess you could say, when I really fall for someone. I've been holding on for 14 years now. Yes, I know I'm only 25.

    I'm a long-winded writer, so I'll share the story first but if you want to be quick, Feel free to skip down to where I put "The topic."

    The story:
    I grew up with this kid who I always thought of as a simply platonic best friend. I wasn't sexual yet, so I obviously never thought about him in 'that way' while we were together. I just knew that he meant the world to me, and I figured that we would be together forever.

    Well, shortly before I went to middle school (where I was going to be going to a different school than the one he was going to) he started literally running away from me. He would still talk to me or visit occasionally, but considering we used to sleep over at each other's places for years, it was much less than usual. I started seeing less and less of him, and by the time the sixth grade was well underway and I was totally lost and friendless in my new school, I was no longer seeing him at all. I even received word that when one of my brother's tried talking to him, the guy just ignored him completely.

    Well, seeing that he wouldn't even talk to me was a bit too much to bear, and I had a bit of a mental breakdown that winter that I still haven't truly recovered from. I sort of dissociated and broke off from reality, like a permanent out-of-body experience that still hasn't ended but gets worse or better at times.

    I didn't make very many friends in middle school, high school, or even early college. I had put all my eggs into that basket, so to speak, and I didn't feel free or open to being with anyone else. I was still devoted to the first friend. Up until a few years ago, I still just figured we were best friends and that was it, but more recently when I've looked back on it, I began to realize that I actually find the guy to be very hot and always thought of him as cute, handsome, or beautiful. I had fantasies of getting back together with him often. I didn't masturbate to the fantasies or anything, but they were just so moving and powerful to me.

    Well, 14 years later, he still hasn't said a word to me, or I to him. We even had a class together in high school where we sat next to each other all semester and never said a word to on and other. It really hurt me that he didn't want to talk to me. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to cry or reach out to him. I felt like I had failed him or something sometimes.

    I brought it up to the forefront of my mind a few years ago and really moved to a new level, where I began to see the relationship had always been slanted in his favor and how he might not have thought of me as such a close friend, regardless of how much I thought of him. I literally would have done anything for him, died for him basically. It just angered me that he would throw that out so willingly.

    Nowadays, I checked out his profile on Facebook out of curiosity and found that he's now married to a woman and has a really cute little girl that looks a lot like him. She even has his eyes, which makes me both happy and miserable when I see it.

    Realizing that I'm gay and finally telling myself that it's okay that I'm gay has helped me to realize that I was really in love with the guy all along. It was the classic gay boy fallling for a straight boy thing. He just had everything that I wanted -- the looks, the athleticism, the smarts. I wanted to be like him, but I found him irrestible at the same time. I used to stare at him when he wasn't looking. He caught me a couple times and was a bit annoyed.

    I really think it's possible he figured out I was gay, or someone else told him I probably was, and that that's possibly why he ran out on me? Because he was weirded out or at least knew that he didn't want what I was seeking (before I even knew what all I was seeking besides friendship)?

    Well, I don't feel like I can love anyone else at this point. I feel like that was my one shot and it's gone, and that's why I haven't been able to seek out any lasting, romantic relationships ever since that happened when I was still only 11. I decided that I had to let him go, obviously.

    I had a very emotional time a couple weeks ago where I basically told him goodbye, not to him, but to my memory of him. To signify that I was done waiting for him, I deleted a saved profile we had on a video game that we used to play together. We had played it off and on for years, and we had gotten to the very end, but hadn't beaten it yet when he left me. I left that for him, imagining how awesome he'd feel to see that I'd held onto that for him, keeping his seat warm basically, for 14 years while he went off and did whatever.

    So yeah, I turned on the game, entered the profile I hadn't dared to play or remove in over a decade, and beat it real quick. In tears, I then said goodbye to my first love and deleted the game for good. While that may seem climatic, and it kind of was, it's not just easy sailing obviously from here on out, hah.


    The topic:
    So, here's the advice-seeking part: How do I move on from this? I've been trapped in what was really a childhood crush over a dead relationship for all of my adolescent and early adult years. I was waiting for him, keeping myself free of other friends and relationships because I held onto this sick belief that he had to be eventually working his way back to me.

    Even though I had a dramatic ceremony of sorts to get rid of him and tell myself, and the memory I have of his spirit, that I was done waiting for him, that I know he's straight and can't be who I want him to be, I still feel like I can't go on. Of course, having sensory issues and being hypersensitive to noise and commotion doesn't help me go out and be very social, but I still feel like I can't approach anyone. In fact, I'd much prefer that they approached me, but people so seldom ever do.

    I'm 25. I don't leave the house a whole lot. I'm most comfortable lurking around the side of the room in a crowd, or not even being in the room at all. I don't feel like anyone is safe to approach and talk to, and I've never asked or been asked to go on a date, so I've never had anything close to a romantic relationship aside from that childhood friend, which was obviously only one way.

    Should I try to break out of my comfort zone and approach someone (aka: panic attack city, lol)? Should I play the other role, the one who gets approached, waiting for someone to approach me and basically rescue me from myself? I'd prefer the latter, but I get pretty discouraged in thinking it'll never happen.

    Also, another thing that has come to mind, although I'm currently against doing it: do people think I should try to communicate through Facebook with that first friend? Let him know that I've discovered my feelings for him and am no longer very mad or upset with him for leaving and not handling it the way I would have rather it had been handled, with a goodbye and/or a reason? I don't do it because I think it'd just be unnecessary exposure to further heartbreak to me. On the other hand, perhaps it'd smooth things over and we'd no longer be 'afraid of each other?'

    Anyhow, even my 'skip to the short part' version failed, lol. I write a lot, but I want to explain it all so that people can have a better understanding if they are interested. Any advice/support would be welcomed, but the 'getting it off my chest' part was pretty valuable alone, hehe. :slight_smile:
     
  2. sguyc

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    I would recommend talking to a therapist. Bottom line, its not healthy to have your entire life defined by one relationship that happened when you were a pre-teen. You have not spoken to this person in 14 YEARS. You need to let him go. I don't see how messaging him on facebook could possibly help, especially if you are going into it with the hope that he wants to get back into your life. You are 25. You are still very young and have tons of time left to go out live life and live in the present for the future. Living in the past is a death sentence for a happy life.
     
  3. Bolin

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    Wow, I almost cried reading your story. I went through something very similar to what you went through. When I was in 6th or 7th grade, I met a guy at church, and we hit it off very well. We became best friends almost instantly (I remember us having a 4 hour phone call the night after we met, haha). We'd spend the night over at each other's houses, go to the movies, hang out at the park...we stayed best friends till I got to my senior year in high school (he was a year behind me). We had grow somewhat distant, and he started liking this girl. I didn't have a good feeling about it, but I didn't know I was in love with him at that time. Anyway, he talked to my mom (apparently) about missing me and wanting to rekindle our friendship, so I tried, but he would blatantly ignore me and was just a douchebag. About a year and a half later, I found out that he had gotten engaged. I was crushed, and realized I was in love with him. He got married soon after, and it was really a kick to the gut when I found out that he didn't even invite me (or my family, with whom he was very close to). I thought that i'd never feel love for anyone else after him. He was all I thought about from age 18 to age 20. I thought about him a lot before that, granted, but it got worse after he was married.

    My advice is this. Get as sad as you need to. Cry, thow a tantrum, mope around, stay in bed all day, punch a pillow. Let all your sadness and hurt out. Then, after you've calmed down, pick yourself up, put on your game face, and move on with life. You'll still have those thoughts that you'll never find someone else, but you will, as long as you resolve to move forward. I'd als not recommend contacting him, as that could greatly hinder your progress. Therapy could help, too, as the above poster mentioned.

    This time 3 orr 4 years ago, I would have never imagined that I would ever get over him. Now? I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me very much, and I rarely ever think about my old best friend unless someone mentions him. There's hope. Don't give up. :slight_smile:

    Also, sorry for any typos. Typed this all out on my phone lol.
     
    #3 Bolin, Jul 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2013
  4. blueberrymuffin

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    Well i can definitely relate to that, aside from my friend ended up among the group that would bully me. I agree with the other poster that you should grieve over this loss if you haven't yet. I think then it will help to reflect on how childhood friends often drift apart, whether from moving away, or because it turns out they have little in common as adults. You've taken very different paths. It's probably safe to say he's not going to contact you.

    So you may have these separate issues like social anxiety that complicate things. Don't sell yourself short though. You seem like a great guy who would be fully committed to someone. Your teenage crush was *not* your 'one shot.' Few of those ever last anyway. You have so much to live for and so much opportunity, but you're going to have to be assertive in pursuing relationships.

    I definitely advise against contacting that guy. What's the best case scenario? He's going to think you're crazy/obsessed and you'll be rejected all over again. He's married now, time to let go. I had thought of doing the same, but finding out my friend was going to Afghan made it clear that he's moved on and we wouldn't stay in touch either way.
     
  5. Viridian

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    I don't think you should communicate with that first friend at all. This may sound cruel, but 11 year olds seldom retain a long-lasting friendship, so he probably doesn't remember you that well. So contacting him and revealing that you used to like him for the past 14 years is downright creepy.

    I suggest that you see a therapist just for some basic evaluation and possibly professional advice.

    The first thing you should do is celebrate! By solving this knot in your heart that you had for the past 14 years is a huge step that you are taking for a brighter future.

    Rather than try getting into a relationship with another person, start having a relationship with yourself. You spent the past 14 years focusing on another. It's time to focus on yourself now. Seek to change yourself for the better. Your post noted that you don't have a circle of close friends. Start building a connection with others and developing deep friendship.

    You can keep your eyes open if there is a potential person that interests you, but I would strongly suggest that you start building up your self-esteem.

    As RuPaul stated, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?".
     
  6. Milhouse

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    Thanks for the responses guys. I do actually see a psychologist, but the appointments have been far apart and I have a tendency to get impatient and unload some of my bottled emotions earlier if the feelings surface and I have a good outlet for them. :wink:

    You're preaching to the choir, man. I know it's not healthy. I know living in the past is really not good. I know I need to move on. My problem is that I find it so incredibly hard to do so. As with most problems though, the first step is to identify the problem in the first place. I have only recently discovered this problem. All along, I thought he was just a good friend, and that for whatever reason, I really missed this friend.

    Well, when I thought about it deeper, especially when I realized I'd probably have sex with him if the opportunity had come up, I finally figured out for a fact that he meant far more to me than 'just a friend.' After all, I've lost other friends before, male and female, and never had nearly as big a problem as I did with this one.

    Thank you for confirming my current frame of mind as the right way to be viewing things, though. I mentioned the Facebook thing because it was an insecure feeling I've been having for a few years now (as I first sought him out on there before there was proof of him being in a relationship). I've already pretty much decided not to contact him, but confirmation that it's a bad idea is appreciated, lol.
    Aw, I feel for you. This kid was a bit of a douchebag too. He didn't always stand up for me (and I needed that a lot, lol), and he was often putting me down and sometimes not inviting me to things even in the height of our friendship. I was just so attracted and attached to him, and he was only kind of interested in being friends with me. It was my childhood ignorance that kept me thinking he really cared about me. Perhaps he might have at some point, but it's obvious he doesn't anymore. When you really care about a person, you just don't do that to them.

    I'm happy to be rid of him, and am trying as hard as I can to move on. He just broke my heart so bad, and I only recently figured out how bad, that I often struggle with feelings that I can't go on or have better, more rewarding experiences. This, too, shall pass.
    **Hugs** :grin:
    Thanks. Yeah, I bottled this one up for a very long time, thinking that he didn't matter enough to me to cry over him. Well, 5 years ago I fell apart wanting him back into my life, but instead of trying to contact him, I just realized all the times he failed me and got angry at him. Now I see it from the perspective where I was a kid who was pursuing a deep friendship, and then some, with someone who wanted nothing more than casual friendship, lol. Yeah, it was doomed to fail.

    I just needed to stop lingering on. I've listened to a lot of music that I grew up associating with, like I somehow knew what they were feeling (like Evanescense's "My Imortal"). I didn't understand how a boy who had 'never fallen in love' (read: hadn't dated a girl) yet could possibly feel such a connection with this kind of music. Well, now it makes perfect sense to me: hanging onto someone that was never going to return the favor in the first place. It allowed me to bring out those feelings more, which is only a good thing.
    I'm happy for you; that's real cute. Thank you indeed for the positive message of reassurance. :slight_smile:

    I know that someday I'll find someone. Knowing that it'll probably be another dude, and that it is quite all right if it is, helps me to open my heart to new possibilities that I never felt comfortable or free to explore before. In all honesty, I'm glad I figured out I like dudes before I got involved with a girl. It's never been my goal to hurt anyone.

    Thank you, too. Again, I know it's insane to think he would contact me or even want to be involved with me. I'm well aware of how crazy that is, lol. I just didn't used to be aware of it. It's the new realization that is causing me to finally let out some of my old feelings, many of which I shared in my post. And yeah, although this one hurt by far the worst, most of my earlier friendships did die off as we drifted apart. Everyone has to follow their own path, and I wasn't necessarily wanting where theirs were going.

    And yes, this old friend has taken a very different path indeed, lol. I can't say it's all that much better than mine. He was such a smart, cute, talented kid, but he turned into a stoner who barely graduated high school. I often wonder, had I somehow managed to stay 'on his good side,' just what would have happened to me in the process? I need to be grateful that I didn't continue to follow him. Instead, I hoped he would some day change back to his old self or something, but that was pretty naive of me.
    Thanks. I'm really, really trying hard not to sell myself short anymore. It's a real uphill battle. I was so incredibly negative, harsh, and unforgiving with myself for so long, that it's a really hard habit to break. Assertiveness is a major challenge for me. I'm one of the most timid, shy, restrained, and basically repressed people you'll meet, hah. I will soon be checked to see if I may be on the autism spectrum, which might also explain some challenges. I need answers and help though, so that's why I'm seeking it out in the first place.
    I really agree with this. There's only really one reason why I even had the urge to contact him at all: closure. The dick never said goodbye to me or offered me any kind of explanation. I believe he knew damn well just how much he meant to me. I had to have given pretty good signs in the things I said and did, which is probably what scared him away in the first place.

    Good riddance! I'm a really nice guy who is very sensitive and helpful to others around him. I'm always looking to help mend broken hearts and hurt feelings, including his own when his brother would beat up on him. If he doesn't want that, if he's willing to hurt me so deeply out of his own fear, disinterest, or disgust, then, well, fuck it, I don't want him either. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: (That was hard to write, but I can't deny it felt good, lol)

    LMAO! That's awesome. It's true. It's very true. It came to mind definitely as well, realizing that this would basically be a guy he hasn't heard from in 14 years suddenly telling him, "Hey, I know you're married to a woman and have a family and everything now, but I totally was gay for you as a kid, and I've stalked you on Facebook just to tell you I'm just now getting over you." I mean, we're not just talking creepy, but borderline restraining order perhaps. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    Very true. I need to look at this from that perspective. I've always tried to be the optimist, and I guess I genuinely am, but this is one area I've been very pessimistic about for quite some time. I've come a long way, though, and by figuring this out, perhaps I'm able to finally free myself. :slight_smile:
    Yup, you nailed it. It wasn't until I was 20 that I started to wake up and realize that I actually really didn't know myself at all. I actually hated myself and wouldn't allow myself to show any personality or uniqueness whatsoever. I guess you could say I didn't like a single fundamental thing about me.

    I'm still getting over that and learning to love myself. Figuring out my feelings, validating them, and learning what to do with them, and what these feelings might mean about me, is something that I'm really working on and have come a long way with. I read up earlier this year on the topic of emotional neglect, and I think it really hit home with me, that my emotions were so repressed and invalidated when I was growing up that I have a very hard time expressing, dealing with, or even understanding them at all as an adult. It's something I will definitely be working with my therapist on.


    Again, thanks everyone for the responses. They mean a lot. :slight_smile:
    I do not intend to contact this person at all. I honestly don't even want to see him again if all he's going to do is cause me more of this pain. I am moving on, or trying the best I can, and that's really what this thread was about. I guess I was just insecure and was seeking some confirmation, which I've been getting.

    I also am seeing a psychologist and will be starting ongoing weekly therapy pretty soon. I already have a small group of friends as I have been working on rebuilding my life these last few years. Things will take time, but it'll all be worth it, I'm sure. :slight_smile: (I just don't want to cut myself over this like I did a week or so ago again :wink:).