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Friends who are closeted

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pinklov3ly, Jul 22, 2013.

  1. pinklov3ly

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    I wasn't going to let this issue bother me, but I cannot hold this in any more. I'm out and proud, and it took me a really long time to be okay with who I am. However, I still have my moments when I feel like I cannot be myself, so I do not talk about my dating life around certain people. Those certain people include my sister, but our relationship is a lot better now. So, I understand how it feels to have someone who is suppose to love you unconditionally treat you like you're abnormal. Now, my problem is that I've tried to be understanding when my friend (she's bisexual) tells me about her sister who is anti-gay. I'm actually friends with her sister on Facebook, so it should be pretty clear that I am indeed gay. I do not care what her sister thinks of me, but my friend does because she's not out to her.

    Being that I'm pretty vocal about being gay on Facebook, it makes my friend feel like I'm outing her. And it kind of made me mad and hurt because I'd never out anyone. I get that my friend is still in the closet, but my Facebook page says my name, so I don't get where she's coming from. I make sure not to tag her in anything gay related because she would freak out. She didn't even like my status when I officially came out on Facebook because she's afraid. She thinks her sister is going find out about her through me, but I would never out her.

    And now, I just feel really weird and I'm even sure why. It kind of takes me back to when my sister treated me differently and that was years ago. I actually feel like crying right about now, because it's really hard being myself around my own sister. I have enough to deal with trying not to make my own sister feel uncomfortable around me. And I do not care who knows that I am gay and I should not have to tone down my gayness because she's afraid.

    I could easily delete her sister, but I have no problem with her at all. She's never acted funny towards me; I'm actually suppose to be going out of town with them next month.

    It's just really hard being friends with her when she's like this because I'm no longer ashamed to be who I am. Every bisexual/gay person I know is out and proud, so I never had to deal with something like this before. I'm not even sure what I'm asking for, I guess just support because I'm really sad :icon_sad:
     
  2. HeyAshley

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    before gays come out of the closet, i think most of them (us) have a paranoid state of mind thinking, "what if they know?" and they think that everyone knows or suspects it. i always thought my friends knew but just didn't say anything, but when i came out, they honestly had no idea. that's probably what she's going through. she probably thinks that somehow her sister suspects it / knows, so when you parade it on facebook (considering you're her friend) she's just paranoid in her mind that it'll solidify what she thinks her sister thinks. okay, i know that was confusing. but it makes sense, i promise.

    some people take more time than others to come out. i actually took over a year to come out just because i wanted to make sure it wasn't a phase. maybe that's what she's going through? ultimately, you have to decide if you value her friendship enough to deal with her bitching about your facebook posts. and nobody can make that decision for you - it's one that you have to make for yourself.

    on a side note, why be SO vocal about it on facebook? it's perfectly fine to be out of the closet and happy, but you don't have to turn it into a parade. personally i get annoyed with my gay friends on facebook who constantly make posts about being gay. it's fine to do it periodically but there's no need to shove it in everyone's face. i mean, think about it - do you want straight people to parade their straightness in your face? it really is the same thing. but continue doing what you want :slight_smile: that's just my opinion on it.
     
  3. pinklov3ly

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    I totally understand where you're coming from and I get that she's most likely paranoid. And to be honest, my friend is technically an ex as well, but we kept our relationship a secret. Her sister already suspects that I'm gay and she's even asked my friend, but she told her no.

    I do not care who knows that I am gay, and it should be pretty obvious by now. And I wouldn't call what I'm doing on Facebook parading. I mean, I've been out for years, and I take pictures with women I am dating. I should be able to be myself and I don't think I'm shoving anything in anyone's face. Straight couples kiss and take pictures with each other all the time, so why can't I do the same thing? I have nothing to hide nor be ashamed about and my friend makes me feel like I should hide who I am.
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Jul 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2013
  4. HeyAshley

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    dating someone who isn't out of the closet isn't healthy, it's not good to hide things. which is probably how the problem originated (with her being paranoid.) if i were you, i'd just leave her be and tell her that if she's not comfortable coming out as who she actually is then i'm uncomfortable with our friendship. but i have a tendency to be insensitive about those kinds of things, it's ultimately your decision.

    and i completely apologize for saying what you're doing is parading. i didn't realize that you meant you were posting pictures, that's completely fine. i honestly thought you meant that you constantly post LGBT articles and things related to gay rights. i didn't know that you meant posting about things relationship wise and/or pictures. there's nothing wrong with that and absolutely no reason to hide it if you're comfortable with it.
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    Yes, that's why we broke up, because I couldn't deal with being a secret. And you're right, is it very unhealthy. I'm just trying to be a good friend because I care about her a lot. I just hate feeling like we have to talk in code language whenever her sister is around. Also, her sister thinks being gay is a choice, so she's going to think I turned her sister bisexual. I don't think I am going to go out of town with them because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

    And yes, I get what you mean about parading. I have so many lesbian friends who are very inappropriate on Facebook. They go overboard to the point where I'm like I don't even want to be labeled as a lesbian.
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Jul 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2013
  6. HeyAshley

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    who cares what her sister thinks? i mean i hate to say this, but if her sister is that close-minded and can't accept things for what they are then fuck her. i understand remaining her friend because you're close but if she's going to bitch at you for not putting your life on hold then she's only holding you back from who you truly are.
     
  7. pinklov3ly

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    You're so right and thank you so much. I've been putting my life on hold for her for years. I have my own life to live and as freely as I please. I can't allow her to hold me back any more. It's like she's projecting her issues onto me because she's not out. I'm happy to be who I am and my family has no problem with it at all. Her issues with her sister are her own to deal with, not mine. She cares too much about what other people think and I do not.