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Lost and numb

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by failea, Jul 24, 2013.

  1. failea

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    I'm currently in a committed relationship. We've been together for 8+ years and I thought we were fine. Funny thing is recently during a fight she brings up stuff that has happened years ago. She basically said that for the last 4 years she has felt that our relationship was over. Never mind that we bought a house together only 2 years ago!

    I'm stumped. Our friends are mutual and I feel that I cannot discuss the utter betrayal and numbness that I feel with any of them. It would be unfair to them to force them to choose sides.

    How is it possible that the one person you care about seems to change overnight and make you feel that you have wasted almost a decade of your life?
     
  2. SomeNights

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    As you've pointed out, it wasn't something that happened overnight and I really don't think it was a betrayal. It's probably been something that's bugging her for a while.

    You know I just had a relationship end about three months ago where I was completely blindsided by the breakup. I thought everything was fine, but in reality he was not really interested and just had trouble telling me because he thought it would hurt me. Which it did, but I was more hurt by the fact that he was so scared to actually tell me how he felt. So what I think you should do is talk with her and put all the cards on the table.

    Was it really a decade wasted or was it a decade lived? I mean for those 8 years she made you happy right? She kept the other side of the bed warm and was faithful to you even when she felt that the relationship was "over". I think you should focus on the good that came from it and not the tail end of it.

    I'd also work on building your support system and having exclusive friends that you can vent to, but your always welcome to post here and get advice.

    Hope this helped!
     
  3. Gregarity

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    LISTEN TO SOMENIGHTS. You definitely need to have a good heart-to-heart with this lady, and l highly suggest the support system he mentioned. It's done wonders for me in time of need.
     
  4. failea

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    SomeNights, thanks for your response and encouragement. I know that my previous post sounded harsh. Calling what we had "wasted time" and in truth I have to say that obviously that cannot be true. To me the time spent together has always been happy.

    The sense of betrayal I feel stems from my own insecurities. My mind keeps running over the last 4 years and I truly can't find the unhappiness she talks about.

    I usually avoid confrontation like the plague, but after reading your post last night I decided to take the plunge and have a serious heart to heart. And she talked for hours. I was dumbstruck. It seems that she has been keeping score over the years. Making little mental notes about things that I had done wrong. Some of the things we have discussed, but others I have never heard about.

    An example of one of these would be when I was still studying at varsity. After exams a couple of mates (mostly straight guys since we were studying engineering) and I would head to a campus hangout and have a beer after and discuss the papers. To me it was a way to relax and feel camaraderie about the things we have accomplished (or not). I have to say, we never had more than two beers on these occasions. One night when I got home we had a huge fight about it. She said that she felt that I didn't love her enough, since I could "go out" and have a good time without her. I explained what these little get-togethers meant to me and that I had no idea that it bugged her. I apologized and we made up. I never went out on these little post-exam celebrations without her. To me this was the end of the issue.

    However last night she brought it up again. According to her because of this she could never really trust me. Since I obviously didn't care for her in the same way.

    Something else she mentioned has me rattled this morning. She confessed that she has been contemplating suicide. That she couldn't see any other way out of the relationship. I'm horrified! Just thinking about the casual way she said it makes my stomach turn. I love her and the thought of her ending her life terrifies me beyond belief. I would rather leave, but if I do what then???

    We are scheduled for couples counseling on Monday. (She agreed to it after the big "It's over" discussion a week ago.) Is this something that should be brought up? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
     
  5. SomeNights

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    Just go with it. Now that you've drawn light to the issues at hand start working them out, but most importantly let her know that she can tell you anything and you won't be angry with her, just concerned.

    As far as what to bring up with the counselor, if I were you i'd let her talk and just see to what extent she has been burying things. Most importantly, just be there for her, because that will ultimately show her how much you still love her.