Hello everyone, its nice to read everyone's posts arround here and really feel the support. I believe and I feel writing here in this forums is my step away from reality or sometimes the hell I am living. I just dont know where i'm standing. I am in a very complicated situation with my partner who I been living with for almost 6 years and he had a two year relation ship one year was long distance. I left everything I got in the town where I lived for my hole life and came to his hometown to make a life, got a job, rented ourselves an appartment and I pay the bills and everything for me and for him. He and I have gone through everything, fights, discussions about topics that are most hurtful and heartbreaking like he wanted me to go to the gym, and he wanted to be rich and have an amazing house, a car, a sofa, a TV screen a computer Which of course I cannot give all of that to him since I am only 22 and I've been working from a year ago when I came to this town. He does not work and stays home almost all day long, he just go and sees his family, they live a couple of blocks away from here. We had some pretty amazing cool times and some of the most sad situations in my life, but I guess when you share your life with someone, there is just need to be an adjustment of things, and maybe some of the things I wanted for myself, I trade them just to be with him and give him all that he wants. I have to go on a business trip next week to California for a training I need to do for my work, I really love my work and I think it complements my life because I love what I do and what I studied, and I had to told him my boss wanted me to go there. He could not cope with it and said that once I promised to stay with him forever, and he made a super drama about the whole situation. He said that I did not care about him because I wanted to go ( I was always telling him we would go on a vacation together but since we had so much expenses, we are not going to be able until next year). The night I told him, was awful because he tried to go out of the house when it was late night, and I could not let him because our neighboorhood its pretty dangerous at night, which I begged him to stay and had an arguee on the street, when we came home he was so upset with me that he stared yelling at me and giving me punches, he left my arms full of bruises from that night, But I forgive him, because he told me he was so sad and confused. Honnestly I stared to feel selfish because he really feels sad and depressed he says that good things should be happening to both and not just one of us, he says that I wanted to go there and that he is upset because he only stays home all day. My colleagues at the officce are also going and they are planning a trip to Disney world for all the team, I really wanna go, and since the company is paying for the flight expenses I thought it would be amazing to go, because I always wanted to. Im affraid of telling him that I want to go or that they are planning that because he made me promise I would not have fun during the trip, because we were going to have fun together. He has been crying and mad at me the past few days, yesterday he told me I should have quit my job, because I dont love him enough and I love my job more than I love him, today he went out of the house to stay with one of his aunts, he texted me when I was in work and said: Im staying here the next few weeks, dont call me or text me , I dont want to know anything about you until you come back. I got the text and called him, he said he was upset and he was going to stay there, he just called me and here its 12:30 am he said he loves me and that he wants to come back, but he said PROMISE YOU ARE NOT HAVING ANY FUN during that trip and that you are not going anywhere and that you are going to take me in the next trip. Wich I replied that Ok, but I told him If I were in your place it would be totally different and I would be so happy for you, which naturally I do. He got upset and stared crying, he said he changed his way of thinking but he was hoping for me to change it too and he hang up on me and turn off his cell phone. He only said dont call me, and stop being so selfish. Now I'm alone in the appartment we share and I really wonder... Is it selfish to go on the trip?. I'm I really caring more about my job than him? What can I do, i'm alone in this town, and I don't think quitting my job or saying no to the trip would be the best option since, I like it and Its our way to make living. Please give me your advice, what will you do? I think im pretty screwed, and I need your help. Please
I don't think you're being selfish. If anything, he's the selfish, manipulative one. Perhaps it's best if you take a break from him.
I honestly don't see your relationship going too much further than this. He's REALLY shallow, if all he wants to do is mooch off of you. A relationship should never just benefit one person. It needs to have sacrifices of both parties, otherwise it's not a good relationship. He wants you to quit your job? Well joke's on him, because he's mooching off of you. He couldn't do that if you didn't have a job. So for him, it's either let you do your business trip or grow the fuck up and actually make some sacrifices. BUT, OH NOES that means HE has to get a job and actually DO something! Oh, what do I know? I'm just a college student who's in the first actual relationship he's been in... Seriously, the doing's not on your part. It's his. Go on the business trip, because it's more beneficial to both of you.
^ What Nodepony and cBuilding said. You're boyfriend is acting like a child, who's self centered and selfish. If anything you are the selfLESS one who cares for him and he doesn't reciprocate. This trip to Cali is for work and unless he wants to get off his ass and do some work he shouldn't be complaining when he's at home all day. Only then can he talk about trips and everything. On the topic of being rich, maybe he could get a job so that you guys can go on a vacation together. I think you should go on this retreat with your work friends. You TOTALLY undeniably deserve it. I think you deserve so much more than he gives you right now. A relationship involves two people equally not one doing everything and ESPECIALLY not one who does everything and another who complains about everything. Hugs! P.S- I love your signature. Right now you're Blaine, and he's Sebastian if you know what I'm saying and you totally deserve a Kurt. Stay strong my friend!
Itsaldo, esta situacion esta inaceptable...te esta abusando! Further to your last posts, and the advice we have tried to give you, is there anything you can do to get out of this situation? It's classic abusive behaviour for him to seek to separate you from your friends and your colleagues. Of course you should go, there is no possible way he should be telling you not to go! There has to be a way for you to quit this relationship, it's just not working for you!
Your not being selfish, he is. I think you should try to talk to him and tell him that your job is also an important part of your life and you're upset he's acting like that. He's being really unfair to you acting like a child and making you promise you won't have fun. Besides you should tell him to get a job or to do something. I understand you love him and maybe are scared to talk to him about it because you don't wanna leave him, but it sounds like the relationship isn't being good and you need a little space.
You are not selfish op. it's not about you it's about him. His insecurities, immaturity and lack of experience. Do you honestly feel like you are getting what you need out of this relationship? How long do you think you can go on with this? You are young, building a career, if anything he must be supportive of you... Don't lose yourself in this relationship. Both of you must grow as an individual. I think go on this business trip and see the world and what you've been missing... Then take it from there. T.c.
Thank so much for your invaluable advice you guys are right I am takin responsibility for someone who doesn't do any major sacrifices for me He always tells me he cleans an do my laundry but I'm not really looking for someone which that type of skills I want more The past couple of months I've been feeling like the classic husband who's been marry for 40 years is that my bad ? I still love him and I've been through living hell just to be with him, I tried to explain and talking to him but it seems worthless I simply cannot promise I won't have fun that would be lying to him because if he was in my place I would let him enjoy because he deserves all of that and encourage him , I don't think that's a way to be in an equal relationship. But I am writing this from my head and my heart is wipping about losing him how can I explain my heart of all this? When most of the time I've been thinking with my heart I know I could make it on my own but I don't want to feel alone and I wish he could change his way of thinking The t ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2013 at 04:16 AM ---------- Thank you, He is a Sebastian protracted as a Kurt and he could be the sweetest thing and that's what makes me blind about the whole situation He's so innocent and that is what my inner guilt comes
He's not so innocent... He uses your perception, your imagination of him as "innocent" to get what he wants...you need to change the way you imagine him to be.
This, x1000. YOU are the innocent one here, not him. The longer you stay with someone like this, the harder it will be to escape, and the more regrets you will eventually have for not RUNNING years before. It's very hard for kind, honest people to understand that some people can be cruel and dishonest and manipulative, but that's what he is. Get out. Fast. And get help, too, or your next relationship will be with someone just as cruel and dishonest and manipulative as this guy.
As many of us have told you many times before: Your boyfriend is an awful, worthless, lazy, abusive, manipulative sack of s**t. While he's gone you should change the locks on the apartment, throw all his stuff in boxes, and either put it in the street or take it to his parents to give to him. Better yet, do all that and then move someplace else. You are infinitely more worthwhile than this person and you need to leave him as soon as possible. If you can do that before you go on your trip, great! If not, then do it as soon as you get back. Because this is only getting worse each time (based on what I've read of your posts in the past) and it's only going to get worse the longer you let this go on. He's now taken things to the point of hitting you. How much worse does it have to get before you see the light here? There are so many guys out there that would treat you so much better than this pendejo. You say you love him. What exactly do you love about him? Because you've yet to describe a single thing about him that is in any way lovable. Yes, you made some major sacrifices to be with him and giving that up probably feels scary and like failure. But you can recover from that. And you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to spend it being used and abused by a lazy ungrateful tapeworm of a human being? Because that's what is happening to you now. Go on your trip. Have a huge amount of fun. And kick this person out of your life. You can do tremendously better and you deserve tremendously better. I hope only the best for you. And that means you have to get rid of this guy. (&&&) Todd
I came home and I'm crying he says I should look for another job and that I need to choose between him and my job that I am selfish and this is not who I am He's packing up his stuff now an says he will be gone while I'm on that trip I am just finding strength through reading your comments but something in the way he. Packs and sagas things its like someone taking my heart out And I am not fooled of what he says I'm not gonna give up on him, a decision. Like that is hard to find and he says its just like in the devil wears Prada movie. If I stay quiet here he will try to go out alone later at night, how can I be strong enough to not stop him on the door and say its dangerous out there I still see him like he was my responsibility why ? ?
As greatwhale says, he is an adult. He can take care of himself. You said his family lives only a couple blocks away. If he grew up in the neighborhood, he certainly knows how to get to their house. He is trying to manipulate you into begging him to stay and giving in to him, like he did last time. Don't give in. Let him leave. Lock the door behind him and be strong. Until and unless he begs you to let him back in, he can stay outside or stay gone. And even if that happens that only gets him until the morning when you want him gone. You need to get him out of your life. Even if he begs, don't let him get close to you, or kiss you or try to use sex to get you back. Because if one form of manipulation fails, he'll just try another. Because that's what people like him do. Don't let him do it. Todd ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2013 at 08:23 PM ---------- As greatwhale says, he is an adult. He can take care of himself. You said his family lives only a couple blocks away. If he grew up in the neighborhood, he certainly knows how to get to their house. He is trying to manipulate you into begging him to stay and giving in to him, like he did last time. Don't give in. Let him leave. Lock the door behind him and be strong. Until and unless he begs you to let him back in, he can stay outside or stay gone. And even if that happens that only gets him until the morning when you want him gone. You need to get him out of your life. Even if he begs, don't let him get close to you, or kiss you or try to use sex to get you back. Because if one form of manipulation fails, he'll just try another. Because that's what people like him do. Don't let him do it. Todd
I think my life is just destined to go back to him and left him,I cant take this anymore you guys are right, I always complain on all of my posts and I do nothing. It seems that things have gotten out of my hands, this is nothing closer of what a dream relationship I thought we had would be, I also made some mistakes along the way. Because somekind of a self inner guilt is killing me. Sometimes when we are not angry he tries to get along with me kiss me and touch me but, the last couple of months I've been losing that, i dont know why? And I feel bad for myself because when i ask myself if i still love him, my heart answers back and says he does but when its time to get back things togerther I just feel i can't and I am so affraid this is wrong because he is supposed to be the person I chose to share life with. And Im so scared something in my life is going wrong ahead if I leave him, that Im doing something wrong because I promised things I just could not keep like going to the gym or taking him with me on the trip for dont feel any resentments because I would take responsability for everything. Is this feeling normal?, this feeling is what's not letting me leave him free. I feel guilty of not accomplished things on his side and not stick out to him like i would supposed to.
How old is he???? He seems to be very selfish and childish.. I mean "PROMISE YOU ARE NOT HAVING ANY FUN" really??.......... a loving partner would never say that.. would they? "I left everything I got in the town where I lived for my whole life and came to his hometown to make a life, got a job, rented ourselves an apartment and I pay the bills and everything for me and for him." He needs to change, and realize what you done for him and let you be happy, maybe if he gets productive with his life, he won't be so attached to you.
Aaaw itsaldo.... I understand that you are young and crazy in love... Some are/were like that too at some point... But life goes on... The thing is you're easy for him everything he wants you to do, you do. Things he wants to have, you provide. what he wants you to be, you try to change. since you are easy he has no respect for you. And he expects more and more. What about you? I know you are scared to lose him because yeah you moved mountains just to be with him... and also you don't want to feel like a loser since you put up a lot of things... and you can't forgive yourself at the same time for feeling that way and for all the things that you did. But you know what life goes on... You just gotta make that step for you to be able to move on dude. if it means to get angry at him by all means do so because you're only human.I guess you already have the answer you are only scared to face it. Nobody knows what the future holds so what you are fearing may or may not happen. And that is what's stopping you from making a decision. you know what? love is also a decision. Things will get Better... I assure you that. Good luck! And you t.c.
Hi Itsaldo, I've been with my current partner for 16yrs. Being together like that is a partnership in all senses of the word. We both work to build and support that partnership. We both sacrifice for it. And we both care about the other person's happiness and the well-being of the thing we have together. The problem with your situation is not you. It is your boyfriend. How is he working for your partnership, either literally or in principle? You say he sits at home all day playing games or texting people or even checking out other guys and telling you how you don't measure up to them. This is not supportive of you or your partnership, either economically or personally. He needs to get a job or start seriously taking care of the domestic side of things, not just doing your laundry sometimes. He needs to stop whining because you don't have washboard abs. You presumably didn't have them when the two of you got together, so why do you need them now? You boyfriend only seems to think of himself and what he wants. He gets angry because you won't be around for a week or so and throws a childish fit because you might have a good time without him or won't move heaven and earth to give him the same good time? He should be sad that you will be away from him, but also glad for you that you have this work opportunity. And he should be even more happy for you that you will have a chance to have some fun while doing it and maybe hoping the two of you can do the same trip together someday. Your boyfriend is selfish and manipulative. You've not once described him doing anything for you or indicating he cares about you in any way. All he does is take, take, take and then complains that you don't love him because you haven't given in to his every whining demand. There are guys out there who will love you and treat you with respect and who will want to work with you to build a wonderful life for both of you together. Guys who will care about your happiness more than their own. Guys who will thank God or Fate or whatever they believe in for having met you and having you in their life every day. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has demonstrated he is not one of those guys and that he is not worthy of you. You can do so much better than him and you deserve so much better than him. Get him out of your life and make room for the guy you will eventually find. The guy who will love you as you are and who will consider himself the luckiest man alive for having you as his partner. The guy who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Be strong Itsaldo. I know you can do it. We're all rooting for you. And we'll all be here for you no matter what. (&&&) Todd
I believe he is being very selfish and trying to manipulate you. I feel like you and I are in the same boat here. I met my wife online when we were very young and we dated long distance for a long time. I too moved and left everything behind to be with her and I too make most of the money in the household. So i can see exactly where your coming from. 1. you work to support both you and him. If you have to do something for your job for the lively hood of the both of you he should not stand in the way of that. Instead he should be encouraging you to enjoy this time and to have fun while your there. Where i can see where he is upset that he cant be there with you he should understand the situation and your promise to take him next year should be enough for him if he truly loved you. 2. If he wants good things to happen to him too than he should also get a job or at least volunteer and get out of your home and into the world. You cant expect things to fall in your lap when you are sitting around doing nothing. 3. Him leaving and telling you he wants nothing to do with you because of this is his way of testing your limits and pushing you. Stand your ground. Relationships are a two way street. You cant be the only one giving to it. He seems to be pushing you around. I understand your desire to want to give him the world. I am the same way with my wife but she works as well and tells me how grateful she is for what i do for her and if i was in your position i know how bummed she would be but she would most likely tell me to have fun and to call her and text her none stop. We also have not been apart for over five years So i believe your feeling of being away from him will hurt you as much as it will him And lastly it seems that YOU need this! You cant live your life completely for someone else. If you are not happy and centered and love what your doing and yourself you can healthy love someone else. It seems your relationship is very unhealthy and maybe this break will make him realize just how much you mean to him and how much you do for him and make him appreciate you better.
You're not selfish, he is. He's more then selfish though, he is also manipulative selfish and childish! It is so messed up of him to be treating you like that. Leave him, you can and will do soo much better! Goodluck
