Another Tale of Falling for a Close Friend

Yo there... I'm not really sure where to start this because this is the first time I've talked about it but... meh. Prepare yourselves, I tend to type a lot.

I know I'm rather young still but I have fallen in love with a really good friend of mine. We first met back in grade 7 and now we're about to enter grade 11 and it's been interesting to say the least. I realized in grade 9 that I had feelings for her but you see we're both girls and I'm very nervous of being rejected...

So I know for a fact that she's actually not homophobic, but that doesn't mean telling her wouldn't be awkward. You see, I'm not even sure what her preference is but since the majority of the population here is straight, I'll just assume there's a low chance of her being otherwise. To my knowledge though, she hasn't actually fallen for anyone or showed interest (though it's still early I guess anyways), but she does hope to get married someday and have kids.

We're both in this little group of friends (the 4 of us do a lot of random stuff together), but I realized that I liked her through jealousy. It sounds weird I know, but it started with me trying to get her to befriend another friend of mine who I brought to our little circle. They seemed to get to know each other and stuff real fast and that's when I realized I felt jealous. I thought it was just a crush or me being over-protective, but then I realized that I really wanted to be closer to her and I thought her smile was the best thing ever. Months passed and I never stopped feeling the urge to be closer to her, but I doubted she'd like me so I tried to distance away from her. I started talking to another friend, let's say B, in order to kind of forget about her while trying to still show her some care. I also tried to look at others but no one seemed attractive... As I kept trying to forget the feelings and just be friends I got more jealous though as this let her get closer to C (the alphabet does wonders).

Around the end of grade 9 though I started talking to her more. B seemed to start cracking jokes about us too -or maybe they're jokes I don't know anymore... She made one comment that asked, "Evil Monkeyz do you think she's cute?" I was shocked and kind of just stared wide-eyed at her thinking inwardly, "yes". I didn't say anything though, instead she reacted and turned to her loudly exclaiming, "What?" Since then B made some comments of her being cute and random other things...

I remember there was a moment where she told me too listen to some songs with her. She (let's call her A for less confusion now) offered me an earphone and took the other one -this is something friends do though so I don't think much of it. It lasted the whole lunch time though and felt awkward, because a part of me wanted to lean closer while the other wanted to pull away in nervousness.

There has also been a moment around that time where B asked me to go with her and fill up her water bottle (A and C were chatting away at the time). I nodded and when we got back A seemed a bit annoyed and asked where we went. I just told her I went with B to the water fountain. A said, "Well did you have to go with her?"

Eventually it was summer break and I couldn't seem to stop thinking about her. I was feeling very tempted to contact her somehow, but then I never really did before so... I didn't know what to do. I felt maybe it would be too weird or I'd come off as clingy, so I kind of just did nothing until she emailed me (about two weeks prior to grade 10). Then we started exchanging emails daily until school kicked in again. We ended up having 2 classes together the first semester and I told her (trying to push any jealousy back) that I was okay with her sitting next to C.

To be continued...

---------- Post added 26th Jul 2013 at 05:46 PM ----------

(Continued)

When school started again we kicked off the year with A, C, and I walking to and from together. It seemed kind of normal at first, then she started to offer me an earphone again as we walked or at lunch. I liked it because it felt like we had time together but at that same time I felt guilty for kind of leaving B and C out of the loop. So I denied it once and then started telling her, "I'll only accept it if you want me to". Since then it kind of just stopped but we still had these little quirky moments.

B in specific started to drop teasing comments like how A was staring in between us or if I focused on her she'd say A was jealous. I'm horrible at reading A due to a fear of me judging with my feelings and being too shy to see if she really was staring. So I mostly ignored these comments and A did as well. It seemed like she was joking because she also made occasional comments (with me) that A and C were together but eventually they both denied it and told us to stop.

There was a moment too where I guess I was being too playful/ touchy-feel-y (A isn't very touchy-feel-y) so A made a comment where I was acting weird. Hoping to cover it I said that I was being my usual self and nothing more was said. Then I got lost in my thoughts so I apparently started staring at A and she noticed, "why is she staring at me?" C shrugged and I jumped and tried to cover it, "Your face is funny". Typically we say stuff like that a lot so we kind of just moved on from that...

Later though when it was just A, C and I eating lunch A told me to move closer (we sat on opposite walls in a hallway). I awkwardly did so and then soon I noticed A was staring at me rather intensely. I looked around, glanced back and she hadn't even moved. Looked around some more and got the same result. I looked over at C hoping she'd do something to remove the awkward atmosphere and she caught on, "A why are you staring at her like that?" She snapped out of it and went on about when not to stare at people so I kind of figured she used that moment as some kind of example...

The little moments we had died down a bit and we kind of stopped being so actively involved (we also started texting after school though to be fair). The texting was kind of periodic, whenever she noticed me waiting for the bus really (we stopped walking together as she got driven so I walked with C). I remember she made a comment where she was hungry -she loves food so that's not a surprise- and I replied taunting her about how there was nothing to eat. Her response was, "then I'll eat you... with ketchup." and I replied with mock fear. I don't know but something about "eat you" seems interesting... ><

There was a moment just before the Christmas break where I glanced down at her food -because it smelt good in short. She caught my gaze though and said, "stop looking at my pants." I starred at her kind of in shock at the implications that could have. She went on, "that's the kind of suggestive stuff my sister says." Okay, well I guess I wasn't the only one that found that suggestive...

Around my birthday (my b-day is late February), there was a moment where just the two of us sat there. She bugged me about what kind of gift I wanted. A: "Do you want a locket that says "BFF" with a picture of you and B in it?" Me: "Um... no." (we're not BFFs anyways - we're all just friends). A: "Do you... want a pillow of a naked Len (Len = Japanese cartoon character)?" Me: "EH? No." (she mentioned that was on her mind last year as a gift). A: "Okay... well what do you want?" Me: "I don't know." A: "Do you... want a picture of me?" Me: "... No... and nothing perverted." (I kind of wanted to say yes just to see how she'd react or something - but that still could've been innocent for all I know).

Then we started to get distanced a bit more and we stopped texting each other as much. I kind of got nervous again about her not liking me or preferring someone else. I told myself I had to accept the fact we wouldn't like each other in that way and so I had to move on so I wouldn't lose this. I started trying to focus on B again (call me stupid) and seriously thought that maybe my feelings went away...

There was a random moment one time where A asked me why I didn't text her anymore. I pointed out how she had other friends to talk to. She replied that they weren't nearly as interesting as I was (I think she means entertaining/ random). She pulled out her phone as proof, B never replied so she practically talked to herself and C just talked about school. I was kind of awkward (how many times do I use that word?) and felt guilty about it but if I texted her I was afraid of my feelings coming back and her figuring me out.

Then around the end of the school year A started talking about this art project where they had to make a collage of things representing their "perfect partner". She asked us for ideas and said it was kind of awkward. So I started to supply random character traits that could be represented by items and stuff. Later A showed us the collage and explained her ideal: they had to be a family person, they had to be "interesting", they had to cook, clean and preferably have an at-home job to do the cooking and cleaning. So basically she wanted a housewife (how easy is it to find a male housewife?). XD Thinking back I can't remember if there was anything indicating a gender preference but I recall there being at least a few pictures of something like a father and kids... so...

At that point there was a day where it was A, B and I. A started poking my stomach (I think I reacted with a hilarious squeak) and I figured this was a signal to poke B (because we both like torturing her like that). I did as "gestured" and she kept doing it randomly. She then started asking "how many fingers did I poke you with?" B noticed and joined in on the game (it was time to torture me apparently). I acted like I hated it, but I won't lie here I loved the attention (from A of course + I like being tickled). The moment was kind of random but we started focusing a bit more on each other again.

I felt, maybe the feelings came back and right after my mom found an old note where I confessed my feelings to her. She asked me about it completely ready to accept me but I denied it claiming, "I'm over her now don't worry. I don't like anyone." I didn't want to say I did, especially since the feelings only possible returned that day...

Then the next school day had the same thing happening, but this time I tried to use my back pack for protection. I established at this point that A was more interested in poking me now and (for the first time in forever) we sat beside each other to make it worst. There was a time where she aimed to poke my cheek but awkwardly ended up getting my teeth. So the next day when she continued poking me (and officially hurting my sides) she said she would just poke my stomach from then on.

It kept up that way with random little moments happening again. Once B had left to the office and when she came back we sat in a triangle shape. At one point B said we were starring at each other and this time no one replied to deny it. Buuuut I don't remember if we were really looking at each other in such an obvious way. B did seem to give us odd looks again though.

Eventually school ended and now it's summer break again. The thing is, I can't stop thinking about A now and she's in Korea. T_T If memory serves well she's coming back in August or something but I don't remember when. My plan is to email her in August asking about her summer and maybe I'll go over to her house again too (since she complains about being bored so much).

I've come to the conclusion that I love her, or have a huge un-ending crush on her. No matter how much I deny it (because I think I was just in denial for those few "nothing's happening" weeks) I love her. Now though I keep thinking about her and wishing for her to come back soon. I miss her a lot and she's really cool, but when I'm around her I seem to lose control of my actions and just stop thinking. Not literally but I magically become a bit more extraverted (I'm actually very introverted) and I guess I can't help but "act weird" and smile idiotically.

So, we'll I've come to the conclusion I want to be more than friends. I'm also afraid of losing this friendship and having her reject me -as I'm sure many face that. I feel maybe, just maybe she's observant enough to know I like her already (and she is smart so I wouldn't put it against her). Maybe she's kept me around because she could feel the same way. Maybe B isn't joking and there is something going on between us...

Yet I feel like there are too many "maybes" and that I can't really say she likes me back because B says so. I'm afraid that anything I see that could potentially be a sign that I notice (for once) will just turn out to be my feelings manipulating the mess. Perhaps even all these moments are just my own emotions bouncing off a mirror. I'm afraid, I don't want to lose her since she's one of the best friends I've had. Yet I feel like my feelings are getting in the way and I just go around them. I could just see her disgusted face as she flatly tells me, "No we're just friends" (and when people ask if we're "best friends or something" she says we're just friends).

So really, I'm a lost teenager wondering if she's blinded by love or what. :help: What do you guys think?