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Having a boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by RCJ24, Jul 26, 2013.

  1. RCJ24

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    I am talking to a guy for the first time in my life, we aren't dating yet but I am pretty sure it won't be long until we are officially together. We have plans to sleep together the next time we get together which scares the hell out of both of us, seeing as how he is a virgin and I am a virgin to to guys! Neither of us are out so we have to hide it and be secretive every time we go out. I told him that if our relationship did blossom and turn into more that I would want to come out and allow people to know that I am gay and have an amazingggg boyfriend. But he is scared and said he doesn't think we should come out. It's funny because people already suspect him of being gay, I mean his parents have even asked him. But no one has any idea about me, yet I'm the one who wants it to be known! Do you think things will change after we sleep together? Should I be okay with a secret relationship even if I don't feel it's fair to either of us? Really any kind of same sex dating advice or anything you all are willing to share with me here would be great!
     
  2. LD579

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    Uh, this all seems very fast. You may wish to take it slower... or at least I'd suggest that. How long have you been talking to this guy?
     
  3. RCJ24

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    We have been talking for a few months now. I really like him and he likes me, honestly I am falling in love with him. He is the first person I've ever felt this way about and considering he is the first guy ive been with and all my exs have been girls, that's probably why it feels so right with him. I'm pretty sure he will ask me to be his boyfriend soon, I want to, but is it fair if we have to keep it a secret?
     
  4. Rolando4

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    If you're really in love, I wouldn't sleep with him so quickly... Make the relationship a little more meaningful c:
     
  5. Lexington

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    There are two separate things going on here - well, actually, there are a lot more than two. But let's just look at these two: the sexual component, and the "coming out" component.

    The sexual part is pretty straightforward. You both seem ready, and you both want to do it. If so, go ahead. (Remember the gargoyle rule - condoms, lube, always. Buy them now.) You may want to read the next part to see if it shades your perceptions of this one, though.

    One of the toughest parts about getting into a relationship is the full realization that you're dealing with a completely different person than yourself. It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because you think/feel/react a certain way, that your boyfriend will think/feel/react in a similar way. Yes, it'd be wonderful if the sex was so mindblowing and relationship-altering that suddenly you were both ready to be out-and-proud to the world at large. But it almost certainly won't be for him. That's not to say he'll have heavy regrets about having sex with you, but I wouldn't anticipate him being ready to come out simply because you're now sexually active.

    The biggest thing you need to know about relationships is the acceptance/compromise aspect. You are two different people, with different wants/needs/goals. And where these things don't coincide is where you can end up with problems and friction. Most of these aren't any big deal. For instance, you feel like going to one restaurant for dinner, and he wants to go to a different one (or to stay home). And so you chat about it, and you come up with some compromise - you pick tonight, he picks tomorrow, or whatever it is.

    But there are some areas where compromise isn't that easy. To pick some extreme hypothetical example, say you find out your boyfriend is into some really hardcore sexual thing, with pain and blood and whatever else. You probably wouldn't think an acceptable compromise would be to immediately start "doing it his way" every other time. You'd probably be more like "Yeah, I'm not ready for anything like that", and stick in your heels. Maybe as time went on, you'd be willing to dip your toe into it (as it were), but it's something you'd have to build to.

    And I think that's where you two are right now. He's not ready to be out-and-proud. And I think the best move isn't to push him into it. It's to tell him that it IS something you want to work towards, but for his sake, you're willing to accept that he's not ready.

    Lex
     
  6. AKTodd

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    What Lexington just said.

    Also, when you talk about going out and being secretive...do you mean that your social situation is such that you couldn't just go out/hang out together and people would just think you're friends? I realize it can feel like you will both have a giant sign over your heads shouting 'We're gay and having gay sex together!!' in flashing pink neon, but that's rarely the case.

    At least for an interim period while you are both building whatever you end up building and getting comfortable with each other, being out together means just acting like friends in public. Although its also possible to develop little ways of signaling each other in ways the rank and file won't notice. A wink here, an offhand comment there (that means something to you both), etc. It can be kind of a game if you want it to be.

    I'd say go for it, but practice lots of mutual understanding and communication (both in bed since you're both new to this and in general) and give him time to get used to the idea.

    Best,

    Todd
     
  7. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    You are both bound to feel the way you do seeing as that you have never slept together, and I would both wait until you feel the moment is right to do this as there isn't any rush.
    Take it as it comes and to say that you plan to sleep together the next time you meet maybe isn't doing you both any good. Don't plan when you are going to do it, and when the time is right then you will both know this.
    He might need a bit more time because of accepting his sexuality and feel pressured in having sex if you plan to do it at a certain time, talk more and become more aware of each others feelings , sex will be great but at the same time it will be make you very nervous so don't plan, just let it happen and enjoy getting to know him more in detail.
    A relationship is formed on many factors and although sex would be a great asset to this it isn't important, what matters is how you both feel about each other.
     
  8. RCJ24

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    Thanks for the advice! We will be sleeping together, there really wasnt much of a question there. we are ready for it. And @AKTodd, I think it would be really hard for us to just hang out and act like just "friends" because he is pretty clearly the stereotypical gay man. That's his main reason for wanting to be secretive I think, because he believes if people see us together it will give them all the the clarification they've all been thinking, that he is in fact gay.