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Gay, Bi, In Denial or Straight?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Corsa, Jul 27, 2013.

  1. Corsa

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    OK folks, I'll do my best to keep this short but in a situation that's literally driving me crazy ...

    I have a troubled house mate who claims not to be gay, he comes from a large single parent family and has always seen himself as being the "odd one". In his early teens he was bullied, this has stuck with him and appears to be the cause of the depression he suffers from (I think?). I've had many incidences which have lead me to question "what's going on here" as the straight friends I have, whilst we have banter, don't behave the way he does.

    From day one I bonded with him and we became very close, inseparable even at times.
    As we became closer, when he got depressed he would open up about his life and his depressed state would eventually lift, arguments erupt usually stemming from his depressive state, these arguments always end up with him being in tears, me having to comfort him with hugs then as if by magic he's back to being happy. Some five months ago I opened up to him and told him of my feelings, since he has told me he loves me and cares. He has a tendency to riddle uncontrollably and struggles to say what he means, he contradicts himself quite a lot. He would do things like turn up the volume on specific songs, "you got the love by Candi Staton" is seemingly one he claims to be "our tune", most other songs have a love theme, but when I questioned this he flatly denied they had any meaning and were just songs he liked, I accepted this. We have never been intimate as he has always maintained his heterosexual orientation. He has in the past came out with things like "you think I'm gay", which got ignored, "but am I straight?" which again got ignored until one night when he asked a similar question I replied "I don't think thats something even you could answer with honesty", he went silent.

    Lately the situation has turned, he is now becoming more depressed again and I have for the first time witnessed his temper. Whilst on an overnight trip away from home we shared a bed, not for the first time, I got comfort from his back heat against mine as I suffer from back pain, however this occasion he pulled away into a corner, it was obvious to me he felt awkward and left me feeling terrible, so I got out of bed and left him on his own. Half an hour later after an argument he erupted, "you don't want me" he shouted then went into a shaking temper telling me "I love you, is that not obvious". It took some time to calm him down through talk and hugs, but eventually he did. When calm we talked about admissions he had made in the previous weeks, where confirmed it was me he wanted to be with, he cared deeply about me and found it hard putting into words other things he wanted to say. He has a habit of contradiction and bad memory which I put down to depression, as he constantly changes his mind. He will make suggestive remarks then claim they were meant as a joke, an example being when we shared a bed on another occasion he came out with "if you or me rolled over it would be spooning and I'd be on fire", I replied "you not last a minute" to which he replied "I've watched plenty videos" - thinking this was him "joking" again, I ignored it. When I brought this up at a later stage I was told it was meant as a joke, I said to him that his comments could be taken as him trying to lead me on, this he got angry with and retaliated with abuse. When calm from his tantrum, he again came out with his normal script "I'm not gay, I don't like being touched and being with a man freaks me out", yet he doesn't get freaked out by hugs etc. The week before this he did something else that appeared out of character, he'd kneel next to me with his manhood slightly bouncing off my leg, this he did a few times and for the next few nights, again I ignored knowing he'd react badly if I said anything and claim it as accidental. He doesn't watch gay porn, and never appears sexually aroused with any gay images but does occasionally appear jealous, i.e. who I text, speak to etc when I'm on the phone. He does have a very bad habit of staring at me continually which gets awkward, this he denies when confronted. There are many other incidences I could fill this page with!

    He now simply shuts off when I try to talk about this and we end up in deadly silence, I don't have the heart to force him to leave albeit he's been asked a few times/packed his bags but it usually ends in tears and he stays, it's really at breaking point and a daily struggle with him, I hate having to probe at him to get an answer but his teasing/whatever it is get's too much as I have feelings for him. I've never had to deal with anyone "confused" or in "Denial" to this degree neither have my close friends and I simply don't know how to deal with him other than just leave him to it. Many a time I've put this down to me having feelings for him and reading into something that isn't there, but I can't get away from the fact that this isn't how a normal straight guy would behave around a gay guy, or is it?
     
  2. UndercoverGypsy

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    Ugh, one hell of a situation. He's definitely not straight, that's for sure, but it doesn't seem like he wants to be pushed out of the closet, so let him come out on his own. If I were you, I would at least tell him that you are completely fine if he is gay or bi, and if you're attracted to him, I would let him know that. That's it, really - just give him some space...
     
  3. rainbowheart

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    I feel close to this situation. In my past I was close to one of my friends and would go about exactly as you described. At the time I was so closeted I didn't even question i was strait (even though i wasn't attracted to girls). Any ways my advise is you and your friend do like each other. I would go and converse with him again, this time ask him if he really loves you and mean it when you ask. If he says yes just go in and kiss him, let your lips do the talking. Your friend might be oblivious to his feelings toward men. just what i wished my friend would of done
     
  4. Randy

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    Are you me right now? Maybe this will shed some light and assist you. I noticed that you're not out to anyone (if I'm interpreting your out status correctly) so maybe you could come out to him and maybe he'll reciprocate. You'll be amazed what you find out if you're 100% honest with someone.

    Like above posters have said, there is nothing more uncomfortable then making someone realize what they don't want to realize at the moment in time (or at all)
     
  5. Corsa

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    Thanks guys: he makes it very difficult and I usually just leave him to it rather than probe
    Undercovergypsy: I've done both, a few times!
    Rainbowheart: Yea I've done that, didn't go for a kiss tho given how he reacts, that and he has a habit of telling me he doesn't like any kind of contact
    ILikeCats: Yea I'm out to everyone, I just don't fly the flag, i.e I'm not the in your face type!
     
  6. Lunarchy

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    Well, if I have learned anything, you cannot force someone to come out of the closet, it just makes them angry, and the angrier the get, the greater the chance they are, and they just don't want to admit it (In the case of non-homophobic guys, homophobic guys also get really angry...) The only thing you can do is let him to discover himself. If he really does like you, eventually he will come out to you. All you have to do is be there for him, and catch him when he falls. Don't try to bring it up, don't try to force him into anything or make a choice, just let him come to you ^)^
     
  7. skiff

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    Hi,

    With my experience in mind...

    I would give him an alternative; "If we love each other we both come out of the closet and move forward openly, otherwise we go our seperate ways.

    I LIVED what you have plus sex for 15 years. I thought I had a life partner. Then his mom asked why he wasn't married, he bolted for and married the first vagina he could find (sorry ladies, old soar wound) and married it. That is what a deeply closeted guy can do for you.

    My suggestion... Whole hog or separate and if you separate come out yourself and start dating openly gay men and leave the closet cases to build better walls of denial.

    Bitter? Yup, and I have had decades to get over it. It is reopened wound as he came out of the closet last year and whines about his ruined life.

    When he left me after 15 years he lied and said "I am not gay". So I guess I imagined 15 years of continuous physical/emotional relations.

    God I have to let this go! Hence my advice to you...

    Open it up or shut it down.
     
  8. Corsa

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    Thanks Lunarchy, I've tried talking and yea it makes him angry sometimes, mostly though he can be so laid back he's practically horizontal so hence I just leave it now, whilst I'd love something to happen the drama at times I can be done without. The advice I get from friends is "lifes too short" which is uppermost in my mind and pushes me to just leave it, but the teasing and jokes mixed with my feelings can be very frustrating and id hard to deal with.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2013 at 07:34 PM ----------

    Skiff, my heart really goes out to you, that must have been hell on earth. I really appreciate your comments, it must be very difficult for you reading similar themed situations. I'm out btw, the closet I didn't last in for long as it was too cramped! Just to complicate the situation, I'm in a relationship that has soured, we simply co-habit for financial reasons. I hope you can let go and find happiness you deserve.
     
    #8 Corsa, Jul 28, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2013
  9. skiff

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    Hi,

    I am fine with it as long as I don't visit it. What pisses me off is I know I would be vulnerable to him if he came sniffing around. That irritates me most... You love somebody so much and they walk away with a bit of your soul and they wonder why you want an apology.

    Yeah, I relate to your story. Great if you are out. If he cannot be out too run, don't walk to the nearest exit.
     
    #9 skiff, Jul 28, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2013