Heya guys ill keep this brief but here's the story. I have a friend who recently came out to a few of us. We always suspected it and he's been bisexual for sometime but finally decided to come out and I commend his bravery... There's a big problem here however, he's been brought up in a faith that is extremely Christian in their views and if he comes out as "gay" in public his family will be shamed, shunned and excommunicated from his church forever. His parents, brothers, sisters etc most are very active in their church so he's afraid to risk them losing all the friends and relationships built up in the church. Afraid of the risks associated Some family members found out and have been very understanding but since his church is such a big part of his life this complicates things, it's not like he's atheist or say catholic where he can just "go on" with life... Secondly for me this is a very difficult situation. I'm understanding and all but our social circle is very "pro" heterosexual. His brother is always quick with gay jokes, always into "meeting women" things like that... Knowing his brother bats for the other team is going to severely devastate him like going through a massive break up devastate... Soooo any advice?
Ill fully support my friend no matter what but what about the implications of coming out and excommunication? From faith, family, friends?
Isn't he likely aware of the implications? It is good you are his friend and supporting him as well as some of his family. He will need help building a support system outside the church.
From your side, just being there for him will mean a lot. Considering the situation, the fact that he did come out to you probably means he values your friendship greatly and that he absolutely trusts you. Judging from these two posts, he's not wrong in that.. So, I'd say that the most important thing you can do is to continue being a great friend. But your question is actually posed from his perspective. You are trying to find out what your friend might do to deal with others. It's not likely that a proper answer will be given here; I mean, you are basically asking how to change other people. Let's take a look at the facts of the situation: 1. Your friend is gay 2. Your friend values his family 3. His family values the church community 4. His church community doesn't accept gay people To resolve the problem, one of those four things needs to change. Number one is what he's been trying for years and finally decided that he can't pretend anymore. Number four will probably take decades. Number two is a devastating outcome for your friend. Number three could be hard, but it seems the most promising. And anyway, when it comes to your friend, his worries should be whether his family accepts him. If they do, then the church is not his problem, but their common problem, something for his entire family to deal with. If he gets the support of his family, the church will seem as a lesser burden as well. In this whole thing, try to make him believe that it's not his "fault" that he's gay. It's a very common pattern to feel guilt over it; something like "if only I weren't gay, I wouldn't cause rifts in my family, everything would go on normally". It's not his fault; it's not a case of a righteous church versus a lost soul. It's a case of a guy who is who he is. And a church unable to show basic empathy and love for a member. Keep repeating to him that it isn't his fault.
That's really nice of you to join this forum to find help for him. The major reason I'm in the closet is also because of my family's conservative stances (which includes a big dose of religion). However, I really like reading recently Archbishop talking about how he could not believe in a homophobic God. Here is a man who has experienced discrimination just for his skin color, and it's refreshing to see him realize that the same injustices are happening for gays, as well. BBC News - Archbishop Tutu 'would not worship a homophobic God'
The main reason I took 5 years to come out of the closet is precisely for the reasons you listed in your post. I finally finished my coming out process 2 weeks ago and the most painful part of the whole experience was the responses of my Christian friends. Fortunately for me, I have lots of awesome, supportive, affirming friends, and this has then my anchor over the past few weeks. I also found a competent therapist a couple of months ago to help me through the coming out process. In spite of doing many things well, there is one thing I would change. If I had to do it all over again, I would be connected more strongly to the gay community before I came out. I admire your friendship and dedication - keep it up because you are making a difference!
It's great that you're trying to help out your friend. One thing you can possibly do is to tell the brother to cut out the homophobic crap. Those comments can be very damaging over time. There's a real chance things turn out badly no matter what you do, and I'm sure he realizes that. You should assure him that, whatever else he might lose, he'll be all right and you will stay friends. Other than that, i think Dalmatian's 4 points are spot on. If your friend's family is worth all the stress, they will support him and break with the church if it comes to that. Your friend is going to have to find a way to move on from the church either way. Staying in the closet and enduring all the condemnation and such, in other words continuing the path he's on, is the worst outcome.
Its a very difficult situation here. I'm friends with some from the church too, now sadly the couples I know are very Christian in their viewpoints, I.e marriage, family kids etc. this is the risk... Trying to find s fair balance is tough because the moment word gets out his family will be shamed for life from what he's told me. In time he would tell family, whether they keep the secret or make it public is another story. The brother issue is another kettle of fish... Either way I just hope there's some positivity in all of this... Me I'm still fighting my own personal battles. When someone claims to be bisexual but then tells you they instead have chosen to live life as a gay is not easy to hear....
I think that the consequence is: 1) You lose some people 2) You gain some new people along the way For now, I think that he should focus more on the positive side. Trust me, I do know some hardcore (extremeeeee) Christians who are just really really really rubbing their faith on your face because of your sexual orientation/preference... however, i also do have christian friends who are respectful and doesn't have a quick judgment on a person though, they'll express their disagreement on such lifetyle but they'll do it in a respectful and timely manner. For family christian members, just tell him to expect that there are mixed reactions. COMING OUT will never please everybody... so for the meantime, find comfort in the family member who accepts him...
I think it's great that you are so concerned and willing to help your friend. I have said on here before that I was a Jehovahs Witness in another life. I am gay and know it and am proud of it. I am willing to be of assistance to him if he wants to contact me. I understand completely the situation. No one has more experience with. Strict religions than I . With that said I am also married and out to my wife and some family. Contact me if there is any desire to talk. Whyme10:smilewave
I don't really have any advice, I've never been in this situation. But I hope you realize that he didn't choose it, no one does. He didn't switch from bisexual to gay, he probably wasn't 100% sure that he was gay or thought it would be easier to tell you he's bisexual first.
I read through his churches core values and alas "homosexuality is strictly forbidden" :-( he'd be wiling to emancipate however not at the cost of his family being forever shunned...
I also feel for you friend. I am in the same situation as him since my family is very involved with the church. Perhaps he should just keep it hidden for the time being or open up to one of his parents and just ask for their advice. I think it is said how religions are scaring people when they should be inviting and accepting to all...
