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Best friend is in big trouble. Please help!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jun, Jul 28, 2013.

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  1. Jun

    Jun
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    My (girl) best friend, which I've known for little over 13 years, is in a very complicated scenario. Her ethnicity is Indian and her boyfriend is just black. They have been in a relationship for roughly 3 years and all of her friends support their relationship to the fullest. We are his friends as well. Knowing that her family is extremely traditional, they will not allow a non-Indian boyfriend to be a part of her life. She has been secretly meeting up with her boyfriend and we all know that, she won't hesitate to tell us her problems.

    Not until this week, her mother has been setting her up for dates with an Indian boy! So, we thought "Hmm, well, that's weird. It's 2013, still happening in Europe? Can only be an innocent date, right?"... Appears to be an entire trick to just get to meet him. Her mom, father, aunt and even her niece went all together just to meet the boy's family.

    Her mom (and her family) are really pushing her. Pushing her so much, that her mom refuses to accept "No, I don't like him." or "No, I don't want to date him." It's really frightening to me, because this is exactly what is happening all around (non)-western countries, and I really can't stand injustice or any lack of empathy. Especially when it's coming from my friends. Everyone deserves the equal right to have his or her own opinion.

    What should I do?! I keep telling her to just be honest and to keep sticking to your own will.
     
    #1 Jun, Jul 28, 2013
  2. Vikingbeard

    Vikingbeard Guest

    Is it weird that i found your description of her boyfriend as "just black" a little odd? you didnt describe your friend as "just Indian" hmm..

    It really is unfortunate to hear of your friends situation, it is so sad when people are forced into these sorts of things against their will by their own family.

    Sme more info would also be useful, how old is your friend?



    unfortunately in certain cultures the belief in arranged marriages and not dating outside of ones ethnic group is still ongoing wherever the person may live.
    If she was in India there may not be much she could do about it
    But from your post she is a European citizen like anyone else and is entitled to the same support and protection as anyone else. If you live in the uk, there is a lot of support from the government and social services if things were to get too bad or dangerous for her at home.
    Like you said, your friend needs to stay strong and fight her parents wishes to date someone she's not interested in.
    If she is an adult then looking at moving out options may be useful, but if she is still a minor then it may be very difficult for her to get away from her parents.

    The important thing is the safety should always come first. If you or your friend begin to believe the her life or well being may be at serious risk from her family if she refuses to date the Oher boy, then something must be done ASAP. If there is a serious risk, social services or police may need to be involved.

    The best you can do for now is continue to support her and make she she keeps herself safe.

    Hopefully her parents aren't extremist and wouldnt actually harm their daughter if she refuses.
     
    #2 Vikingbeard, Jul 28, 2013
  3. resu

    resu
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    I don't Jun meant "just black" as a mean word.

    My parents are also Indian, though they luckily have been accepting of my wishes not to look for a girl for me. they know I'm stubborn, which I've used quite well to hide in the closet. But besides being gay, I am way too Americanized (well I was born here!) to even entertain such an idea that ethnicity should be the only common denominator for romantic relationships.

    All you can do is remind her that this is not India and that no one can force her to make such an important decision. Is she Hindu or Muslim/Sikh? It seems Hindus are much more concerned about marrying within the caste (which by definition means another Indian), while Muslims/Sikhs are very focused on keeping within the same religion. For Christians like my family, it's less strict since there are obviously many European Christians, but even then there is a preference for Indians.

    I think her best choice is to just stick with her boyfriend and ride this out. I know that it was a huge controversy in my family when one of my older cousins just out of high school became pregnant with a Latino guy (Indians can be bigoted and look down at other races), eventually raising her daughter largely on her own. It took years for things to normalize, but now her parents have accepted the father and are very proud grandparents.
     
    #3 resu, Jul 28, 2013
  4. Jun

    Jun
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    No! I absolutely didn't mean to sound mean, lol. It's just the way my bestfriend parents see him; "just a black guy", for the record, I'm part black myself, I really didn't mean to upset you, sorry.

    And yes, her family is indeed Hindu... Oh man, I feel so bad for her. She is almost 20 years old! A young adult and she still can't make decisions on her own! Pathetic.
     
    #4 Jun, Jul 29, 2013
  5. Jun

    Jun
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    Oh God... Her parents just found out about their relationship today. They took her phone and scrolled through all our conversations... This was bound to happen, but my God, what can I do?! I feel so powerless.
     
    #5 Jun, Jul 29, 2013
  6. resu

    resu
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    If her family won't be the emotional support she needs, then you and your friends should become her family.

    Interestingly, this story seems to be common in films about Indians growing up in the west (e.g. Mississippi Masala and Bend it like Beckham).
     
    #6 resu, Jul 30, 2013
  7. srslywtf

    srslywtf
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    Honestly its up to her, all you can do is be there when she needs you
     
    #7 srslywtf, Jul 30, 2013
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