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In love with best friend. He's moving in.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by confused1234, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. confused1234

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    I’ve been lurking on EC for a few months now, and I was hoping to get some advice on a situation I’m currently dealing with…

    I’m 22 and a recent college graduate, and I was deeply closeted and in denial of my bisexuality from the age of 16 until about February of this year. I watched both straight and gay porn and found myself physically attracted to both men and women, but if you had asked me if I was bisexual, I would have adamantly denied it. And somehow, I truly believed it too. I simply chose to ignore the side of me that was attracted to guys.

    But in February, I started falling for my straight best friend. Yes, I realize this situation is rehashed every day on EC, but what do you want me to say? Anyway, my feelings for him became too strong to ignore. I fell head-over-heals in love with him. For months, he was all I thought about. I had trouble eating and sleeping. I couldn’t bear to go a day without seeing him, but when I did see him, I was miserable because I couldn’t tell him how I felt. I was in love for the first time.

    Falling in love with my best male friend obviously forced me to confront my bisexuality head-on. It took several months for me to admit to myself that I am bisexual, and even today I am still not completely comfortable with the idea. During this self-realization process, I desperately needed someone to talk to. My best friend was the obvious choice. In early May, he was the first person I came out to.

    He took it in stride, almost as if he expected it, even though I know he didn’t. He told me it didn’t change anything and that likely none of our other friends would care either. He then asked me a few questions about it, and promised not to tell anyone. And that was that. It was the best reaction I could have hoped for.

    The next three days, he spent every waking moment with me, which certainly isn’t usual for us. We’re both pretty private people. Like, he almost literally never left my side. He must have known that I needed reassurance, that I needed someone for support. We never talked about “it” again, but I knew he was there for me if I wanted to. At the end of those three days, right before he was about to go to bed, I walked up behind him, spun him around, and just hugged him. He hugged back, and no words needed to be spoken. You probably understand why I love this kid so much.

    Fast forward to today. My best friend and I haven’t seen each other since May since he lives out-of-state. Honestly, I thought I was slowly getting over him. The space was good for me. But tomorrow, he moves in with me. We are living together post-graduation with another one of our close friends. We are all fraternity brothers by the way.

    As the date of his move-in has approached, I feel myself thinking about him more and more. And I know it will only get worse once he actually moves in. The other night, when I was way too drunk for my own good, I sort of admitted my love for him. Fortunately though the text was kind of vague, and I was able to do damage control the next morning and told him the text was meant for my brother, but you get the idea. I cannot get over him.

    So, what are my options here? Distancing myself from him is not possible since I am stuck in this living arrangement for at least a year. And some part of me doesn’t WANT to distance myself from him anyway.

    The only other option I can think of is telling him. I obviously have no expectation that he will reciprocate my feelings, but I think that if I actually hear that from him, it might help me get over him. But then I also risk ruining our friendship and making the next year miserable and uncomfortable. At the same time though, I’m miserable right now holding my feelings inside. This feels like an impossible situation.

    Please help…
     
  2. Gravity

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    I think you have the sense of it already. You probably need to talk to him.

    First things first - he probably knows how you feel from the text. I'm sure you played it off convincingly, but there it is/was, and I'd be surprised if he didn't at least suspect something. I can't say what he's thinking now for sure, of course, but it must have crossed his mind in the moment.

    Take a moment to think, however, about his reaction to the overall situation. He spent a lot of time with you after you came out to him. He's okay with physical intimacy (the hug). And you sort of drunkenly made a pass at him, and he's still not ignoring you. I think if your sense of things is that he won't return your feelings, then he probably won't, but what's also clear is that he cares about you, as a friend if nothing else, and he's okay with you opening up to him and with helping you through this process.

    So I say tell him what's going on. Be honest and upfront - that you do feel close to him, but that you don't expect anything to come of it, and want to be able to move past your feelings. He wasn't scared away from moving in with you already and he won't be now. And even on the off chance that he decides he would prefer not to live with you this year, it's possible that plans could still be adjusted, and everyone involved would be a lot more comfortable. Either way, you can still make sure the coming year is a good one.
     
  3. confused1234

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    Thanks for the response.

    I do think he suspects that I like him. In addition to the text, I've done some other odd things like touching his face and playing with his hair when we're drunk, and I've been generally neurotic when I'm with him. But he has never said anything specific to me about those incidents.

    I guess my biggest fear is that our friendship will change in some palpable way if I tell him. I knew he would handle my coming out well because he confided in me a few months earlier that a mutual friend of ours had come out to him. His reaction to that is what really gave me the confidence to come out to him. But telling him that I love him is a whole different beast. I keep trying to put myself in his shoes, and honestly, I think I would be really uncomfortable if my best friend, who I thought was straight until two months ago, told me he was in love with me.

    Another complication is that I'm only out to my best friend. If I tell him and it causes problems or a change in our living situation, our other friends are going to notice and may start asking questions. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

    So I agree with everything you said, but I'm still having doubts. He arrived this morning by the way. I can't help but smile when I see him. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Jack Harknness

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    That last part you said was adorable :slight_smile: "i cant help but smile" awwww
     
  5. Lexington

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    Grav said exactly what I would've said. It's VERY tempting to want to live in limbo, because if you never bring it up, he never said no. But it really is better to know, so you can either make it happen or move on. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. confused1234

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    Again, thanks for the input. I'm going to wait a few weeks and see if I can maintain my sanity while in such close contact with my friend. If that's not possible, which it probably isn't, I'm going to send him the letter below. It's funny, because I wrote this letter months ago when I wanted to get my thoughts down on paper. My feelings haven't changed one bit.

    I wish I had the balls to do this face-to-face, but I just don't think I'll be able to maintain my composure. Let me know what you think about it. It seems too "strong" to me, but this is how I really feel.

    K,

    I’m probably going to regret writing this letter, but I can’t continue living like I am now. What I am about to tell you eats away at me day and night. So despite every rational piece of my brain begging me to stop writing, I’m instead going to continue. You may already suspect what this is about. It certainly explains my odd behavior toward you the last several months.

    First though, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me after graduation, even if you don’t realize it. When I told you that I like dudes, I was worried shitless that I would lose you as a friend or that you would out me to everyone. Looking back, it was completely unwarranted for me to think that. Nothing you ever did indicated that you’d be anything but completely understanding and accepting of me. I think that is why I was comfortable telling you what I did.

    You handled what was an incredibly awkward situation better than I could have ever imagined. You made one of the most terrifying and difficult experiences of my life seem utterly inconsequential. And after I told you, it was as if nothing had changed. You treated me exactly how you treated me before I told you, and that meant the world to me. I don’t think you understand how grateful I am that everything is “normal” between us.

    But I was not completely honest with you when I came out. I told you that I truly started to think about my sexuality about six months ago, which was true. But I also told you that I had no idea what triggered those thoughts. That was a lie. I know exactly what caused me to start questioning my sexuality, and the answer is not pretty and probably not one you want to hear.

    I started questioning my sexuality because I had (have) a crush on you. I started questioning my sexuality because I fell in love with you.

    You have to understand that this is not something I planned, wanted, or enjoy. Being in love is miserable. Being in love with someone who is unattainable is torture. I would give anything to not feel this way about you. And if I knew how to fix this, I would. I know my feelings for you will not be reciprocated, and I do not expect an answer other than no. This is just something that I had to tell you for my own sanity.

    I know that this is fucked up and puts you in an incredibly difficult situation, but I truly hope that we can get through this and remain friends. I don’t know what else to say, except that I’m sorry. If you’re ever ready to talk about this just let me know.

    -confused1234
     
  7. SomeNights

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    ^I think it's well written and wish you the best of luck. I think your friend will take it better than you think :wink:
     
  8. bluesky

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    honestly, I think that's a good letter. but I am not quite sure about the ending. Because it sounds as if you resent falling in love with him, and if he truly cares a lot for you it will sadden him to know that he put you through this. If I were him, and I read that last part I would feel horrible to know that pain you been suffering was because of me. Does that make sense?

    I think it's okay for you to explain the truth to him about how you feel, but the last part made me visualize a sense of regret within you. I am not sure if that was what you intended to do. From the way you've described your feelings, I can tell you're really hurting and you want to stop hurting. I hope you're okay and that he will return the love you have to offer. I hope this helps, if not you can disregard what I said. Keep your head up, you'll be okay.
     
  9. resu

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    I agree with bluesky. Don't beat yourself up for falling in love. Maybe you should say you developed strong feelings for him. Don't say you want to "fix this" because your feelings are not shameful. Don't say you know what he feels or what will happen.

    Tell him you wanted to be completely honest and will respect whatever decision he makes. Actually, say what you wrote at the beginning of the post (about seeing if you can remain calm with him always around you or leaving if it's too much).
     
  10. confused1234

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    Thanks guys, I really really appreciate it. I can see how the end of my letter would make my friend feel bad, which is obviously the last thing I want to do.

    But yeah, I am really hurting. I've never felt this way about another person, let alone another dude. So that makes this all the more confusing. I'll get through this one way or another though.
     
  11. ryanalexander61

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    I really feel for you, am in a very similar situation without the living part. It sucks.
     
  12. confused1234

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    Fairly big update:

    My friend and I had a heart-to-heart after a night of heavy drinking on Saturday. As far as I know, we didn't discuss my feelings for him, but my memory of the conversation is very hazy.

    He asked about my "progress" in coming to terms with my sexuality, because initially I told him that I was only seriously questioning. I obviously confirmed that I am in fact bisexual. And then we started discussing how and when I would come out to the rest of our fraternity pledge class. My friend said he was convinced that the other guys wouldn't care, even if they would be shocked. So he was really encouraging me to come out to them and generally being very supportive, as always.

    Then he suggested that I come out, right then and there, to the two guys in our pledge class that were drinking with us that night. And I fucking did it! It was a horrible, horrible idea because we were all wasted, but I did it.

    The whole process was really...blunt and anticlimactic. I asked them to come up to my room for a second and really just said it without any lead-up. They were both shocked but really supportive. The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure one of the guys doesn't even remember what I told him. I get a do-over with him tomorrow, which is when I plan on coming out to the rest of my pledge class.

    Anyway, I'm glad my friend is giving me a friendly push out of the closet. I really needed it. I'm finally getting to be okay with the idea of people knowing about me.
     
  13. SomeNights

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    :thumbsup: Congratulation sir that is a big step in the right direction.
     
  14. bluesky

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    Don't let intoxication get between you and your sexuality. omg, i don't know if i am overreacting for you, but be careful. You know, when you're drunk EVERYTHING sounds OK to do. I get it that your best friend is supportive of you and i totally understand. But you need to do this when your sober and in the right state of mind so that you don't regret any of this. You said you were deeply closeted right? But you're coming out to a whole bunch of people when you're intoxicated, that's why I am a little worried for you.

    If I was your best friend, I would simply ask if when and are you comfortable with coming out to your frat friends... not telling you to do it right then and there because they're supportive... I don't know, sorry if it seems as if I am over analyzing this. If you're really that comfortable and isn't afraid, then you can go ahead. But it's just my point of view.
     
  15. confused1234

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    Well, fuck me. It's done, he knows.

    My memory of the night was worse than I thought. These texts between us explain everything pretty clearly:

    Me: Meant to ask you yesterday, what exactly did we talk about on Saturday night? I blacked out and then blacked back in in the middle of our conversation. After that I just remember trying to answer some of your questions but not being able to form sentences.

    Him: You were being very touchy with me like you were coming on to me and I kept moving away, you seemed upset so we went to upstairs to talk. I told you I don't have a problem with your sexuality, but the way you were acting towards me was making me uncomfortable. I don't think of you or guys like that in general._____ and _____ ended up coming in the room too, and they were saying how they also fully back you and it doesn't change anything.

    Me: Jesus. I'm so sorry. I didn't know I was doing that.

    Me: At this point, I might as well come clean. If this wasn't already crystal clear to you after Saturday night, I have feelings for you. Feelings that I shouldn't have for the person I consider my closest friend. I'm going to send you a letter that I wrote a while ago that explains everything. And I think I'm going to go home for a few days and just give you some space. I'm really sorry it happened like this. The very last thing I wanted or intended to do was make you uncomfortable.

    I feel...nothing. Just numb. I was not prepared for things to move this quickly, but it's my own fucking fault for getting that drunk. At least I have an answer now.
     
  16. Deranged06

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    Oh man... Don't beat yourself Up. Shit happens... Your friendship is being tested. That's right that you give him and yourself some space to sort things out. You and your friend are confused and still shocked about what happened so give your relationship with him some time before it gets back to normal. be strong! If he's a good friend he will still be around.
     
  17. SomeNights

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    Lighten up man, it's not the end of the world! (*hug*) He's still talking to you, so he didn't freak out that bad and to be honest for the few crushes that I did come out to, I did it drunk. It's liquid courage (...or liquid stupidity whatever way you want to look at it).

    Seriously though, look at the bright side to this:
    1. He knows your Bisexual
    2. He knows you like him
    3. from what I can tell he's okay with that
    4. you came out to a few other people
    5. the only negative response you got was that you were coming on too strong. (which lets be honest, that would freak out a girl too)

    sounds to me like you when in and come out better on the other side.
     
  18. confused1234

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    #3 is the only thing I'm worried about. He obviously had to know that I was physically attracted to him since I was "coming on to him" as he said. And yes, he seemed to be okay with that. But my feelings are deeper than a physical attraction, and I made that pretty clear in the letter I sent him earlier today (an edited version of the letter above). He still hasn't responded, and I obviously haven't seen him since I'm at home with my parents now, so I'm worried.

    I'm planning on going back Thursday night, and honestly I'm terrified. I have no idea what to say to him. No idea how to act. I'll keep you guys updated.
     
  19. ryanalexander61

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    I wouldn't get your hopes up about any sort of positive response. Think about it like this...if he was gay, or even bisexual he clearly is at extreme odds with it. So he likely wouldn't admit anything to you right now.

    Say he is straight, what is he suppose to say? I would say the majority of the population of straight people would be pretty offended/oft putted by a gay person coming on to them, especially a friend. It feeds into the stereotype "every gay person wants to have sex with me because I am a dude."

    Don't fret getting a reply. He is probably trying to sweep it under the rug because it is extremely uncomfortable to talk about from both sides of the coin.
     
  20. confused1234

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    ^^^Well, that wasn't very encouraging haha. But it's irrelevant anyway, because he finally responded late last night.

    Him: Hey sorry for leaving you hanging. I'm glad I was able to help you in a difficult time, but you need to realize I'm straight and I know that. I want us to be friends, but only if I don't have to worry about this reoccurring. ____ and I have been talking and we think we should all talk and make sure we are on the same page when you get back.

    Me: I think that's fair. There are a lot of things I want to say, but I guess I'll wait until we're all together.

    I'm not gonna lie, this hurts. Until he says he's straight, there is always that slight glimmer of hope, you know? But on the bright side, he still wants to try to be friends. I know it will take a lot of time and effort on my part, and he is going to have to learn to trust me again, but I'm hopeful that our friendship can return to some semblance of normalcy.

    Thanks for all the advice and encouragement everyone. I'm going to let this thread die now.
     
    #20 confused1234, Aug 6, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013