I just turned twenty years old and I have really been wanting to turn the page on a new chapter and live my life how I want. In order to do so I feel like I need to come to terms with my sexuality completely and be proud of being a gay man. I constantly battle with the fact that I am gay on a daily basis, but for the most part I have accepted myself. The most important thing in my life is finding acceptance within my family but yet im beginning to find that this may be a lost battle. I can not hold on to this secret anymore, its such a burden on my life, but I really don't feel that my family will accept me. They make comments such as "all gays will burn in hell" "gays are the most disgusting revolting people" "gays should not be able to marry or have children" "gays should not be allowed rights". It is so hard for me to sit through these conversations and hold my tong. It hurts so badly to know essentially how they feel about me, I mean after all, those things do pertain to me. I cant just up and leave my family because I love them very much and we are all very close. Also my parents pay for my college and everything else really, so I don't want to risk being cut off. It will come as a complete shock because I am the last person anyone would suspect of being gay. My family is a very reputable family and im so afraid me being gay will be such a drastic blow that they will be more concerned with up holding the family reputation rather than caring for me. I am afraid that the options I will be given by them will either be being cut off or going through conversions therapy/pray the gay away stuff. Also, I have a boyfriend and he and I are both in the closet. It just doesn't seem fair to either of us and I want to figure this out so I can be happy in my relationship. I am extremely lost and don't know where to turn from here. Any sort of advice and/or similar experiences would be a help. Thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time to help me out.
The first thing to consider in terms of coming out is always your own well-being - emotionally and otherwise. If you think it would cause more stress and problems than it's worth (you mention being afraid of losing funding for college), then the answer is simple - don't come out yet. I was in the same situation, and I also waited through college. But, on the other hand, it's possible - just possible - that it might turn out differently than you fear. When your family says those things about gay people, they don't realize you are one - do they, in fact, know any gay people? Sometimes the reaction changes a lot when they realize they know one, especially when they realize they're related to one. I don't want to try to convince you to go against the evidence you see - you know them best of course. But sometimes people do surprise you. Are you out to anyone? Other than your boyfriend? If not, then having someone - family, extended family, or friends - to be out around might take a lot of the pressure off. If you can't, or don't want to, start with your immediate family, maybe you could start with someone else.
