Why does by boyfriend seem so distant and cool

Here is the back ground in a nut shell… my BF and I have been dating for a little over 7 months. We’ve known each other for years, but only recently started dating. We fell in love pretty much from the start and he even gave up a promotion at work that would have taken him out of state (he recently got a much better promotion). Three months ago, he moved in with me as his old roommate was selling the place that they were living in.

Everything was great until about a month ago. We came back from a vacation, he immediately started his new job and he came down with a horrible cold. For two weeks he was really under the weather, tired, stressed out from the new job, and just not feeling well in general. I did what I could to make him feel better, but he really just wanted rest and take it easy which I completely understand. Also, he wasn’t his usual affectionate sell, which I also understand. I just chalked up his unaffectionate behavior to his cold and to the stress of starting a new job. However, even after he has gotten over his cold and adjusted to the new job, he still seems distant and unaffectionate.

Two important things to note, right as we started dating he said that he has trouble talking about his feelings and that one of his biggest concerns is the two of us smothering each other. We have had talks periodically about our relationship and our feelings, which I take as a positive because we are both trying to talk about how we feel. With regarding to not smothering each other, I try and be very cognizant of his need for alone time at the house, and to encourage him to feel free to go out with his friends or to make plans without me.

Maybe I am just being overly sensitive, which I can easily do, but several things have really started to concern me.

First, he just isn’t in to cuddling like he used too. It used to be that we would always cuddle and hold each other when we were watching TV either in bed or on the sofa. Now, unless I make the move the first, he won’t cuddle at all, or if he does it just sort of feels empty.

Second, on two recent occasions, I asked him if he wanted to go lie (i.e. cuddle) in bed and watch TV and on both occasions, he refused one time rather emphatically. On one of these occasions, we had just had sex, which confused me either further. He apologized the next day on the most recent occasion saying he wanted to make sure that I didn’t think it was because of me that he didn’t want to cuddle and that he just gets weird sometimes.

Finally, again I don’t know whether I am being too sensitive, but I am feeling a little neglected. I guess I am more on the romantic side and I love trying to surprise him, make dinner plans, etc. Recently however, I just get the sense he’s just not interested in doing couple things, or spending time alone with me, and I get the feeling that if I don’t specifically ask to spend time alone with him, we wouldn’t. Even when we have just recently, it just seems like something is missing.

My concerns are, are we growing apart or is this just a natural ebb and flow in the relationship? Also, how do I communicate my need to spend quality alone with him, while not being too clingy. And finally, how do I make him feel more comfortable talking about his feelings?

Please help, this is really weighing me down!

 

Until recently, he was very affectionate overall. Whenever we'd sit down, he'd always want to be right next to me or to have me hold him. He would always want me to hold him at night before we'd go to sleep. He's sneak up behind me in the kitchen and hold me.

Now, all of this has come to a trickle, and if I didn't try to cuddle with him, I don't think he would at all.

He's told me that it's not me, and that he gets weird sometimes, but it's hard for me to not take it personally. He also won't say what "weird" is, or what he's thinking.

I concerns me that he has gone from hot to barely luke warm.

---------- Post added 1st Aug 2013 at 04:34 AM ----------

Thanks for the advice!

I definitely don't want to come across as demanding or accusatory, but I am starting to feel neglected.

It's been really bothering me over the past week. The funny thing is that he still gets really excited about our future plans. Its just right now when we're together he seems like is off somewhere else. I really wish he'd open up and tell me what he's thinking/feeling.

 

Thanks! We had a really crazy Friday evening / Saturday morning.

It started with him coming home earlier and walking in on me jerking off. He didn't seem put off by this at first. But later, when we had people over for dinner he was especially distant. To the point where one of my friends pulled me aside and asked. Of course with three of our friends over we couldn't talk about anything, although I mentioned it briefly when we were alone and he said everything was fine.

So the evening goes on, I get more upset (quietly) and he gets more distant. Finally, people leave and I sit down and talk to him. He tells me that everything is fine, he just needs space and that I am being needy. I tell him that I need to spend time with him and that I am afraid that we'll just turn into roommates. He responds that we spend a lot of time together and he is confused. We don't really come to any conclusions or next steps and I go upstairs and go to sleep.

I roll over in the middle of the night 3:40AM and notice that he's not in bed which concerns me, so I got down stairs and find that he had invited one of my oldest (straight) friends over and that they have been partying. This was really weird to me as he doesn't know this guy very well. Anyway, I stay downstairs until 4 and then go up to bed. He follows me up and falls asleep in my arms.

I can't sleep, and I have to go to work the next morning, so I wake up and leave the house 3 hours before I have to be at work. While I'm having breakfast he texts me, asks if everything is okay etc. I call him before work and tell him that it really made me feel weird that he had invited my friend over while I was asleep. He said that he didn't really understand why but okay. We both basically agreed that we were going through a bit of rough spot and that we'd talk later.

At lunch I texted him and texted back. All sort of light hearted chit chat. Then he mentioned that maybe we should spice things up a little and have someone watch us have sex. Maybe a threesome. This piqued my interest, so we texted back and forth and said that we'd explore this option, so long as we did it together and were both comfortable with it. The thing that turned me on the most was that he felt comfortable talking to me about his as he is usually very reserved.

When I got home, we had really passionate sex which was amazing. Afterwards, we went down stairs and talked for hours. He did mention that Friday evening, he had basically been sexting with the friend of mine who had been over for dinner that evening and pulled me aside and asked if everything was okay. The fact that he was sexting didn't bother me that much since he told me about it, and he had had a lot to drink. Also, I had done the same thing about a month ago which he is also aware of. The thing that really bothered me was that my "friend" was doing that with him while he knew that we were having some problems.

We also talked about having a third person there to either watch or join in, and we talked about what had happened the previous night. I finally found the words to tell him that I will give him space, but in return I need the occasional romantic dinner for two. All - in - all, it was a really great talk and went to sleep feeling that we had a breakthrough of sorts.

So now the questions...

1.) Should we try and have someone there to watch us and/or join in?
2.) What should I do with the "friend" that was sexting with my BF?

 

The one he was sexting was a gay friend of mine who had been over earlier that evening for dinner and had asked if everything was okay between us.

The guy he invited over is a very old friend of mine, who is straight, that my boyfriend doesn't really know very well. This guy is a bit of a party animal.

The reason I am more apt to let the boy friend off the hook, is that I had done the same thing with someone else once before when I had bit too much to drink, and my BF knows about it. Plus, my BF told me about this as soon as we talked. Not cool, for either of us I know.

My BF and I spoke about all of this the next day when he was sober.

The whole thing of him inviting my old friend, that he doesn't know well, over to party when I'm sleeping was still very weird to me.